Being poked at during conversation

[slonestranger]

I have a family member who pokes the person she's speaking to in order to emphasise a point. I have told her not to do it to me (and try to maintain distance when she's talking now) but she got all affronted and still hasn't stopped.

To explain, it's like a tactile exclamation mark in her case, that's the only way I can understand it.

Is this normal? Do other people use prods while conversing? I'm baffled.

What other weird behaviour do people display?

My MiL did this and she was so quick. Thing is it was frequent and we could anticipate it but not intercept the dreaded finger.
She would also squeeze fruits such as peaches to test their ripeness - then draw our attention to another lady doing the same thing saying how disgusting it was !

100% this.

Now that I think about it it's a control issue. She won't be told no and will continue to do things despite being asked not to.

For example tidying. I ask her not to, but she ignores me. Sounds like a good thing right? Except she's stuffed the kids homework / school books somewhere so I'm left frazzled trying to find it when they ask for it on the way out if the door.

Can you tell her that she should be careful someone doesn't report her for unwanted physical contact? Obviously the police wouldn't do anything but the threat of it might stop her. You can add you are just trying to protect her from getting into trouble in the future.

Or you could start calling her JabbyMcJabface.

Do we have the same MIL!

The other thing she does is that she will finger food.

I'll bake muffins and she will touch and squeeze several. If I ask why she'll say that she wants to see if they're still warm. If there's bread on the table at a restaurant she'll handle several pieces to pick the softest.

When I pull her up on it, she gets really affronted and will say her hands are clean. Totally missing the point.

I know someone who raises her finger right in your face to make a point. Someone is going to get really angry at her one day, particularly as the points she’s making are usually racist or ableist

Sounds like it'll be well deserved if she does get a slap for it.

No, I wouldn’t like that at all. If it’s cultural then tell her (politely as it’s mil) that it’s not acceptable in our culture. Cultural respect isn’t a one way street.

Ask her if she is well as you know she has been asked several times not to poke you...
Or give the dc a water pistol with permission to soak granny if she is rude...

Does she have a hearing impairment? I work with d/Deaf service users, and the touching to draw attention or emphasis is quite normal.

My DM did this. I'm not remotely tactile but she was. I miss her terribly and would forgive any number of playful prods and back of the hand bumps to have her back.

Good grief. My Grandmother hits anyone (family and late- partner only) who disagree with her. It's mostly jokey now but it didn't used to be. She once hit my ExH whilst he was driving her somewhere when she became frustrated by traffic. She's 90 now, so its less hard than it use to be.

Omg cant stand it poking or the wagging finger.

It's actually my Mother in Law and she lives with my family. It can be tricky as she does take offence and struggles with boundaries despite being pulled up on it.

She thinks of herself as the head of the household which is a very cultural view.

Obvious question - what's your DH's take on this? On the head of the household as well as the prodding and poking.

He knows exactly what his mother is like. But she won't be told. He's said that he loves her, but he intensely dislikes her personality.

He backs me up 100%

She was widowed when her children were young and had to bring them up on her own. He acknowledges this and has it thrown in his face often. Usually when he doesn't drop everything on demand to do what's being asked. (Heaven is at the feet of your mother according to Islam) His sisters are both apologists for her behaviour and say that she's old and set in her ways and won't be changed. But we can change our responses to her instead and be more accommodating.

But it doesn't change the fact his mother is demanding, disruptive, rude and delusional.

Grab her finger and don't let go until she is freaked out enough that she doesn't do it again.

And if you don’t mind me asking how old is old? Sometimes i’m shocked on here to find some stuck in her ways mil (or mother) is only in her sixties.

Mid 70's.

She does have grandchildren with ASD so I wonder if some of that has been passed down from her.

Swot away the finger every time she's going in for a prod.

I used to work with someone who did this. She also whispered a running dialogue in meetings. Oh and try to "mark" my work. The most rude woman

It's probably hard as she's your mil but I'd be tempted to yell "stop it!" each and every time.

How rude. I don’t like people touching me, and certainly couldn’t stand poking
i might just let my slap reflex go!
Appreciate you might not want to go that far
How about an “ ouch” and jump back
Better than get the fuck off me

My mom does it too. She stopped for a while when I told her to stop but forgot the next day 😅 oh well.

Reminds me of a friends episode

"STOP(jab) POKING(jab) ME(jab)"

Give her a taste of her own medicine, see how she likes it.

My partner does this to me. He did it to me this morning while sitting on my bed just chatting. It annoyed me immediately. He then did it again while we were out strolling. I said no, stop it and put my hand out. He then tried to put his arm around me in a more affectionate way but I was already so annoyed I said no no no and put my hand out to say stop. He said I wasn't going to poke and I said yes I realised that but I'm now so worked up. I just can't and need space. I think it is them getting excited, feeling like they're making a point.