Preteen friendship issues

[FlamingoOrange]

Sorry, I know there is a preteen topic but it is quiet on there and I could really do with having a range of opinions on this.

My DS is 11 and in year 6. He is in a friendship group with 4 other boys at school but one, let's call him Dave, is a bit difficult. Dave will often say nasty things to the other boys and he is at his worst with DS. Some of the parents of the other boys have even told me about the things they have heard that Dave has been saying to DS because they were concerned about him. Every so often DS will say he has had enough of Dave and tells him he doesn't want to be friends with him anymore, but Dave will always persuade him to be friends again. It's also difficult when they go to school together and share the same friends.

The other day, DS went to the playground at the end of our road with a couple of friends to play football. Dave and a gang of his slightly older mates started following them around. Dave's friends were calling DS names and pushing him about and it sounds like Dave was involved in doing this as well. They blocked DS's path so he couldn't leave but DS managed to get away and hide in some bushes until they went away.

DS and one of his friends went to Dave's house and told his mum about what had happened. She said 'ok' then shut the door on them. DS was in tears by the time he got home and his friend told me everything that had happened.

Obviously DS wants nothing more to do with Dave and he is now too scared to play in the playground, even with an adult with him, in case Dave's friends are there again. He's also worried about running into these kids at secondary school in September. To make things worse, Dave lives next door to us, so there is no escape from him.
It is DS's birthday party this week and Dave was supposed to be coming. DS has told him he is no longer invited but I'm going to have to tell his parents he can't come as well, arent I? I know from when Dave has been nasty to the other boys in their group and the other boys' parents have tried to speak to Dave's parents about it, Dave's parents have always refused to believe that he could ever do anything wrong and get very defensive.

So my problem is, I need to:

1. uninvite Dave from the party
2. make sure these older kids don't harass DS again.

All without making things awful between our family and Dave's family as we still have to live next to each other and we see these people every day

I would appreciate your opinions on how you would deal with this. Thank you.

Personally I would call his parents and explain that they have had words at school and you would rather not have any drama at his birthday. If they press for details (if their son does this a lot they may well not!) then explain he said XYZ and it was too much for your DS. Don't apologise or go on and on, just be clear and polite.

In a few months they'll all be off to new schools and this will be ancient history before the end of Y7.

First, you sit your son down and ask if he is well and truly done with Dave(hopefully he is , because he sounds like an arsehole). So no going back if Dave starts acting nice or the other boys pick Dave or whatever.

If he’s done, then you message the parent and say “Due to the incident at park where Dave and his friends did x,y,z (detail what happened) we are no longer comfortable to have him for Jimmy’s birthday. It seems like the friendship has run its course and the boys need some distance from eachother. “. Whatever they reply (apologies or excuses) keep firm .

Next, tell the school so they can keep an eye on it in case this spills over . Ask for them to be kept separate, not sat next to eachother etc.

Offer plenty of opportunities for your kid to still go out ,enjoy himself and socialise. Different parks, activities, hanging out at home etc. , but at the same time encourage him not to avoid the local park either, even if goes less often. Could his dad/older sibling/cousin/uncle join him a few times?

Keep things short and civil with the other parents . If they approach you about this just say you’ve explained the situation, made your feelings known and there is nothing more to add.

If they go to the same secondary school you can ask them (it helps if the primary school also supports you on this) to be put on different forms and even better, different halves of the year.

With time and distance things should improve.

Ok thanks. I will text Dave's mum later to explain.

DS is adamant that he will not be friends with him anymore, but I know the reality is that he spends all day with him at school - they are in the same class and they have exactly the same friendship group in school, so it's pretty much impossible to avoid him and he always manages to worm his way back in.

DS has been refusing to go to Dave's house after an incident there a few months ago, so it's really only at school and going to the playground/corner shop that he sees him now. They will be at secondary school together but I will ask whether they can be put in separate halves of the year.

I have told him next time he and his friends want to play football together I will just drive them to another park. Which is shit because he was just starting to enjoy having a bit more independence and being able to go to the playground without me.

Apparently Dave has already started telling everyone his own version of what happened 🙄.

I'm so sorry you'r DS is going through this and that Dave lives next door!!

I would definitely call Dave's mum and have a chat

Tell her how it's now escalated to involve older boys too and outside of school, and that your son now feels he can no longer go to the local park

If your sons up to it I would actually try do it you , DS, dave and his mum as maybe that way he can't deny what's happened, but appreciate your DS might not want that

I think in the past when other parents have shown her proof of what her son is like - e.g. bullying texts he has sent to other children - she refuses to listen to anyone and tells them they have they have misunderstood the situation and Dave has done nothing wrong and she gets quite defensive about it. I also think the fact that she shut the door on DS and his friend when they explained what had happened, without bothering to check they were OK, or contacting me, says a lot about how understanding she's going to be about this.