Red flag or sweet?

[Saveafun]

I've fairly recently got together with a man from my (wide) social circle.

I think it's probably fair to say people will be surprised by our partnership. He's a bit younger than me, friends "joke" that he's punching and it's true he's not traditionally attractive, but he's a good kind man.

Anyway, I have noticed that he makes a point of putting his arm around me and giving me a peck on the cheek much more frequently when we're at things with people we know from this wide circle, than he does when we're out alone or with close friends. Like he's making sure everyone realises we're a couple.

Is that sweet because he's proud and wants to tell the world, or is it creepy territory marking?

Possibly either/both, but my first thought was is it a behaviour manifesting out of his insecurities about his looks, less territory marking and more a public 'look at me I'm successful in love'.

IME it's not 100% either of those. It's a consequence of people saying he's punching. Which is really unfair on both him and you. I've had direct experience of this, ex's 'friends' saying he was punching and him taking it to heart. I then became something of a possession and one way or another he had to 'prove' that he was actually with me, but it wasn't rooted in being proud of me or being creepy either.

Knowing what I know now, I would call out the people putting him down (because that's what they're doing - saying he's not good enough for you, whilst wrapping it up as a compliment towards you) if they say it in front of you. Be vocal in saying how out of order it is if you hear it second hand from him or others. And then alongside that, point out to him that you're not a possession or a trophy to show off, and if he can't stop using you as a prop to scaffold his own low self esteem, then you'll have to reconsider the relationship - and mean it. Tell him that you won't accept being used as a way for him to get validation from other men people.

Aww that rings so true.

When friends ask why I'm with him, I either recite a list of his lovely qualities, or say "I could tell you but I wouldn't want you to feel inadequate"

I feel bad for the guy, and I felt bad for my ex too, but in my case it was the nail in the coffin of our relationship, and he just couldn't get past it. It didn't take long for the controlling behaviours to creep in, and for him to constantly accuse me of cheating etc.

It's his own issue to deal with of course, and I certainly don't strut about thinking I'm the dog's bollocks or anything, but if I had my time over I'd set a clear boundary with the 'friends' that talk like that isn't on, whilst also not allowing the boyfriend to indulge in toxic behaviours towards me because of his own low self image. I don't even know if I've given a terrible perspective here, all I can say is keep your eyes open and don't pander to him, you can stand up for him in other ways.

The tone of your post gives off that even you think he’s “punching”, and he probably picks up on that subconsciously.

Your friends sound like a bunch of pricks, When they ask why you’re with him, why aren’t you telling them not to be so fucking rude?

I wouldn’t like it but I don’t think it’s automatically a red flag. What more relevent is whether you like it or not. If not then you need to tell him and how he responds and deals with it will be more telling of what he is like.

Who are these people making digs at your boyfriend? I've never asked someone why they're with who they're with.

Why do you think friends ask you why you are with him? It seems a bit odd.

This

not nice at all. He’s probably noticing that you, and your friends, look down on him

Sounds like his just more comfortable around his mates? 😊

I don't think he's punching at all, I feel very lucky to be with this kind, intelligent, interesting and interested, fit and active man who's always keen to plan things for us to do together. It's like a breathe of fresh air. I can see why others might thinks so if they're judging things entirely on looks.

It's not my friends, it's his friends, who joke about how well he's done for himself.

How do you feel about it? Do you find it lovely, or do you find it creepy?

I don't find it creepy, I just wonder why he's less affectionate when no-one's looking.

I don’t think it’s a red flag but if you don’t like it then tell him or end it.

Ah, I see. So why would do you think his friends do this?

I have a natural tendency to want to do this.

In my case its not about signifying "ownership" or telling other men to back off. There's two reasons for it -

1. If I'm out with a group of people. I'm likely feeling a bit uncomfortable. Even if it's a group of people I know really well, I'm still a massive introvert and would rather be at home, or out with just DP, or just one friend. Having my arm around DP helps me feel grounded
2. I genuinely do feel an enormous amount of love for DP when we're out and about. One of the things I love most about her is how fun she seems to find life, and that's never more evident than when we're on a night out. And that makes me want to be touchy feely as a result.

I try not to do it too much, as I know that it can look like possessiveness or jealousy, and would probably be annoying for DP. I've gotten better at that as we get older. But the impulse is still there, and it's coming from a good place.

To be fair is that not completely normal when you meet your new boyfriends mates / siblings etc... "What on earth do you see in this ugly bugger?!" Surely they're just joking around if they're his mates?!