Worried about 18yo DS’s relationship

[worriedmum7777]

Ds is going out with a girl from a (rich, in case relevant) European country. They met online last summer. They have met up about 12 times in all, mainly at hers as he has more free time and money to travel there. She has been on a family holiday with us, he spent Xmas with her, we have met her family. All ok. He is in love. She acts like she is too.

he is planning to go to her country to work over the summer - he has a job offer and the employer is sorting out a work permit for ds.

But we are worried about money. ds has quite a bit - savings, investments. He took his gf to Paris for Valentine’s Day and they have been on other trips - all paid for by him. On our recent family holiday he paid for everything for him and his gf - trips, snacks. She didn’t put her hand in her pocket once.

She bought him snacks for his 18th. That’s all.

They are planning on sharing a flat over the summer. The gf has signed contract for flat - she was 18, he was 17.

But she has no money for the deposit or first months rent so wants ds to cover it. She will be working part-time in seasonal job over the summer.

ds is getting worried, but is finding it hard to admit it to us. We have all - me, dh, dd- spoken to ds about your concerns. We don’t want him to be ripped off or taken advantage of, but also don’t want to push him away/come on too strong.

WWYD? His gf is coming over to stay at ours this weekend - I’d like to sit down with them both and discuss plans for the summer, including money. What do you think?

ds has has only just turned 18 and this is his first serious relationship. How best can we handle this?

I wouldn't have allowed them to share a flat over Summer. They don't have the money. I would have invited gf to stay instead.

You can't run a Porsche if your income is fiat-sized.

I think if you drop it into the conversation about general summer plans it should be fine. Some questions need asking such as what if she doesn't secure a job herself, what are their plans? Are they splitting the bills 50/50? How will they finance their first month if both of them have to wait until they are paid? He has savings but she potentially doesn't.

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking these questions of both of them. She has signed the contract but is it both their names on the tenancy? Have you seen the contract?

I would also be asking what happens if they split up whilst living together. It can and does happen. I was in a shared house with my boyfriend at uni at 18, it is how we met, we lived together in second year but did not live together in final year because our relationship was fizzling out and we could both feel it.

Have you talked to him about your concerns? I think before you put them on the spot as a couple, I’d be talking to him on his own about how it’s ok not to pay for everything and to have a more equal relationship, and how he’s going to run out of money if he carries on like this and there won’t be cash to replace this. Maybe he thinks it’s somehow his role to finance everything?

Hmm he’s an adult so does need to make his own decisions. I would by all means have a chat with him only about your worries but wouldn’t sit down with both of them as he may get defensive and take gf’s side if he feels in anyway she is at fault. You could ask him if he wants your input with them both though.

When he stays at her family home, is he looked after well? Does she fork out then? It may feel rather unbalanced financially but if she/her family are looking after him he may want to redress that balance by looking after her on your holiday and their breaks away.

I would strongly advise against it but if they’re both 18 this summer then there is no question of their parents allowing it.

Thanks, all.

ds wants to live in the other country and improve his language skills, plus have the experience of living in another country. We’re happy for him to do this.

We haven’t seen the contract, no. I will ask.

He asked her what would happen if they split up but she just said ‘oh, that won’t happen’ and didn’t want to discuss it.

Yes, we have talked to him about our concerns, and about relationships and how they should be eq u as l, and that men don’t have to pay for everything.

He is looked after at her house as in he doesn’t have to buy food, but obviously he pays for flights and travel to get there.

We are not going to not ‘allow’ him to do anything; he is 18. We just want to handle it well, discuss money and think of any problems before they happen.

It’s a 3-month contract.

Bump…

If they are going to be effectively living together for three months, I guess that will be a make or break time for their relationship. It might be a great experience for your son, it should help clarify things either way.

What happens after the summer? Is he planning on university or other concrete plans, or still deciding?

He hasn’t decided yet. Either stay on in the country or come home. No uni application.

I think all you can do is make sure he’s thought it through, and be supportive of him rather than critical of her. I also have an 18yo DS - still lots of growing up to do, but that comes through experience and deciding for themselves which is going to include getting it wrong and getting it right. You just hope the mistakes aren’t too final.

[edited after pressing post too soon.]

I wouldn’t worry too much if it’s a three month contract. Do you have the funds to fly him home if shit hits the fan?

Yes, we have funds to go out there to see him, or for him to fly home.

Is the flat she’s committed to a reasonable cost etc and near to his summer work placement? Did they both choose it? If he’d love to spend a summer in her country and wants the experience of working abroad, a young relationship is a great way to do so, even if it doesn’t last. I’d suggest you discuss with him what his wages are over summer (if any) and what he can then afford for the flat. He should then speak with her about her “half” and if she doesn’t respond in a way that sounds like she can afford it, BUT he wants to live there and work over summer, he can then direct her to cancel the lease (paying any penalties) and he can find a flat share or even ask his new colleagues if they have any advice or a serviced apartment he can rent. They don’t have to break up and she can visit and they can date like normal teenagers without living together for 3 months.

Best advice my dad gave me? Don’t rush the romance stage. Explain to him that living together is not the same as visiting family or even going on holiday. It’s: who’s turn is it to clean, who is cooking, who is buying the items for cleaning/cooking, who must keep track of when things run out and replace them (toilet paper doesn’t appear, parents buy it!) who does the clothes washing and who buys all the expensive stuff to wash with. Who buys a washing line, crockery, kitchen utensils etc for 3 months use and then who keeps them when he comes home? (her when he bought them? Does he want to take them to university if that’s his next step? What happens if he’s paying for all household expenses and she wants to spend her small income on things just for herself and not him - if he’s struggling financially, would he be bothered if she spent money on new clothes etc and didn’t offer to help him? Would he not prefer they were equal so he didn’t resent her spending how she wished and same for him? They shouldn’t setup as married when they’re not - they should be advised to keep this as light hearted and YOUNG and experience as possible and paying joint bills is for old serious relationships, not young new ones who don’t HAVE to!

Sell the boring parts of living together and how he might prefer to rent solo or find a cheap air bnb so he can ask for his own space occasionally and not put pressure on two teenagers getting on full time?

(To add, if he had his own place, he could suggest she stays thur-mon and he focuses on work and his own routine on week days if he’s genuinely looking to make a good impression in this role and get something from this experience. It’s also easier if they break up for him to remain in “his own” place. If she working seasonal roles and has time off to sit at home and he’s paying all bills and working long hours - even a “grown man” would find that hard, nevermind an 18 year old…. He may have to learn this the hard way but should have a safety net and open eyes!)

The flat is furnished but not sure to what level, eg I think they will need bed linen, crockery, etc. Good point. There is very little accomm in the small town he will be working in.

My fear is he will pay the deposit, then the first month’s rent, then the second, and she will not pay and he will end up subbing her all summer and spending thousands.

i wonder if i should email her dad and mention my worries to him? Or talk to her and DS first?

What does DS say when you speak to him? Is he quietly happy for you to step in and advise (I think you said you should all sit and have a chat when she visits?) or does he say he’s an adult and it’s up to him?

if he’s genuinely open to you helping, then yes I’d email her dad and play doting parent. The tone should be “the kids are so excited to do this and we’ve worked out €X per month each for the flat and approx €Y for living expenses (bills, groceries) then whatever their spending money looks like. DS has confirmed his wages can cover his half of the bills/lease and he has a small amount spare to spend on himself. He knows if he has any problems with providing €XY total, we will make sure his half is paid as his parents, but we know he’s responsible and this won’t be likely. Just wanted to share the breakdown we’ve worked out with you to save you duplicating our work and to make sure the kids are comfortable with and can commit to the financial commitment over the summer.” I’d try to phrase it that you think it’s sensible for you guys to connect directly with your 18 year old son living in their country and that you really appreciate that he has a family he knows in their country, who are native speakers in case he has issues with work or acclimatising. I’d make sure it’s an excited for this opportunity for him and a supportive tone.

In my view, you’ve set the expectation for you as a family and on your sons behalf he will be paying and can afford HIS half and if she can’t pay hers, then his parents will find out and her own parents will have to pay it not your son. If she is from a “wealthy” European country, then her parents may also offer to step in if their daughter can’t afford it OR will find out now she can’t and say she therefore can’t do it as your son can’t fund them both.

if he’s not happy you being involved? Then this is a canon event, as the kids call it, that he will learn from. Don’t let him take out credit cards or loans and the worst he can do is spend a summer with no money to show for it, having had a nice time working abroad and learnt a lesson about relationships and finances…. It won’t kill him, it’s only a few months!

In respect of him being an adult, and learning to take responsibility for his decisions (and the consequences), I seriously suggest you speak to him first. Then, with his permission and knowledge, speak to the gf’s dad.

Support him, but don’t pre-empt and rescue as if he’s a younger child. He could feel undermined and trust could be damaged between you if you spoke to GFs dad without his knowledge.

If it’s only a three month contract, I would be tempted just to let them work it out. It could go wrong, but it might not, and the consequences won’t be disastrous. He might appreciate you saying little and just remaining supportive in the background so he can approach if he does need help. I wouldn’t email a breakdown to her parents but if he agrees it might be nice to get in touch and share your contact details in a friendly way e.g. thanks for having him to stay, here’s my number in case of emergency.

Yes to be absolutely clear do NOT email girlfriends dad without DS’s knowledge!

This is really sensible, thank you!

ds is reluctant to admit that he may have made a mistake. He’s also worried about missing us. He would be open to this approach, I think. Thank you!

his gf’s dad and I have already emailed; I have met her mum.

I won’t do that. I want to protect him but also know he’s an adult and he’s pretty bloody capable. But he doesn’t have a lot of experience of relationships.

Ah I’m sorry I missed that! That’s reassuring as at least you’ll be able to contact each other if needed.