I’m looking for some words of wisdom and advice please as I don’t want to make the situation any worse than it already is.
My brother and I have always been close to our parents Who are now retired, early 70s, both are reasonably fit & well and active but have long term health conditions (severe asthma, heart problems etc).
My brother and I are both married with children of primary school age.
Parents have helped us out over the years by having the Dgc one day a week before they started school, pick ups from school once a week, babysitting, childcare during the hols etc.
During Covid my parents were on the clinically vulnerable list and didn’t do any childcare during the lockdowns as all of Dgc were attending nursery/school as keyworker children. This was the start of the rift. SIL told DB that my parents were unfeeling and she couldn’t understand how any grandparent could refuse to care for their grandchild. She said that it had changed the way she felt about them and after covid things were definitely cooler on her part.
My niece has asthma and suffers from constant illness and infections. She has recurring tonsillitis and during the winter is ill almost constantly, this is being investigated by paediatricians/ENT specialist.
Her constant illness has put a huge strain on my DB and SIL as they’ve had to take a lot of time off and have had various issues with school over DN’s attendance. My parents have helped out where they can but when she has had respiratory infections DM has sometimes refused to provide childcare as if she catches something, often it will result in a chest infection and her being really poorly. She has been admitted to hospital a couple of times as they can be really hard to shift, combined with her asthma. She has helped out though by having DN when she’s had tonsillitis or been suffering with her asthma.
SIL is now not speaking to my mum, saying that she should have done more to help when DN was off school ill for 2 weeks.
This has been going on since the end of last year and means we no longer have family meet-ups such as Xmas lunch or at Easter as SIL doesn’t want to be around my mum.
DM still collects DN from school etc but SIL ignores her and sits in another room.
DB has kind of shrugged it off and sees my parents with my nieces at weekends etc without SIL.
it just feels like a horrible situation and it’s making DM so sad. She’s asked me not to say anything to DB, I think she’s hoping that SIL will come round in time. I’m feeling really angry about it though and finding it increasingly hard to stay out of it!
So as not to drip feed, SIL is from another country where grandparents are expected to take on a large share of childcare and are very involved in taking care of the grandkids whilst the parents work. Families are very close knit and often live together, so I wonder if even though she’s lived here for 20+ years, there’s possibly some resentment that things are difficult.
Not sure what to do for the best? Am I just going to make it worse if I tell my brother to get a grip on the situation?