DS appears autistic at home but is much better on holiday away from his obsessions - advice?

[SpinningTops]

I’m fairly sure DS (6) is autistic. He’s on the waiting list for assessment. He has frequent meltdowns at home and is very difficult, I’d say slightly demand avoidant.

but we’ve come away on holiday and deliberately left the things he’s obsessed with at home (Lego, building toys etc). He’s been much more present, played well with his sister and generally not appeared very autistic (other than a bit of excited jumping and flapping).

This leaves me in a bit of a pickle because I’m not sure what to do when we go home, whether to remove his special interest to improve his happiness or not.

My son is 6 and was diagnosed autistic at a young age. Now he's a bit older, he has a really good grasp of being able to do things on certain days or at certain times. There's a game he plays on the Xbox (cheers DH 🙄) which was fine, until he got good at it. Really good at it. Now if he's unable to complete a level he will get v worked up. We have put in conditions that he's allowed to play it e.g. not before X Y or Z activities on the weekend because he needs to not be worked up, or he can only play it on a Friday after school or whatever. Time limits also work with a visual timer (we use a timer where you can visibly see the time reducing). As a natural rule follower, this has worked well for him and he actually seems to welcome it being contained within a defined boundary.

So far my DS5 is much happier on holiday than at home (also confirmed ND suspected autism). On holiday we are at a resort, at a waterpark hotel or camping. So swimming 2 or more times a day, playing with sand, dirt and water. Surrounded by family. Low expectations re:food (but he doesn’t notice). His first nights of sleep were once camping and once at the beach. He is safe, interacts with no one except us and maybe a waitress, all sensory and proprioceptive needs met.

Plus can use natural materials to build and we’ll have some stuff from current interest or watch a show during down time and then read.

At home not during the school year he still has less accidents but it’s harder to keep him the right level of stimulated- he hates going out but he needs to go out, it’s hard for me to supervise 2 kids swimming without DH…

During the school year he is exhausted and stressed. His favourite toys and interests are needs to relax but also stop him from getting enough sleep or getting to swimming lesson. I have to regilate access to them in kind ways so he also meets his sleep and swimming/proprioception needs. I’ve just moved swimming and ballet from 4pm to 6pm and it works better because he has longer to destress after school. I try to keep it put away so he doesn’t see it in the morning before school. The goal is for him to eventually balance all his needs - he’s happier with swim and ballet but in the moment leaving the house is hard.

So I believe the pattern you’re seeinf and I bet he needs more family attention and more swimming at home, plus predictable access to LEGO (and I always talk about it’s my job now to help you figure out how much LEGO time and I do my best but sometimes I am wrong etc. Later you will learn how to give your brain and body what it needs).

Some great advice on the recent posts - thanks.

Maybe I’ll try start the day with outdoor time, not let us slip into Lego. Then Lego can be an afternoon thing which I manage if it’s making him stressed.

We’re home now and he’s been back to it and already has had a big meltdown. I gently took him away from it and used the ‘it’s my job to help you work out when it makes you upset’ line and then told him I needed to practise my breathing which I did. He shouted at me through it but came out the other side and we put the Lego away until tomorrow.

i guess it will take time to work out what’s the best thing to do but I’m really glad I posted.

I would try and get past him not doing things that are autistic behaviours as him being “better” as the implication is him being autistic and showing autistic behaviours is bad.

It’s mostly the meltdowns which I’m meaning he’s not doing and that feels better for everyone.

He’ll still do his sensory seeking behaviour which I don’t see as ‘bad’.

I have adhd and possibly autistic. If an interest is taking over I find it best just to stop it for a few days. Then go back in smaller timed amounts, and build back up to normal amount.

He's only 6.

I'd give him time

Thank you! I try to take strategies from adults who've figured it out

I like the idea for a NT child, but it made me laugh imagining how badly that would go with my DS, a box absolutely shouldn't be upside down, or near his blocks and would likely completely stress him out until it was the correct way up where it belongs, and telling him that an object sleeps or rests would annoy him and he'd correct me straight away 🤣

I agree - his safe space ( home 🏡 ) with his special interests are his sanctuary - please don’t remove them as they’re his soothing comfort and reassurance in a complicated world . My DS 20 is autistic and I was given this advice when he was much younger - “let him be the person he is, not the person you want him to be’’ I didn’t want him to be different as it terrified me, so I understand completely xx The thing I eventually learned was, that by hammering a square peg into a round hole, all you end up doing is damaging the peg xxx

thats not true at all. Autistic people dont perform/act autism constantly.

Do you mean masking?

Many people with autism who are able to - and not everyone is - often mask to enable them to fit in / be accepted in situations. I’ve done it my whole life. I was very high achieving in school, top sets in everything, accepted into Oxford, did a lot of public facing / public speaking roles etc. I can do it, it just utterly exhausts me. When I reached my 30s it was like I had a huge burn out and I just couldn’t cope with it anymore. Very common in women with autism. I don’t work at all now (combination of things, previously high earning, inheritance and complex health needs) and I’m finally at a place where I feel comfortable with myself and who I am. Certain aspects of my autism are more pronounced now- I can’t stand crowds, noises, I won’t put myself in situations that I don’t like. As a child I just had to navigate these and often ended up going into myself to cope - all of my school reports (80s) state “Pigeonqueen is so quiet” - that was me shutting down to survive.

The square peg and round hole is a good way of thinking about it. I’ll try remember that.

We’re back home and he’s back on the Lego but invited me to a competition and I’m modelling out loud some ways of thinking ‘I’m finding this really difficult so I’m going to take a little break and have a cup of tea’.

Given that I was set a difficult task requiring a complex knowledge of cogs and worm screws it was true 🤣.

He’s been very sweet and told me I’m doing great!