Impact of an unemotional parents

[GauntJudy]

My dad has never hugged me or told me he loves me. We see each other regularly and he's a nice person, but he seems incapable of showing love.

My mum is similar, she doesn't hug, she is incapable of giving me a compliment. She's surprised if anyone finds something positive to say about me.

Growing up my worth was entirely about my academic achievement, and even then it was a reflection of their own intelligence and ended up being just a portion of what they thought they were capable of. They were distant and rarely in the same room as me.

It makes me sad really and explains my low self esteem and feeling unlovable.

I'm a very loving parent, I give cuddles all the time and tell dc "I love you" at least every day. I'm 48 but I so miss my grandparents who I lost in my 20s and who loved me unconditionally and made me feel like I could light up a room.

Sigh. No point to my post beyond having an ongoing battle to convince myself I am worthy of love. Sorry I do realise some people didn't have anything at all, just feeling sad.

I totally feel the pain in your post and well done for breaking the cycle and making sure your children get all the love, support and cuddles.

Have you ever talked to them about why they can’t demonstrate affection?

I can empathise. I only have one parent left and they couldn't be less interested in my life. I have actively stopped bending over backwards for them which has made me feel less like a failure, as I realised nothing I do will be good enough.

My main joy is that I didn't become the same and managed to break the cycle for DC. I am very proud of my parenting compared to what I had, and make a point of reminding DC that this is important because it isn't what I had but they must keep it up and not become like their grandparents if they have kids.

Thanks @NoPrivateSpy, I've not talked to them. They are in their 80s and I don't want them to feel sad or for it to trigger regret. I think my dad would explain about his own strange upbringing with a mother with mental health issues. My mum had incredibly loving parents, and she was/is beautiful and intelligent. I think she likes occupying the centre of her universe leaving no room for anyone else.

My mum and dad whilst they would hug snd kiss us never said they loved us they absolutley did though they woukd do anything for us
We lost my mum at the end of january my dsd said he never told her he loved her until l the last few weeks of her life ,yet he was uttetly devoted to her and spent years as her carer i dont doubt for one minute how much he loved her and us.

Nothing to say apart from snap on pretty much all counts!

oh I totally empathise. It’s shit isn’t it?
i split from dh a couple of years back (we did eventually reconcile hence still dh) and it was so painful and my parents were great in a practical sense - made me dinner, help me sort financials out, changed locks etc, but that first day when I was so broken and in pain, sobbing, all I wanted and needed was a hug but there was none. And I realised then how utterly unaffectionate my parents are. I can’t remember any hugs, or them ever saying I love you. They are proud of my accomplishments (two degrees, well behaved children etc) but never me. And it’s also made me realise how much I have sacrificed in my attempt to be good enough for them. I wanted to go to college at 16 and study a vocational course but they said I should stay at school and do a-levels as they thought the course was below me (“waste of a grammar school education” I recall my dad saying) and so I did what they thought was best. And in my 40s I am just starting to push back. Not easy though.

I’ve made sure I tell my children often that I love them and always give a hug when they need it. And always always support their choices, whether I think it’s a good idea or not. I’m not letting them feel the way I do, like they’ve been held back from their dreams because they need my approval. They have it l - always.

I so relate to this. I have no memory of ever being hugged or even touched by either of my parents. As I get older I have started to realise what a huge impact it's had on me. I am super affectionate and loving with my children and I'm so glad that I have been able to parent differently

My mum wasn't interested. I'm interested and invested in my child but I don't think he likes me very much.

I miss my grandparents too, well my granny and her sister. That unconditional positive regard. They kept toys I loved, displayed my 'art' on their mantelpieces, treasured my graduation photo, wrote letters and sent newspaper clippings relevant to my interests. Hugs on tap, I think I sat on my tiny granny's knee til I was 13! Every child needs someone like that in their lives - we can survive even terrible parenting if we have that.

@SummerhillsquareI'd forgotten that that used to bother me during my childhood. There were never any photos of me and my sisters in our house and I was really aware that that there were in my friends'.

I had lots of counselling for this very reason. I had to forgive my parents; they didn’t know any better and couldn’t give me what I wanted. So I get it elsewhere and make sure I smother my kids with affection