My DCs hate each other

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

How do you cope if your kids hate each other? Mine seem to really hate each other. They fight every day. Girl 10 and boy 8. They are very different personalities. I have to resort to booking different holiday clubs to go to and try to keep them apart as much as possible. It’s so sad. I thought being close in age would work well and enable them to be close but it’s not worked out that way at all.

I had the same age gap with my brother and we did not get on either. Still don’t! We’re completely different people.

We had our own interests and didn’t do anything together. Once I left home, I barely saw him. Writing this now it seems odd I guess but felt just normal.

Think you’re doing the right thing not pressuring them to do things together. Once you accept they’re different and need space hopefully you’ll take the pressure off yourself too

I'm sorry you've got the same thing - it's horrible. But I've realised long ago that it's not worth expending any more energy on trying to 'fix' it (especially as I have no idea why he hates me - and apparently he doesn't either)

This.

I hated my Dbro growing up and didn’t like him until he moved out for uni 😅 we get on a lot better now but we are like chalk and cheese with our interests/personalities. We love each other now but any random objects could be a weapon when we were children 😆

Siblings are no more likely to get along than any other people.

I know so many people with siblings (including DH and my parents) who have absolutely no relationship with them whatsoever.

My brother & I get on fine when we see each other, (18 month age gap) he’s a good bloke, but we have completely different lives & nothing really in common except being family.

I think one of the reasons my sister & I (4 year age gap) are so close now is that we weren’t pushed together as kids. I have a strong suspicion that if we’d had to share a bedroom or if I’d been expected to take her everywhere with me, our relationship would have never recovered.

My 2 have a 23 month age gap (older boy, younger girl) they used to bicker constantly, it really got me down. This was mainly from age 10- mid teens. Never violence though.
They are quite close now, similar taste in music, humour, film etc. They sometimes hang out with each other and their partners. I’m very happy with their relationship now, maybe the bickering helps build their bond? I dunno, I’m an only child myself!

My two (14 & 15 yo DDs) bicker a lot and need space, yet somehow always have to be in the same square metre of the house winding each other up- often right next to me! It is only bickering though and some shouting, nothing more serious and pretty normal IME.
DBro and I used to do it too. It drove my mum up the wall. There's 3.5 years between us, so it's not an age gap thing, it's just personalities.
No one knows how to press your buttons more than a sibling!

We got along as soon as he moved out, which is a good job as we have older relations to jointly keep an eye on now.

Mine are a bit older (12 and 10) and the sexes are reversed but they rub along okay. They have their moments but overall they coexist quite well together.

@RosieLeaLovesTea with your DC, How long has this been going on? Is it worse in the holidays? Do they share any interests at all? Is there anything they both like to watch? How do they behave in company?

Allow them to have their own lives away from each other. Do not favour one/ prefer one even subtly.

My sister and i were close as kids but we really dislike each other now. We're just very different people and i don't understand her at all. She really hates me.

My 3 are very close in age and fought (physically and verbally) all the time when younger. They are all strong personalities and neurodivrse so a heady mix. I used to despair.

They are now teens and get on brilliantly. Apart from the odd (often pmt or too many late night related) argument they are really good friends. The eldest two are a year apart and most weeks go to pub quiz together, see bands, share friends. The youngest two go to watch the football together and all three will go to the cinema or into town. They properly make each other laugh and talk absolute bollocks which they find hilarious.

I did start to realise they mainly argued when I was there and it was probably rivalry making it worse. I basically tried to steer arguements off as they arose by being a bit silly.

I also had very clear consequences for violence that involved removing all devices for a day (or a week if bad). This would be done in a boring manner. We also talked about our siblings and how we could stand each other but now are good friends to show things change.

Try very hard not to overreact to things as this just adds to the drama.

Why is it assumed they would get on just because they live in the same place?

My two are more than 7 years apart, opposite sexes, opposite personalities. At any given moment they are either cuddled up blissfully watching a film, ignoring each other to do age appropriate things, or fighting as if they are 18 months apart and feral. It's hard to predict which way it will go into adulthood! I do referee a bit, it's harder to just leave them when there's an age gap don't be thinking it's the eldest who always dominates though!, but it's exhausting.

It sounds like you do the right thing by separating them a bit op. Try not to take sides, and don't lose heart! You can and should keep the disruptive fighting to a minimum for the sake of the whole household, but you never know how they will turn out, they might be close, or they might have a distant but polite adult relationship which is fine too. 8 and 10 seems like the kind of age where they are old enough to annoy each other but not mature enough to deal with it. I hope it calms down for you as time goes on.

Two of mine really didn’t get on at all throughout childhood and the teenage years ( boys) However, if anyone else criticised their brother, they were the first to defend them. Always amused me. Although they have very different personalities, they actually get on quite well as adults and do spend time together. I would never have believed it!
I don’t think you can predict adult sibling relationships from what I see in my own family and in general.

I think it is pure luck to be honest. DH has a sister 17mo younger than him and they fought horrendously as children. To this day DH says that she ruined his childhood and she probably says the same! They would both be perfectly happy if they never saw each other again.

On the other hand DH has a brother who is 8 years younger and they get on great, message each other every day. We even had him live with us for a year while he saved to buy a flat.