Loneliness

[LonelyOne1]

I have just realised (after decades of living alone) that I am actually desperately lonely. I am single, live alone, have some friends but they are all busy with their families. I am a teacher and I get all the interaction I need in term time and am too exhausted to do anything after work or at the weekends. But then it comes to the holidays and I just feel so alone. I feel like my life is very unbalanced and I don’t really know how to fix it. Does anyone have any advice?

I think this is a classic teacher problem.
A few ideas in no particular order thinking of things that could happen at weekends or holidays.

Colleagues that could be developed into friends starting by suggesting a holiday meet up. Perhaps a dinner with a group of you or coffee/cinema with someone you get on well with.
A weekend walking group
Group holidays ideally with a common interest.
Teaching at a summer school.
A cat (low maintenance, great company and as good company as a husband according to the Times today)

Hi Op,

Sorry to hear that!

Are you dating? The apps can be successful but it’s a bit of a numbers game and can be a bit grim!

I think having regular hobbies /volunteering are really important. I get it about feeling tired in the evenings but sometimes exercise can actually energise you. Something like tag rugby/netball could be great for meeting people and a team sport if you felt up for it.

I would also suggest getting a pet as massively endorphin boosting! Or borrow my doggy if you don’t feel able to.

I can see that during the week you might be exhausted but you probably need to push yourself to find something at weekends if you don't want to feel lonely during the holidays.

Plus get a cat. They can sit on your knee and purr when you are tired after work.

Thank you both. I do have a cat who is usually enough but for some reason today he isn’t. I can’t face dating apps to be honest. I probably do need to force myself out there a bit more though.

This was literally me for years. I remember I used to get very low in the holidays, especially the summer ones. I did eventually meet someone and had children, and now long for a week or so alone, but I’m not being facetious there; I do remember how difficult I found it.

What I do is lists.
My Easter list looks like this:

Sow direct seeds (I have an allotment)
Charity shops for men shirts (for the allotment)
Trip to London exhibition
Find a branch for the Easter eggs (I collect porcelain Easter Eggs and I hang them on branches in the window)
Walk and pub lunch with the girls.
Sort out summer/winter clothes.
Book club discussion points.
Read the book for book club.
Cook a new recipe.

So I’m not with people all the time, but I give myself tasks to keep me busy. I don’t have a big family (just me and DD, who doesn’t live with me), and I get what you mean, it sometimes feels like everyone has these massive get togethers and I’m not seeing anyone for days. So my lists help.

I get where you are coming from. Try meet-up app - better than dating but allows people to meet & do an activity together.

is it worth just trying a new sport during the holidays or maybe volunteering? Otherwise gym classes might be worth a shot or a group holiday.

@Squiggles23 the answer to feeling lonely should never be ‘get a partner’.

I get the loneliness too.

And I think the answer is, unfortunately, to find a way to make some friends during term time so you have people to see/interact with out of term time too.

The obvious is to join a club for an activity/hobby you enjoy. Meet up is great. Doing a course (whatever it is). Some ‘organised’ holidays - I’m thinking like a walking hols as a group. A week long yoga retreat etc….

Do you like walking? Walking groups usually run in most areas. Or wild swimming if you're near water.

Something connected to nature I feel will uplift you.

I would not search for the answers by looking for a guy. Getting a guy isn't the answer to this.

Insight timer is this app I registered with a while back. I love it. It has lots to it that helps you explore all this.

I still grapple with this,but the answer to this is not in other people. When I have deep experiences in nature or through music - this makes sense to me and I understand this mantra.

It's important to engage with other people though on some level.

Music- do you have energy or desire? Singing club/ choir.

I’m not going to look for a man to fix this. I’m 50 and I think that part of life is over for me.
I would love to be able to join a walking group but I have health issues and just can’t keep up. Choir is a good idea though. Thank you.

I really like @BuddhaAtSea‘s list. Lists don’t always have to be to-do, as in chores and jobs, they can also be want-to-do. Really like that idea, might help work out the things you’d like to be doing.

I belong to some hiking groups, I suffered a serious injury last year and was temporarily disabled mobility wise. Once I could walk a small distance again I joined a walking group for health. It’s just an hour and aimed at people who are not after a massive hike. I’m back with my other walking groups now except the hardcore one that has you jumping through streams and marching up hills. Choirs are excellent though.

I agree with the lists. I have a long list of boring to-dos but also nice things - books to read, exhibitions to see. Then every weekend I make a shortlist out of my long list, so that I have an agenda for the weekend, if I’m not seeing friends (which is most weekends).

For meeting new friends I’ve found bumble friend app quite good. And meet up has been good though I didn’t get any lasting friendships from it.

I don’t mind hibernating in the winter but now the sun is out I do feel the loneliness more when I see groups of people and couples out enjoying themselves. It doesn’t stop me doing anything, but on occasion I do come home feeling a bit worse rather than better.