Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Rude 4 year old

22 replies

gerispringer · 15/04/2025 14:32

I’m a mum of 5 AC, GM to 9 , ranging from 22-4. I do childcare for the 4 yo 2 days per week. He makes it clear he doesn’t like me- tells me not to touch him, look at him or speak to him. He can be perfectly nice when he wants something like a biscuit, but if I say no he’s already had 2 biscuits or whatever he throws an almighty strop and tells me he’s going to punch me, kick me etc ( he doesn’t actually do this just shouts). Fortunately he loves my DH and is perfectly happy playing cars and football with him all day, so I let them get on with it as much as possible. His parents believe in gentle parenting so no telling off just sympathising etc. How would anyone else deal with this? I’m inclined just to say “that’s not very nice “ and ignore him. I know he’s only 4 and I don’t take it personally, but to be honest, I’m counting down the days till he goes to school.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 15/04/2025 14:36

He sounds a handful, I would keep saying you can't have anymore biscuits etc and let him strop, say granny loves you very much and it makes me sad when you say you want to hurt me. Then walk away don't let him respond, also it is fine to tal him off. But also let his granddad deal with him and report back to his parents about his behaviour. .I wouldn't offer any childcare when he goes to school it sounds a lot.

Coffeeishot · 15/04/2025 14:37

Does he have a preferred parent?

Original poster
gerispringer · 15/04/2025 14:40

Coffeeishot · Today 14:37

Does he have a preferred parent?

yes - he’s very much a mummy’s boy.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Behaviour & development Families
MissyB1 · 15/04/2025 14:42

Just stay calm repeat no and ignore the strop, walk away from him, walk out the room if he's shouting. He's looking for a reaction, and his parents probably give in to him. He will soon learn Grandma isn't interested in his tantrums.

Coffeeishot · 15/04/2025 14:43

gerispringer · 15/04/2025 14:40

Coffeeishot · Today 14:37

Does he have a preferred parent?

yes - he’s very much a mummy’s boy.

So he isn't shouting at her or maybe he does and she just gives him what he wants?

Fruhstuck · 15/04/2025 14:44

Have you told his parents? If they don’t believe you, film it. A four-year-old is old enough to be taught that it’s unacceptable to speak to anyone like that, and the sooner they teach him the better, or there will be a lot of trouble at school.

Also, Grandad shoukd be reinforcing the message that he’s not allowed to speak to you like that. If he does, Grandad should tell him he doesn’t want to play with boys who talk in such a nasty, rude way, and then refuse to play with him for e.g. half an hour.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/04/2025 14:44

And is his mummy your DD or your DIL?

BeCalmNavyDreamer · 15/04/2025 14:45

For gentle but strict parenting, go for sympathy+firm boundaries, "I know it's annoying when you can't have more of something you like but I won't give you any more treats as we have to eat a balanced diet. If you are hungry you can have some fruit." Then if he strops let him. My eldest had the wildest tantrums - I used to offer some reassurance and then just get on with my day.

Original poster
gerispringer · 15/04/2025 15:04

MissScarletInTheBallroom · Today 14:44

And is his mummy your DD or your DIL?

DD

OP posts:
hockityponktas · 15/04/2025 15:45

Wow that’s not on. He shouldn’t be allowed to talk to you like that. I would tell him every time. “I’m not going to touch you if you don’t want me to but you need to stop shouting and being rude. You can ask politely”
“I can speak if I want to, please stop telling me not to it’s rude”
Grandad needs to back you up. Every single time. “Please don’t speak to granny like that, it’s rude” “we will have to stop playing and have some time to think if you keep shouting at granny” “when you stop shouting we’ll talk about why you can’t have a biscuit and what you can have instead” walk off, don't give this shouty negative behaviour any more attention than you absolutely have to.
I think at 4 he would be old enough to be spoken to by mum after the event too. “Granny told me you were shouting and being rude, that’s not ok” talking about why it’s not ok and the expected behaviour etc.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/04/2025 15:49

gerispringer · 15/04/2025 15:04

MissScarletInTheBallroom · Today 14:44

And is his mummy your DD or your DIL?

DD

Well have you said anything to her about his rude behaviour?

TheOliveFinch · 15/04/2025 15:56

I have this with my 4yo granddaughter, who adores grandad and will often want nothing to do with me when he is around and can be very rude. DH always backs me up and she is always told when her behaviour is not acceptable. Do you have any time with him when your DH is not around as she is lovely with me when he is not around. When we are both there she does warm to me as the day goes on

FranticHare · 15/04/2025 15:56

Think your DH needs to back you up. If he's been rude to you, then he doesn't "win" the attention of your DH.

I obviously knows that his behaviour is wrong.

Original poster
gerispringer · 15/04/2025 15:59

Well have you said anything to her about his rude behaviour?

well she has witnessed it once -he was shouting” I don’t like you I’m going to kick you” at me when I’d stopped him chucking pencils on the floor- she just got down to his level and said it’s “ok not to like your grandmother but you should use kind words”or something like that. I haven’t said anything about his “don’t touch me , don’t look at me “ etc shouts ( when I was putting his shoes on). I’m just going to get DH involved as someone
suggested.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/04/2025 16:00

gerispringer · 15/04/2025 15:59

Well have you said anything to her about his rude behaviour?

well she has witnessed it once -he was shouting” I don’t like you I’m going to kick you” at me when I’d stopped him chucking pencils on the floor- she just got down to his level and said it’s “ok not to like your grandmother but you should use kind words”or something like that. I haven’t said anything about his “don’t touch me , don’t look at me “ etc shouts ( when I was putting his shoes on). I’m just going to get DH involved as someone
suggested.

Oh dear. Permissive parenting. She's making a rod for her own back.

TheOliveFinch · 15/04/2025 16:09

@gerispringer to be honest I think your daughter also needs to treat you with a lot more consideration if he is treating you like this , my daughter is very patient and kind with GD but will always pull her up on this sort of behaviour, your daughter’s reaction I would call wet and not gentle parenting

Coffeeishot · 15/04/2025 16:12

Bugger that ! I would ask her to find other child care once he starts school I'm assuming it is this year, kind words my eye ! I'm annoyed on your behalf op.

Coffeeishot · 15/04/2025 16:15

I meant to quote your last post op , is he her only child?

WoolerOwl · 15/04/2025 16:19

I'd go for natural consequences. But with your daughter not your grandson.

"I feel sad and hurt when I'm shouted at and on the receiving end of rude behaviour from grandson. I love him dearly, and you, but I won't be able to care for him while this behaviour continues. I will still look forward very much to seeing him with you, and it will be lovely to care for him again when you've helped him to understand how he needs to behave."

Coffeeishot · 15/04/2025 16:20

WoolerOwl · 15/04/2025 16:19

I'd go for natural consequences. But with your daughter not your grandson.

"I feel sad and hurt when I'm shouted at and on the receiving end of rude behaviour from grandson. I love him dearly, and you, but I won't be able to care for him while this behaviour continues. I will still look forward very much to seeing him with you, and it will be lovely to care for him again when you've helped him to understand how he needs to behave."

This is perfect.

mixedpeel · 15/04/2025 16:25

WoolerOwl · 15/04/2025 16:19

I'd go for natural consequences. But with your daughter not your grandson.

"I feel sad and hurt when I'm shouted at and on the receiving end of rude behaviour from grandson. I love him dearly, and you, but I won't be able to care for him while this behaviour continues. I will still look forward very much to seeing him with you, and it will be lovely to care for him again when you've helped him to understand how he needs to behave."

Fabulous response!

QuickPeachPoet · 15/04/2025 16:35

WoolerOwl · 15/04/2025 16:19

I'd go for natural consequences. But with your daughter not your grandson.

"I feel sad and hurt when I'm shouted at and on the receiving end of rude behaviour from grandson. I love him dearly, and you, but I won't be able to care for him while this behaviour continues. I will still look forward very much to seeing him with you, and it will be lovely to care for him again when you've helped him to understand how he needs to behave."

Brilliant response.
He is the product of her (and her partner's if she has one) lazy, shit non parenting. Don't put yourself through that until she/they buck their ideas up.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page