Help with racist elderly dodgy aunt

[Onlythemother]

My df died recently and my dm goes out every week for lunch with her sisters (one is "dodgy aunt"), a friend and my older db's wife.
I've been off work so invited tomorrow.
I rarely see dodgy aunt, I don't like her, she's racist, bigoted and loudly opinionated.

My db and sil have warned me not to say anything to cause a scene and upset dm at the moment as a bereaved widow and I wouldn't want to, but I don't know how to sit there and say nothing whilst dodgy aunt spouts her nonsense.

I don't want her thinking I agree with her.
So what are some things I can do or say that won't upset dm but show I don't agree.

Paddington stare?

Your SIL could help by sitting next to dodgy aunt and you can aim to position yourself furthest from her. Maybe your SIL can also be an ally and try to steer conversation away from issues where aunt will get on her high horse on spicy topics.

If you do hear her sprouting crap then maybe go for a toilet break, start talking about the dessert menu, drop your fork and go hunt out a new one. Don’t engage, basically.

Good luck and sorry for your loss.

Personally, I wouldn’t go and would arrange some nice lunches for DM of my own.

I tend to ignore them and change the subject.

Change the subject blatantly and with a humorous grin “the weather is great isn’t it?!” Loudly when she talks crap.

I think in this situation you will just have to ignore it, unless her comments are actually directed at someone. If there’s children involved then I wouldn’t go, they don’t need to think that that’s acceptable

I wouldn't go. There's no way I could sit with my mouth shut while someone is being racist.

Arrange something at a different time.

Just don't go 🤷‍♂️

I think I'd learn to keep my mouth shut, smile & wave and change the subject if it meant doing something nice for my recently widowed mother.

Pp saying don't go, I wouldn't and don't normally, but whilst I'm on bereavement leave my dm said she'd love me to come.

Dsil said she normally ignores the dodgy aunt, but she is more quiet and shy than me which is why db especially rang me to say to behave seeing as it's a one off for me.

No children present.

Will ignore and change the subject, thank you.