Move closer to family or stay for job! Advice please 🙏🏻

[Excellentboiledpotatoes]

Hi all,

Just looking for advice or if anyone has experience with a similar situation.

My family (myself, husband, daughter (5yrs) and son (10mths) are considering relocating from Edinburgh to Aberdeen to be closer to my aging parents.

We have no support network where we currently live, but we do own a house we have had for less than 2 years. We both also have very secure employment - I particularly have a job that pays the best within my profession in the whole country.

If we moved, on top of being closer to family we would be in a position where I would no longer have to work for us to pay our bills. House prices are much cheaper in Aberdeen and we could basically half our current mortgage for an equivalently sized house. Currently I work 4 days a week and basically my entire salary goes straight on childcare costs between nursery and wrap around care fees.

I feel like I am missing out on being able to be more present for my children while they are young and me and my husband both feel like we are just stuck trying to get through each day at the moment because every day blurs into one. We are either working or trying to keep on top of chores and struggle to visit back home since my son was born due to the length of drive and expense of hotels.

If we moved we could be near my parents and brother, but I don’t have any friends in the area anymore. I would have the ability to pick up another job in my profession, but it would likely not be as good as my current job that I love. I could be there to take my children to and from school, and be able to attend all school events - my husband is unable to as he is a teacher, but currently I cannot get flexible time off to attend anything. But, if we stay I will likely be unable to be there for when my parents start to become very frail and for their end of life care, as we wouldn’t be able to afford for me to take time off to be there for an extended period of time.

What would you do? Leave a dream job and home in an area you are settled and secure in, or give it up to move near to family and improve work/life balance by allowing the option of becoming a sahm and thereby also improve your children’s lives?

It sounds to me like you’ve thought it through and want to do it. It’s a difficult one for anyone else to answer OP. Do you both want to move?

Edinburgh is very different to Aberdeen.. do you like the area? Ok with the weather etc? I imagine you would make friends with school/toddler parents, neighbours etc relatively easily.

Tou dall a lot about giving up work and being more present for kids, but is reducing hours not an option where you are? I understand higher costs in Edinburgh.

You definitely sound like you’ve more pros to moving than staying but just have a think about whether you need to wait to eg save more money to have a cushion or so IiI can have a similar standard of living

Honestly, if it was me personally, I’d stay in Edinburgh with friends and my dream job.

I guess it comes down to if you actually would be happy taking on all the caring responsibilities and pressures that would come with what you’re suggesting. Doing all the school runs and providing all the after school care and running around to activities combined with caring for ageing family is a lot.

Would I want more flexibility for attending school events? Yes. Would I want to do all the other running around and the caregiving and the stress that involves plus give up my dream job? No. I would explore whether there is a middle ground somewhere that doesn’t have you uprooting your lives first.

I’d move. It gives you more flexibility. Working 4 days a week to pay for childcare Vs not having to work is a huge difference. Could you find a job you like in your new area?

I moved away from my hometown for 15 years, had a family etc. made friends in new town but dh family lived abroad so had zero family support. The decider for me was where did I see myself in 20-30 years. For me it was near my sisters (were very close) and my childhood friends.
really only you can make the decision.

We did this. Absolutely no regrets.

I’d move, but it’s not an easy choice. Where is your dh family based and is that an important factor? What does he think about the move?

Im saying this as a mum of two who didn’t stay close to family. Happily my dm moved to be near me in her old age, and I loved having her nearby even though it was a lot of work looking after her and kids.

Working and being a mum and caring for relatives are three massive jobs. Two of the three is plenty so if you can afford to reduce/stop work then I certainly would.

"my entire salary goes straight on childcare costs between nursery and wrap around care fees."

It doesn't though. Your salary goes on joint bills including childcare. Childcare - whether paid for or not - is not your sole responsibility so it's not a simple trade off of you work to pay for childcare or you don't work and you provide the childcare yourself.

Furthermore, it isn't just a salary you get from a job. It's a pension, NICs for state pension, current & future financial security, a back-up for rough times & unplanned events, it's staying current & employable, it's independence & something for you (private villa holidays and weekly spa days would also be something for you but are much less realistic).