At wits end with baby’s sleep

[francesf]

I just can’t function at the moment, I’m running on empty and I can’t do it anymore. Baby is 6 weeks old. From the minute I put him down in the next to me around 10pm last night he’s fussed all night long despite being regularly fed, changed and burped. I’ve spent the night constantly putting his dummy back in as he spits it out after a few minutes then cries for it back. I’m beyond exhausted. He will only settle on me which is ok during the day as I can put him in the sling but I can’t keep going on like this at night. I also have a 3 year old and it’s just not fair on him for me to be this sleep deprived and have no energy for him. My partner works away and is only home at weekends. I’ve tried co sleeping with him in my bed which makes no difference at all. He just wants to be on my chest. He sleeps in a sleeping bag and I have white noise on all night. All nights are poor but even on a slightly better night he just will not go back to sleep at all after 4/5am feed so most of my days start around 4-4:30 which just isn’t sustainable.

My oldest boy was sleeping through the night at this point and before this was doing 6/7 hour stretches so it’s a shock to the system this time round, even though I didn’t expect to be that lucky again it’s just the complete opposite. Not sure what I’m expecting here I just needed to vent but if anyone has any miracle tips please send them my way.

Could you sleep upright in an armchair with him in a sling against you? Obviously far from ideal but might help you both actually get some sleep

Also, make sure you are drinking plenty of water, that helped slightly from committing a crime to get arrested so I could get a few hours/days/weeks rest. It's torturous OP, I know this very well - everything hurt but sometimes it helps to get in the fresh air.

Does DC1 go to nursery? Could he go to a playdate or could one of the nursery workers babysit both whilst you rest?

You poor thing OP. It’s so tough! This was me too and, like some other posters, I ended up having DD sleep on my chest. It was the only way!

Over time we were able to move to co-sleeping and eventually her cot.
She took all her naps for the first few months in a sling.

Once I accepted it I realised that it was actually very lovely that the only place she felt truly safe was in my arms.

Plus the sling was fabulous as my hands were free during the day for busy toddler DD1 (who did briefly acquire an English accent from being heavily parented by Peppa Pig- you are not alone in having TV be your babysitter!)

Sympathy and solidarity OP. This too shall pass but it is so shit right now I know

My second dc is 18months and still hasn’t slept through - she’s up bout 4 times a night, which is a recent improvement. my older child was also a rubbish sleeper. Both just wanted to be on one of us all night.

what helped a little for the second was a love2dream swaddle sleeping bag thing when she was very little. Worth a try.

hang on in there. It won’t last forever. Maybe see if you can up your 3 year olds nursery days for a little bit.

Cosleep on the side with him nestled against your chest so it’s safer.

He may be uncomfortable or refluxy or have CMPA though, so keep an eye on it.

Mine mostly only did 90mins at a time at night at that age before needing a feed. Their tummies are only tiny. I coped by cosleeping and going to bed at the same time as the kids so 7pm. That meant I just about got enough sleep to feel ok during the day.

Same — one of my twins didn’t sleep through the night until she was 16 months. I also had a 2 year old. It was horrific.

OP, I’m sorry you’re so tired. All I can say is, you will find a way to get through it.

I found regular exercise helped me feel more normal and gave me energy in the day that I desperately needed — I did (and still do) YouTube workouts from home during nap time. On weekends, my husband would get up with the children and I would sleep another 1-2 hours, which was wonderful.

My oldest DS didn't sleep through till he was 1, my new baby DS is 4 weeks old and wakes every hour or two, and breastfeeding so it takes me hours of cluster feeds during the night to get him back to sleep, only to do it all again in 2 hours. I had 3 hours max sleep last night. I'm there with you, feel sorry for my 2yo DS cause I'm a wreck at the min. Sympathies, but yes it's normal unfortunately x

It's so hard for you, especially with dh working away.
My eldest slept through for around 6/8 weeks too and was a dream.
The others didn't at all. My youngest even now at school age is a poor sleeper.
Middle 2 were good sleepers. So it was a shock with youngest. Max they slept was 2 hours. Day or night.
It's not going to hurt your toddler to be with the tv for entertainment for a bit.
Maybe the weekend get your dh to take them both out so you can sleep.

Oh gosh I’m sorry you’re going through this alone 5 days of the week! I couldn’t have done it. I used to go to bed at 7pm and then take over from my husband at 1am! And even that was hard (and no toddler to contend with!). Sending hugs. Can you ask a sibling or parent or anyone to come and sit with the baby early evening sometimes so you can get some sleep? I would be so happy to do this for a friend

I will have a look into chest co sleeping. During the day he will occasionally do 20/30 mins max in his joie Sansa chair so I use that time to race about doing a bit tidying and he does sleep well in the pram if we are outdoors but as soon as I bring him in he will wake, all other naps are on me in the sling or sofa if oldest is at nursery.

I just feel sorry for my oldest really more than anything. DP will always do all the night feeds and deal with newborn all night when he is home at the weekends and then also get both of them up so I can have a lie in and get myself sorted so I do always look forward to that. Thank god for the Easter weekend as he will be home for 4 days.

I wasn’t naive to think I’d have another brilliant sleeper like my first, he never even went through a sleep regression so it actually almost put me off having another because I value my sleep but it’s just difficult trying to navigate it all and the endless chores!

How loud are you having the white noise? I found it needed to be really loud to be effective - I used to use my phone and I’d have the volume on full. A lot of the dream sheep things way too wimpy in my experience!

@francesf I can fully sympathise. My dd was like this too.

Can your partner take a few weeks off work? Does he have any leave entitlements he can use?

When you’re so tired you can barely function, you need to get some sleep. While your eldest is in nursery after baby is fed put him in his cot where he is safe and try and have a sleep for at least 40 minutes. Try and give your self several naps. Even if he is awake in his cot.

Can you afford a night nanny for a couple of nights a week? Controversial but if it’s actually becoming dangerous for you to look after your children because you’re so sleep deprived then do it. I would.

Please look for thehappycosleeper on Instagram. She is a sleep specialist who also works with babies who refuse to sleep anywhere but on mum. You might find some useful information there.

My DH was away 5.5 days a week when DD was born. She slept on my chest for the first 4 months because nothing else worked and I had to be able to sleep to look after her.

There is a reason she is an only child.

You need help with 2 children, OP. Your baby is completely normal. This is 4th trimester stuff. A friend that can have baby for a few hours during the day so that you can sleep. Can you get an extra day at nursery for your older child? Your husband needs to do everything at weekends to enable you to catch up.

And you need a long term plan because this is going to break you. My DH came home after 18 months.

And don’t do anything but necessary chores. You are human, not a machine.

My baby was completely nocturnal until about 11 weeks. I'm so sorry as it is so hard.
At this age isn't about anything you're doing it's just the stage they are at.
Can your partner take some holiday for a bit? A friend or your parents take a shift?
Put your toddler in nursery more.
Are you getting sleep at the weekends when partner is home?

This is really really unsafe advice.

OP please look at lullaby trust Sleep Safe 7. The worst thing you can do is sleep in a chair or on a sofa with a baby.

Tbh everyone values their sleep. It’s not unique to you :)

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read and write such a helpful comment :)

You seem to think this is a special thing to you. You’ve said it a few times like you think it’s fine for others but you really need your sleep and chores are hard etc. Newborn sleep is hard for all mums, it’s awful. Chores and toddlers and newborns it’s hard. We get it! It is often something you just have to ride out.
Majority of humans value their sleep and would feel like shit when sleep deprived. It’s rubbish. It really is.

i do think my mum friends who had a v good sleeper (only a couple) first time round, did find having a more normal baby in terms of sleep the second time a complete shock to the system. Whereas people who had a shit sleeper first time were a bit more able to cope with a second shit sleeper as they just knew to brace themselves

Oh OP. I do feel sorry for you.

We had a similar-ish experience. My DD was breastfed and would go in a cot initialy maybe the first 1-2 hours but then just wouldn't go back and would only settle on me. We started co-sleeping and at nearly 2.5 has only just gone into her own bed and truthfully - started sleeping longer stretches.

There is an Instagram account I follow called 'Happy Co-Sleeper' she has lots of tips/tricks/positions and I also felt like I wasn't alone when every other baby I knew was sleeping in a cot.

Sending you lots of love and coffee xxx

Please read up on the 4th trimester. You're in the thick of it, I'm afraid. You really lucked out with baby number 1.
My second is nearly 2 and doesn't sleep through the night. Eldest kid didn't sleep through until 6. But was able to self soothe by nearly 5.

If you can get a friend to help with your toddler for an afternoon or morning, nursery, babysitter, hire a night nurse or family if you can and try to sleep when baby does. I know it's easier said than done. We have had zero help in the past when both were very little. H use to let me sleep as much as I could manage during the weekends to try and catch up a bit (I know it's not possible to actually catch up) and it did help to reset me somewhat.

Things that helped us through the fiest 13 weeks were, swaddles (love to dream dona stretchy one), pre heat the next to me with a hottish water bottle (remove water bottle before putting baby in), white noise or the sound of rain, bath before bed would exhaust them, a baby nest pod with baby swaddled and the pod warmed first.

Babies need to feel secure and like/miss being bundled up and warm.

It's not easy especially with another child. I really feel for you and know exactly how you're feeling. Although, mine didn't work away my H had to sleep due to the type of work he does and the amount of driving he has to do. So no night time help unless it was a Friday or Saturday. You will get through it. Be creative and use whatever help you can.