I had an unexpected, lovely meet-up last week which I was initially nervous about!

[Sunshadows]

I'm now in my early 50's, and years ago in my mid-20's I worked with someone about 5 years older than me.

We were complete opposites, she was extremely extrovert and I was quiet and shy. (People would still describe me as quiet now, but I'm more confident)!

This colleague COULD be nice to me at times, but also picked on me🤔, as follows! ....

Once called me 'nice but dim' in front of our team😞 OK, I wasn't quite on a par with her technical know-how and quick wit, but I'd come from grammar school, so not exactly dim!

Laughed and eye-rolled when my dh (he's still my dh!) popped into our office for catch-ups. I may have been slightly awkward with him in front of her, but she made me nervous! 😳

We were sometimes on courses together, and if I didn't immediately understand something (the job was a bit of a challenge for me although easy for her), she'd humiliate me in front of others.

A few years ago I saw her at a work reunion and she was lovely to me. She lives a distance away now, and only visits my area every few years, but said she'd love to catch up properly next time. I didn't think anything would come of it, but the other week she texted me with the dates she'd be staying with family and suggested lunch out.

I went along, slightly nervous but felt at ease immediately. Many years have passed, but I've never known anyone's personality change so much!

She's so calm now, talks with real fondness of her adult children and grandchild, was genuinely interested in my life and we talked at length about each other's careers. She actually said she has really fond memories of working with me! 🤷‍♀️

When we parted ways she hugged me, seeming a bit tearful saying we must do this again and have a longer catch-up.
The only time I in any way felt uncomfortable was her long pauses during conversation, taking time to think before speaking, and I was wondering about interjecting to break the silence! She used to talk so fast I'd struggle to keep.up😮

She sees me on Social Media and asked how I find the time & energy for a social life! I don't feel I'm out that much compared to some😀, but do see a lot of people. She's not out that much now by choice, says she prefers her own company and her dogs; yet she used to call me 'homely' as an insult!

I feel very warmly towards her tbh, it's almost like I have a new friend. She's changed full-circle, into such a nice woman. 🙂

Interesting … It sounds as if she’s been through some learning experiences in the intervening years. (Work, relationships, illness, bereavement?) And, perhaps, lost some friends along the way?

It’s good if this current version of her helps you to feel better about the past. Nevertheless, I would be quite wary. Really, quite wary …

Thank you, yes, if she still lived locally and suggested meeting weekly I'd wonder why tbh, she used to make it clear she felt I was 'beneath' her!

I wanted to drop the past into conversation somehow,so she knew I remembered it, and gain some idea of why she picked on me, when there were other quieter staff members she was lovely to!

But somehow I just couldn't. I'm not good at confrontation anyway (which I'm sure she took advantage of all those years ago!), and somehow last week she seemed the more vulnerable of the two of us, and I'd have felt awful about upsetting her.

Something's changed her, i suppose everyone changes in 25 years, she may think I have too! She didn't talk about anything life-changing or traumatic though. She just has a serene calmness to her, that definitely wasn't there before!

says she prefers her own company and her dogs

Nah, she’s just got no friends because she was such a nasty cow. I can’t imagine there’s an abundance of people who she treated the way she treated you, willing to give her the time of day.

I hope it’s helped you put the past to bed but I’d be extremely wary of keeping in contact with her.

I don't get why you agreed to meet up with someone who was so horrible to you.

I'm not sure why either, exactly! She just seemed ..... so different tp how I remembered.

It's great you had a good time.

But I would be very wary.

Ime, people don't really change. But then perhaps I'm just a cynical old bag.

As pp said, she may have no friends because of her previously unpleasant behaviour.

Just watch out and be prepared to shut her down if she starts up again. And this time, do shut her down and tell her she's rude etc. and then walk away.

She sees me on Social Media and asked how I find the time & energy for a social life!

Given the background even that sounds like the start of some mild negging.

If you find she’s trying to increase the frequency with which you meet - ask yourself why.

Perhaps divorce or bereavement has left her short of money?

Perhaps she’s facing eviction or has defaulted on her mortgage and will need a sofa to sleep on.

Maybe she’s going into hospital and has no one to look after her three ferocious dogs?

(All of these are instances where one might be happy to help out a friend - but she hasn’t earned your friendship.)

Oh dear - I’ve sussed it: she’s joined a cult and has been tasked with recruiting you. (Or your money.) 🫣

I have a different perspective. From personal experience as well as from many years of working as a therapist, I know that people can and do often change. I wasn’t a very nice person in my 20s for various reasons connected to childhood trauma. I know that’s not an excuse. It took years of therapy for me to change but I’m a very different person now.

May be she has changed. But if thats the case would be nice if she acknowledged being rank before. You were mid 20s she was 5 years older so close if not past 30. No excuse for her vile behaviour.
May be her terrible behaviour means she has no friends hence the tearful bye. She was horrible to you but checks you out on social media? Hmm..

Enjoy it whilst it lasts but you have a social life and friends. If she every goes but to nastiness cut her off quick.

Thank you, everyone. Yes, I'll stay in contact for now but if I start to feel 'deja vu', thinking 'hmm, I didn't like what she said there, it was a put-down', I'll stop responding to her.

I don't THINK she wants anything from me, but I'd like to know if she remembers her actions in the past. I'd also like her to KNOW she hurt me, but it didn't seem right to bring it up the other day. Hopefully I can at some point.

The main vibes I got from her were gentle, thoughtful & respectful. SO different to before!