embarrassingly hiding from my flatmate - hate flatshares!

[anxiety12]

I’m a Londoner so I still have to flatshare as a single adult in late twenties. Just one flatmate but still find it hard🥲

I have autism too so I’m always self conscious about seeming weird and am very good at masking in my personal life (usually come across as extroverted, have many NT friends who don’t even know I have ASD).

But it’s harder to mask at home and I cringe at all the weird things I’ve accidentally said to my flatmate.

I know he thinks I’m really weird and regrets choosing me as a flatmate, so I try to give him space. I wfh on days I know he’ll be at the office and vice versa. Also, I tend to be out on weekends. However it’s harder to avoid them on weekday evenings like today.

I was home alone, finished wfh and had just cooked my dinner from scratch then left it plated in kitchen before planning to eat it. Then my flatmate just came home and is now eating their dinner so I feel far too paranoid to get my food and eat at the table because I’ll awkwardly have to see him. I don’t want to bother him because I can just tell from his body language alone he thinks I’m weird, and don’t want to force awkward small talk on him.

On one hand I’d like to think I’m doing him a favour giving space but then worry hiding in my room seems passive aggressive too (not my intention!). The joys of flatsharing🥲
I’m otherwise ‘normal’ and can easily pass as neurotypical in my personal life, but I find flatsharing so difficult because I worry I’m too overbearing for a flatmate.

Why don't you tell him about your autism? It might help things in the future.

He probably thinks you're bonkers for skulking about and letting your meal go cold.

I like my own space so I get where you’re coming from. But really if he felt so awkward sharing space with you then he’d be hiding from you, and he’s not. Go and get your food.

You need your food, OP. Your flatmate may not think you're weird, he may think you are nervous and shy and feel self-conscious himself. You can just say hello as you sit down at the table to eat your dinner. Take a book or listen to something with ear phones if you want to signal that you're not particularly expecting a chat.
But actually, if you do chat for a minute or two now and then, you may feel more relaxed together. Flat sharing is hard work at first but gets easier.

Oh sympathy OP.

I have two empty bedrooms in my house and have from time to time pondered letting them out.

I just know though that I would hate having strangers in my house so I just can't do it even though you can make good money.

I'd be like you flat sharing - hiding in my room. Can't you find a cheap small studio that you live alone in or something even if it's tiny.

Yeah, i think I'd tell him and just explain that's why you're thinking so deeply about things he's probably not worried about, op, honestly xx

I totally feel you OP - this would 100% be me. It's only now, having realised late on in life that I am autistic, that I now understand why I handled house shares in my 20s SO badly.
If someone else is in the kitchen (be it DH or my mum), I will go elsewhere until they are gone! I know a lot of people will think that is totally nuts, but it is just how I am.
If you have to eat in the kitchen, can you not take a book or a magazine to read while you eat? No reason why being sat in the same room needs to have small talk.

Honestly I just feel embarrassed to mention I have ASD, I worry there’s still a stigma with autism and being seen as extra weird. Also, as we don’t know each other well (just been flatmates for a month) I think he’d think I’m even more strange for oversharing that. Some of my close friends who are NT don’t even know I have ASD.

Hot take: maybe he fancies you..?

Also - just go and eat your dinner.

Suppose he does think you're weird

What harm?

He's one human being, no more important or accurate in his judgment than anyone else.

I would try not to give him so much headspace.

You can overestimate how much people think about you at all.

He's in London. He needs a flatmate. He's got a considerate one. He's okay.

😂 a crazy take but made me lol

He’s far more attractive than me and I’m very average

Honestly - I think you’d be surprised how understanding he may be (there is a programme about autism on CH5+1 right now). It would certainly make it easier for you both to navigate sharing a home if he understands. My DD is about to go to university and has decided it is easier to tell people - she started with people on her access course and has found it a total relief and so much easier to do group work. Everyone in her classes has been lovely and accepting.

Don’t be embarrassed. You’ll probably find out he’s shy/dyslexic/partially deaf or something.

@anxiety12 well you are being weird right there! who leaves a plate of food if they are not going to eat it?????

Plenty of reasons someone might have a change of plan and stick the food in the microwave later. "Weird" is a very subjective judgment, which is one reason the OP shouldn't worry about it.

What exactly is it that you think shows he thinks you are weird?

Perhaps a "cards on the table" chat would work. Explain your autism, that you trying to give him space but are worried that actually you have done the opposite and appear unfriendly and reclusive? Ask how he would like you both to navigate the share, ground rules etc.

Haha fair enough, tbh I guess that’s why I hide away because I know I’m already ‘weird’ and ruined initial impressions so I’m ashamed, it’s hard to come back from that and then act normal

The thing is, once people know you better, they are less inclined to think you are weird. You just become an individual who is "normal for you". If your flatmate has made it to his 20s and works in London, he'll know a great variety of people.

But ultimately, it's like fear of flying. Once you're in the plane, you can be more or less scared: it won't make a difference. If you think he has already judged you as weird, you can hide from him or get on with things. It won't make a difference.

Be a bit selfish. His convenience and comfort aren't more important than yours. If he really feels awkward, seeing more of you is more likely to help than not anyway. He may even be worried he's offended you.

Don't assume you'd have fewer rights than him even if you were weird.

He’s a normal outgoing guy. I can sense from his eyes I make him uncomfortable even slightly nervous despite him usually being normal and confident. Also, his tone of voice seems less enthusiastic speaking to me compared to others.

If he is going to judge you then he is just a twat and why would you care what a twat thinks of you?

Thank you! I genuinely hadn’t thought of it like that, makes sense to me:)

You sound like me.

I read so much into the tone of voice or look in the eyes or whatever and make it so big in my head. When, if I was to bring it up to the person in question, they have no idea what I am talking about. I am ND, my sister isnt so I can talk to her about this stuff and thats when I realised that actually she wasnt pissed off or bored or angry or whatever, that was me reading WAY too much into her body language than was actually there. Basically my low self esteem told me she was pissed off and my ND brain confirmed it.

Talking to her helped me realise that I was "seeing" things that werent there. Thats why I suggested the chat.

He could be feeling uncomfortable (if he actually is) because he sees you skulking around and avoiding him and is wondering what he has done wrong or why you don't like him. He could be thinking that YOU are thinking he is weird! Honestly OP, I think you have a little social anxiety going on and are making assumptions about your flatmate. Just be yourself, even if you are a little weird (and I doubt you really are) just own it and stop caring. It's your home, you have the right to relax and be yourself there.

Could you treat it like an experiment?
Just be yourself and see what it happens. So what if you do make him uncomfortable but I really doubt you will if you are relaxed.
Whats the worst that could happen? You can always move out if it doesnt work out but you might find you make a friend.

It's easy for me to say this as it's not my life - is there some way you can 'own' your Neurodivergent status? And begin telling people, including him.

There are various things on TV and people being more open about it. I just watched that awful Love Triangle but loved it. I really liked the guy there who openly expressed his ND status. More and more people in the public eye are public about it. This I hope is good to help people going forward.

My teen is very open about it as I've encouraged this. It goes pretty well mostly and usually leads to better acceptance and understanding. There's a minority who are not so nice, but you get this with people.

I ultimately hope for you to find your own place. It's just great to have your freedom and space to do whatever you want. You need that. I had some good experiences flat sharing I. London but remember some difficult people. One was a cupboard and door slamming bully ( every Sunday morning )and I just couldn't wait to live alone after that.

Thank you, a sensible idea. Taking baby steps though 😂 today I decided to wfh on same day as him (wouldn’t usually to prevent the extra awkwardness of being home together for a long time).

Forced myself to go into kitchen to put my cup away whilst he was there. Politely said ‘Hey you alright’ (he just nodded didn’t say much then I said ‘oh sorry I just needed to put this in the sink’ but in a gentle tone (I wanted to pretend there was no awkwardness between us).
Yet I still could instantly sense he was tense when I came in the kitchen and I felt awful, and lost confidence to try any further with small talk. As pp had said maybe it is my ASD that makes me read body language too deeply but I’m sure if a NT were in this situation they would have “read the room” and not bothered someone they could sense is uncomfortable.

i know it seems very hard to believe but I’m so good at masking when meeting strangers or when in the office kitchen and speaking to colleagues I don’t know well. Most people in my personal life have described me as bubbly and social so I’m finding it hard that my presence creeps someone out.