DH and money

[fullofcoldvirus]

DH and I are both in our 50s. We come from nothing but have built a nice life, some money problems on the way mostly due to ill health of DC. I only mention this as I would really like some advice on how to deal with this situation.

DH now works constantly from home. He doesn't like going out and is happy to stay indoors. I'm probably the opposite of that but realise I've fallen into the same habit with him, although now moving on from that. He clearly has anxiety about anything to do with money - he received a late payment warning from something or other a few months ago and he never stops fretting about this kind of stuff. He doesn't have any secret debt.

So, i booked a lovely trip for his birthday and told him about it recently. Since then he's not stopped talking about the cost of it and how he doesn't want to spend that amount of money, what happens if we need that money for something else etc. I've explained that our savings will cover it, there's nothing to worry about, and if we don't use it for the holiday we'll end up just using it for something else anyway.
Today, I've cancelled the holiday. I now have to tell DS that it's not happening.
I genuinely don't know how much longer i can deal with his anxiety if he doesn't do something about it for himself.
So fed up. What sort of life is it if you just won't spend any money on something nice in case something happens.

You shouldn't have cancelled the holiday tbh, you've given in to his anxiety. It would have shown him you went on a nice holiday, still have plenty of savings and nothing bad happened so all is good imo

Why did you cancel? You’re enabling him. You need to live your life, and ensure that your son enjoys and lives his. If your husband chooses not to join in then that’s on him, but you go. You don’t cancel. That was a mistake. You’re allowing his behaviour to rule your home and your son is going to suffer.

I think you need to address this head on. Make a time to speak to your DH about it, when you both have time and are calm. Explain you are concerned about his attitude to money, and whilst you agree it is important to not be wasteful or frivolous with money, equally, if parties are responsible with money it should be used as a tool to make life better, with little treats - takeaways, coffee/lunches out, Netflix subscription etc and occasional bigger treats - holidays, weekends away etc.

You’ve noticed he worries about this, but that you need this in your life, and so you both need to reach a compromise. What does that look like for him? For example that might be that he could relax and enjoy money being spent on a holiday if he knew you both had a fully funded bare bones emergency fund of 3 months expenses in the bank that you both do not touch (or 6 months). Knowing that money is there, might give him security and so he doesn’t worry about other money.

Or if might be having a ‘holiday’ savings account in which you save monthly for a holiday each year, and that is money you both agree will go on a holiday - no complaining, as it is specifically set aside for that.

See what he thinks and comes up with too. I think this is something you can work together on.

Would it have used all of your savings?

You shouldn’t have cancelled it.

A divorce costs a lot more than a holiday.

Just because you got married doesn’t mean he can do whatever he wants and you have to put up with his shit for all eternity.
That wasn’t the deal.

Why did you cancel the holiday?

Separate your finances.

You and your son go and enjoy some holidays, and live the life you want to live, while your husband sits at home like Scrooge, refusing to leave the house and counting his piles of money.

You shouldn't have cancelled. I'd have taken the.l bairn anyway.

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. No, it wouldn't have used all our savings - it was only £4k. It was travel, tickets, accommodation etc to a special event that he's spent the last 30 years telling me is his favourite thing! I think it's just the lack of wanting to do something special and I know he'll be quite happy sitting at home watching this event on the tv.

I don't know why but I just feel so disappointed and fucked off with it. I know I shouldn't have cancelled but, to be honest, I did so because I knew he wouldn't enjoy it now and would spend the time fretting and driving me mad.

Ask him if would like to be the richest man in the cemetery. People get used to saving. Plenty of posters on MN whose parents live in cold houses, no heating on etc but have money in the bank. It becomes a way of life.

Is it definitely cancelled, can you rebook it for you and your son?

I’m going to go against the flow here.

It was £4k. That’s a lot of money for anyone. You should have discussed it first. Especially if it was something for him, rather than a family holiday. It’s too much pressure to put on him, and he’d probably feel it was his fault if something came up in the future where the money was needed.

And idea why he is so stressed about money if you have savings and are not stressed? Why did he get a late payment notice?

I wouldn’t have cancelled. His anxiety is for him to deal with. You can’t help unless he wants you to, and it sounds like he doesn’t, so I would be living my life and either he can join you (and moan about the finances) or not join you (and moan about the finances). Next time, tell him you’re booking a holiday and give him the option to come, but make it clear you’ll be going whether he’s coming along or not.

Who thinks it’s ok to spend £4K of family money without discussing first?!! That’s not how I would do things. If you want to book a surprise break then do it from personal spends money that you’ve built up yourself, not from joint finances

Can you rebook something cheaper tbh 4k is a lot.
something cheap and cheerful is fine for kids
i always booked Haven with my boys and explored locally
Eurocamp perhaps?

We're extremely comfortable, same sort of age and had a life of being very careful. I see why you want more, as we're very much the same and time is passing.

However, 4k is a lot of cash and that would very much be a joint decision and my DH would rather watch events on tv...so I see his point too.

Your bigger issue is that really you need more and he will probably need less and this won't get better over time.

Um l don't think you should have cancelled the holiday from what you are saying hubby may have a major issue with health l am not trying to worry you . But would dear hubby have a chat to gp it may not be anxiety it may be a form agoraphobia. That's when one is afraid to go out men can get it as well as ladies . Please don't miss something important.l am not trying to worry you but just in case . Has he displayed this before at all in behaviour I.e .while at home working . I am a chap and many years ago had the same problem .

Maybe just me but I’d be furious if DP booked a 4k holiday with family savings without consulting me. And we have good savings. It’s more the principle. A cheaper mini break lovely.

OK, so you've cancelled the trip, rightly so IMV. Would you have enjoyed it as much as him? I think you did the right thing there.

However, now I'd be on Tripadvisor or looking up holidays for the same time. Find something for a little less than the cost of the event trip and if he still isn't keen, off you go with your son and leave him to it.

He's probably happier at home. Many people have social anxiety and dislike leaving their comfort zone. This may be your life going forward as he may be reluctant to get help or counselling for this. So you must carve out your own life and enjoy that.

Your life should not be made miserable by your DH's insecurities. Separate your finances asap and enjoy your life with your son.

You need to do holidays for you and dc if you have the money to. just because he wants to be a hermit doesn’t mean you have to be. Imagine your dc growing up thinking that this normal get him on holiday while you can. His money anxiety should not affect your life. I would hate this.

Rebook something just for you and Ds.

my husabnd had almost a hundred thousand savings and no debt and got a CCJ becasue he ignored the letters