Meddling SIL

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Not to drip feed:

SIL has been a PITA since we had DC. Middle aged, lives with PIL, extremely fussy about children in the house. Has effectively stopped PIL having a normal relationship with their GC. Diagnosis of OCD, but no support or treatment- PIL shielded her at home, which seemed kind but now they are very old it looks different as she has been isolated.

She is going nowhere near DC for any length of time as she frightens them, has lied to them and endangered them - making a food available when we were going through a diagnosis with re allergy/intolerance, removing a stair gate when we briefly left them with GC, etc. Sorry for the strong words, but now I absolutely hate her and want to keep a distance. DH can be unpleasant and SIL encourages him to be awful (yes I want to divorce but do not want shared custody while DC are young, with SIL a major reason).

This is a minor addition to the problem, but creepy (or maybe given my reasonable feelings re her and DC, I am now being unreasonable). SIL is now constantly messaging DH in the family WhatsApp and privately (it shows on the Lock Screen) sending lots of kiss emojis. Messages just for the sake of it or in response to anything. DH typically doesn’t respond. There is nothing weird from his side. He will very occasionally send a response or kiss back.

Good morning 😘 😘.
Hope you have a great day 😉 😘.
👍 😘.
😘 😊
🤗 😘
Have a good night 😴 😘.
Sleep well 😘.

SIL ignores most other family members including siblings, except PIL. PIL get responses but not all the hugs and kisses. Other sibling gets an occasional Hmm. 🧐. Etc. Nieces and nephews (not just mine, the others too) and me ignored. I am not some sort of prude. Will add the odd xx to messages to my siblings.

I want to respond with a vomit emoji, but just stay out of it.

What is she playing at?

Thanks for reading/responding. I can’t tell anyone IRL as it is so ridiculous, but loaded given what has gone before.

Feels better to write it down, but FFS I feel like I am in primary school even getting bothered by this. I name changed given the embarrassment of writing this out. I guess it will be something to laugh about in the future, unless it is the start of another round of meddling.

I wonder if she’s been so detached from ‘normality’ that she’s clinging onto your DH because nobody else has much to do with her?
I don’t know!

Thanks @rainbowstardrops This is what I guess too. However, the fear of more meddling got to me this morning when half a dozen messages have already pinged through.

Tell GP that they must come to you to see DC in future as she’s a risk to your kids. And leave the family group chat.

@justkeepswimingswiming She always comes with them. DH has been useless at setting boundaries and gets weird/unpleasant if I do.

It is a stupid and ridiculous situation. Not sure how it has come to this. If there are broader MH issues with DH also impacted. Or if they have all been covering it up for so long they think the situation is normal.

Apologies. Not only is it a stupid issue there aren’t really any solutions. If I respond in a sensible way to any of it I will be made out to be the bad guy by PIL and DH won’t back me up.

I am very careful about DC when SIL is around.

There's a lot to unpack.

Honestly I'd just put my efforts into keeping the marriage together enough until the kids are older.

What ages are they?

In term of her coming with the parents...If she comes with the parents so what???

She is a bit of red herring imo.
the problem is your dh and the marriage.

you can't fix what she's got amd you have enough on yur plate anyway BUT I can see how she is totally annoying and it would irritate me too

I completely agree with all this @LivingLaVidaBabyShower

Primary aged.

On her coming on any visits the parents make it is more a source of stress. I just need to not rise to it. It is just the sight of her sitting in the back of PIL’s car like a child, knowing she will get out and quickly start criticizing our DC for being children.

She is still possibly a risk. For example, was very against us taking on a cat (absolutely none of her business and she has never had a cat so no constructive advice) and gave us a bunch of lilies when they all visited shortly after.