Does anyone else’s parents or PIL do this?

[Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

PIL keep buying my children an excessive amount of stuff. No matter how many times we explain and remind them DD1 struggles with excessive stuff due to her autism they keep bringing a huge amount of stuff. Today was 3 small chocolate egg, a giant box of sweets and a cuddly toy. The kids have chocolate eggs from other family members so we always ask for one piece of chocolate or sweets for Easter.

MIL then made a big thing about saying she shouldn’t have bought it all. How does DH deal with this?

Maybe get DH to meet them at the door and confiscate/thin out any presents?

So your dh has explicitly say that his young child struggles with this because of her autism (and they are aware of the professional diagnosis?)? And they basically just ignore?

Yep. They don’t see how the autism affects her as she is high masking outside the house. Gift giving is their love language and they’re hoarders so I believe that they don’t think it’s too much.

@Notsolongthistime that’s a good plan.

So he has never taken the time to sit down and really discuss her diagnosis with them and the impact and consequences?

ok well that would seem like something of a good start op!

It’s a realtively new diagnosis although we’ve had concerns for years so have tried to limit things for the last 3 years. Yes, at some point he needs to explain this to them but at the moment he is trying to full understand it himself.

“At some point”

id say asap op otherwise his parents will continue

no brainer really

communicate!!!

How old is she?

He needs to understand it himself first.

What is there to understand with regard to this particular issue re his parents and over buying?

my daughter, your grandchild, has a diagnosis of autism. I’m learning as much as I can and I will chat with you more but in the meantime you need to understand that buying lots of gifts is going to seriously stress her out. Please stop, and I mean that kindly”

he can’t faff around whilst he “gets his head around”…. (What? You’ve suspected for 3 years and not like the diagnosis has led to different manifestation)

basically he needs to parent up

If your dh is having trouble understanding it (and it does take time to process a diagnosis), then it’s hardly surprising that your PILs are struggling to understand it, is it? They are less close to dd, and no one has sat them down and explained the diagnosis, and how it should change their interactions with dd.

They can take time to understand her diagnosis.
As can he , in the meantime they need to know excessive gifts stress her out so STOP IT.

Could he intercept and say thank you, so generous etc - "could we give her one now and then space the rest out over the next few weeks so she doesn't get overwhelmed and can appreciate them all"?

Yes we have this, I appreciate the generosity but it drives both me and DH insane. We have both had discussions with our respective parents and it’s gotten better, but we still get heaps of stuff. My thing now is I would rather they buy heaps of stuff that can be used/consumed like food and craft things and they seem to be sticking to it!

Your DH really needs to have a frank discussion with his parents given your DD diagnosis and just tell them honestly how it affects her.

You understand it, right? What's stopping him from understanding too?

How much time does he spend with DD in situations when shes not masking?
How often is he left to deal with DD when she's overwhelmed?

Yes to all of this.

If you are happy with your DH "not understanding it" yet what is the issue with your PILs not understanding it? Is it because they are the PIL.

So neurodivergent traits are probably there, too. So the drive of ‘must show GD how much we love her’ is conflicting with ‘GD’s parents say not too much’.
I’d imagine that it’s ’just an egg.’ ‘Oh and I saw the cutest bunny. Just an egg and a bunny.’ ‘I wonder if she’d like this egg better? Just an egg, or this other egg and a bunny.’. And on it goes.

Every year day I try and get DH to stop over buying. Whether it’s a year’s supply of baked beans, or enough chocolate to last until Christmas. Or maybe several years’ supply of limescale remover…
It’s trying!

So start being patient, and get a box for the extra presents to go in ‘so DD can look at them when she’s finished looking at this one.’.

Why don't you just leave the majority of the chocolate/sweets in another bag at the door, shove them in the cupboard and then just eke them out for the next few months? My grandchildren's other GP goes to town too so my daughter just does this. She never listens either.

Thanks all.

Yep, you’re right DH does need to step up. @Spirallingdownwards for DH he needs to learn how understand what dysregulates DD, what her limits are as well as what helps her regulate. It’s changing a lot at the moment so this is a constant learning curve for us all. PIL only have to remember not to give them loads of stuff.

The issue with having too much stuff is not the recieving of the stuff but overwhelmed with the amount of stuff she has in life (and in bed, desk and on the floor). I do very slowly eek out the chocolate but with the amount we’ve been given it will still be hanging around halloween. @neilyoungismyhero the issue is less the chocolate and more the other random things the give to the kid which then fills up our house. DD1 both struggles with too much stuff but also with getting rid of things.

I think I’m mostly annoyed that she handed over the stuff saying she shouldn’t have bought it so it’s not that she forgot but more that she thought what we wanted to keep DD1 comfortable was more important than what she wanted.