Time consuming hobbies

[3amamama]

If you or your partner have a hobby that takes a decent chunk of time to feel like you’ve done it properly - golf / cycling / whatever - how much time is reasonable to take to do it, out of family life? Particularly if you have young kids so other partner is definitely picking up slack when someone’s out. Slight point of contention here!

Cross stitch is very time consuming, particularly the counted cross stitch patterns. One mistake can throw everything off, so you have to concentrate and can't be doing with distractions.

Painting as well, especially if you have to set up every time. If you have a designated space it's easier. Would be impossible to do with young children around though as they'd be getting into everything.

Feel your pain OP, my husband is into cycling. Currently training for a marathon. We have 2 small children it’s not fun

Any amount of time is reasonable…. As long as you do plenty as a family and You have equal time to do your hobbies. Even if that hobby is napping.

Harpsichord. Nightmare. Rehearsal one a week and concert season is year- round. Home practise to keep the old fingers limber.

When my kids were young, I had horses. Used to have to take all the kids down to the yard because 'D'H couldn't possibly look after them. Plus side, kids are all great riders and very at home with all aspects of horse care. Minus side - could only ride out when they were all in school.

Horses are time consumers extraordinaire!

So if it was arguably impossible for other partner to have the same without there being not enough whole family time, that would be unfair?

I don’t think people are reading the OP properly - she doesn’t want ideas for hobbies, she wants to know what’s a reasonable time to spend on said hobbies….

OP - I would say it depends on a whole host of things - the number of children, their ages and whether the other parent has the same amount of time to spend on something they enjoy as well.

Yes not looking for hobby ideas 😅 but it’s interesting I guess.

Then again it might shake things up if I announced I am taking up the harpsichord 🤨

If you choose to have children then they should be your priority. Family time should be ring fenced and you should both have equal time to yourselves.

It's the pinnacle of selfishness to carry on like a single man, spending family money and having time away from your children, while leaving your spouse to handle everything alone. At the very least I'd insist on equal time away.

This. I do triathlons with the long term goal of an Ironman but I still make time for us a family and encourage my husband to take equal time for himself

In short, yes. For one adult to have time to themselves to partake of their hobby and the other adult doesn't get similar child-free time, then that is unfair.

My husband cycles. He does 2-3 turbo sessions a week in his lunch break when wfh as training, and one bg ride over a weekend when it is ok weather.

I mostly don’t mind because he is brilliant and really does his share. Occasionally feel resentful that the first thing he wants to do on sunny days is ride his bike instead of being with the family.

our 6yo very into cycling and so he takes him to a mountain bike place most weekends atm, which is nice but it’s really time consuming (4-5hrs) and doesn’t really give him his session (they’ll do about 15-20km mountain biking but husband would do about 80-100km on the road.

I sew which I mostly do after bed time, have tried to get my own hobbies but just doesn’t seem to work out

Three kids who are objectively a handful so do take relatively active parenting, constantly. No nappies or naps anymore but all still young - youngest not yet in school.

The concept of it being a bummer that the hobby is the top priority on a sunny day really resonates. It’s pretty clear that DP would really just do it as much as possible and it would be their preferred thing to be doing over all others. There was a comment earlier about taking time to do hobby on family holidays this year and I am just - no way? They are going on a separate holiday that is all about hobby so it feels a bit much but equally I know it’s as much about principle as time for me. I know it wouldn’t ruin our family holidays for them to do hobby but it annoys me that they want to, and also annoys me that they even brought it up tbh so I am the bad guy for saying actually could you not…but that’s probably immature of me.

The fact that I don’t have an equal hobby is partly that there isn’t another exactly equivalent time available in the week, but also that I feel guilty we don’t have enough family time if I take a big chunk of time too. DP thinks that’s not a valid concern and/or us as adults getting time is equally important from a mental health perspective.

They are however a loving and supportive parent and partner, pull their weight on house stuff, mental load is mine I would say but think that’s more a factor of personality for us - DP is naturally laid back and I’m naturally more highly strung.

I probably need to just try to do more for myself and see where we are then but I think I’ll be worried we are too pressed on time and DP will think it’s all fine.

Not a chance would H have wanted to thus when the kids were young. He wanted children as well, he worked long hours, he didn’t want to miss them growing up.

He liked swimming for exercise, so when we took them for lessons or just to swim, he swan lengths for a bit, then I did, I did a bit less because I jogged in the week and was just using it for resistance rather than cardio. There was also much play with the kids.

I jogged in the mornings, he went swimming a couple of times a week after work for an hour.

We got exercise at the park, in the garden, lifting kids around.

There is no way on earth he would have spent hours on a sunny day cycling or golfing his way around the county. Not whilst the kids were young. But we thrashed all this out before I got pregnant. Once they get older, can hang out with friends, fine cycle away!

We never battled to get time away from the kids why have them? We both exercised, both had home hobbies, both met up with friends but these were exceptions, important occasions. Our kids, what they needed, family time together (outside school and work) came first always, the rest was icing when it could be fitted in.

When I’m driving (live in the countryside) every weekend I see lots of men cycling, barely any women cycling. The women are presumably preparing Sunday lunch or entertaining the kids. Same for golf etc etc. I also roll my eyes at ultramarathon running men - can you imagine if a mum took all that time away from the family to train??

I remember reading how traditionally ‘female hobbies’ like cross stitch can be done in the home whilst looking after the kids. ‘Men’s hobbies’ less so…

Yes three kids here too 6,4,1!

all I would say is when he has gone out on his bike all morning he will more than pull his weight when he gets back and is in a great mood and lovely to be around. Sometimes when he is super grumpy I suggest he get on the bike for a few hours.

often after a morning ride he will come home and take the kids to his dads for the afternoon to give me some time alone. I usually end up cleaning but that’s my own fault and I’m trying to waste my alone time with cleaning!

I also think it’s important to model self care, health, fitness to children. I grew up with parents who also had hobbies and I think that’s why I find it normal (I see some posters saying they shouldn’t do this when have kids which I really disagree with). I think it’s important kids don’t think the world revolves around them and what other people like/ enjoy matters too!

It's cricket in our house. Every single Sat day into eve from April to Sept. And ground prep through March. Then Sun is all about chores for him so he is not available then either. As a result nothing really gets sorted and I get super resentful and have no downtime for myself. It's horrible knowing that cricket is prioritised over us. Yes I could leave and cricket would definitely be the reason. He just says "this might be my last year because of xyz"but then never is. Added to that he is in a foul mood if his team don't win or he was out quickly.

I have a allotment and spend about 20-25 hours a week. But my kids aren’t babies.

We live close to Richmond Park, and by far the majority of Lycra-clad cyclists on the perimeter road at weekends, are men.
Those that really get up my nose, though, are the ones who think it OK to race around the pedestrian paths, massively exceeding the speed limit. Arses!!

I spend a lot of time knitting for a particular charity - the items are always badly needed. But then I’m retired and have ample time for doing whatever I enjoy - which does not include housework!

Singing is my hobby. A half hour 1-1 lessons once a week, choir is a whole evening once a week. Performances average about one every 6 weeks. Thankfully my children are teenagers so it doesn't affect them.

However much time there is available for the other partner to have equal time and for you also have time together too.