After much internal debate, I’ve decided not to visit my parents this summer. Instead, I’ll go in October for a short weekend. We don’t live in the same country, and I haven’t seen them since August last year. I feel guilty because, although I won’t be visiting them, I’m still going on holiday elsewhere with my family.
To give some background: my father wasn’t a nice man during my childhood. There was a lot of verbal violence and even some physical abuse. My mother allowed this to happen. I grew up feeling anxious and depressed, very sensitive as a child, and I still carry that sensitivity into adulthood. I moved abroad when I was 20, and now I’m in my 40s. Thankfully, things have improved; I’ve gone through a lot of therapy, which has been incredibly helpful.
My parents are nicer now, though my mom can still be a bit spicy. I visited last year, and while it was okay, my dad got angry over something trivial, and I instantly felt like that scared child again.
I’m struggling with guilt for feeling this way. My parents are mostly nice and friendly now, but I find it hard to reach a level of comfort for long. I told them I couldn’t visit due to the expense, which is true, but I can’t admit that I’m feeling too anxious to see them. I don’t think they would understand.
I feel like a failure. I’ve done the therapy and thought I had moved past this—that I was okay now. But I just can’t shake these feelings.