To think my MIL has a problem with me?

[aprilfoolshower]

We got on well at the start of DP and I’s relationship, I’ve gone to a lot of effort to build a bond with her but gradually she has shown less interest. Mainly when DP moved in with me and she didn’t like that she wasn’t the only woman in his life anymore (I know, gross) she would begin to fight for his attention and put him in situations where he would have to let one of us down, the jealousy became apparent when I fell pregnant.
She would tell me what to do and control what we could and couldn’t buy, so I slowly began distancing myself from her.
She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year and she’s in quite a bad way physically at this current time. DP visits her as much as he can but it’s difficult with work and a baby.
I have sent her shopping, bought her books and things to do when she’s having a bad day, generally tried to do my best as a DIL, but I’ve never received a thank you or acknowledgment from her.
She cries to everyone that he doesn’t make effort anymore because I don’t let him. then denies it when confronted. It seems she wants to blame me for everything rather than just be happy for her son having his own family now. Face to face she acts like there isn’t a problem but over the phone she can’t contain her dislike of me anymore.
Its come to my final test of patients when she had a fall and spent a week in hospital with broken ankles, I cleaned her house and sorted out her washing before she came home and DP said we’d all come and spend the day with her (her sons, daughter, me, SIL and our children) but she said she didn’t want any visitors. Fair enough.
except that DP got a text asking him to go there alone, he was shocked but concerned so he went and saw that all relatives were there. MIL just didn’t want me or our children there. I tried to act like I wasn’t bothered but it’s really hurt me. This week DP brother arranged an Easter meal for the weekend as they are going away after, held at MIL as she’s still not mobile, but again she said no visitors. It’s come to light she invited her friends, except me once again.
DP doesn’t want to Rock the boat as she’s fragile and will play a victim, but I’m now questioning if I should have a relationship with his family at all.
I know I’ll be told I have a DP problem, he’s just as annoyed and confused as me.
Any ideas what I should do?

how is she fragile? Broken ankles doesn’t mean impending heart attack if she gets told to buck her ideas up.
your DH needs to stand up for you.

In short: I dont think you have a dh problem, it sounds like a nightmare for both of you
And yes, grey rock and distance yourself, she clearly doesn't like you and her behaviour is out of order.

Re the immediate station, the recovery from 1 broken ankle is very disabling, with 2 I have no idea how's she's managing. Does she have carers/nurses in? My mum needed them to help with just one broken ankle.

Your DP may be annoyed and confused but he is enabling his mums behaviour and not confronting her. By him attending this Easter meal he is accepting her behaviour.

If this was happening to me I would be distancing myself. You sounds like a lovely person just trying to be kind and helpful. She doesn't appreciate it and is throwing her toys out the pram. It's horrible that she has singled you and your children like this.
Don't help this lady if she treats you like an outcast.

DH needs to reinforce the message that you are family unit, and that includes you and the kids. It’s all of you or nothing.

It's really hard to understand until you've been there, but I found the whole transition from parenting children to adults, by far the hardest part of parenting. I think I find a good balance of being a supportive parent and allowing them to live their now lives now, but defintitely DS1's early relationships were a big challenge for me.

It's not just that you become less important in their lives, it's that you can see all the mistakes and heartache coming, when e.g girlfriend is controlling, and there's nothing you can do about it. They're still your DC and you still worry yourself sick about them.

But in your shoes I'd have thought MIL was awful too.

She's got sons, a daughter and another DIL.
It doesn't sound like you are keen on her in any case.
I'd take the win and step back a bit, let the others do the helping if she needs it.

I thought your dp must have been an only child by the way she's behaving. I'd be the youngest/oldest? The golden child?

Your dp has a few options, confronting her isn't the only option.

He could stop attending these family gatherings without you and your children.

He could ask her why is she saying she doesn't want visitors then having visitors without you.

He could simple tell her he doesn't like being lied to.

These are not unreasonable questions.

From what you describe I can’t see how she is ‘fragile’? She’s playing up the ill health card, absolutely and everyone is pandering to it. Your DH needs to stop pandering. For example, fair enough, with two broken ankles, events are held at her house currently. However, zero reason your DH can’t confront her about this.