I nearly ended it the other week

[ineveratetwoaanything]

I rang Samaritans and got help in time and they kept me safe, but the thoughts keep coming back. I started writing letters this morning. I’ve spoken to crisis and they said someone will ring on Monday and sort out sleeping pills as well. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep going anymore. I keep thinking there could only be so much a human could cope with and I’ve reached my limit now.

Please keep on bravely reaching out. Call the Samaritans as many times as you need to. Post here. You just need to keep going until Monday. Help is on its way. You are worthwhile. It will not always be this way x

I don’t know how to fix things. Work has been horrendous for the last 4 weeks and every day seems to be another major problem. I think I’m the issue. I’m newish to the role and I just think I’m failing everyone. My colleague told me yesterday I’m failing everyone, and she must be right. I don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t want my job anymore. I want to call in sick but we don’t get paid for being off, and if I do I will be off sick and then going straight onto annual leave and I don’t think that’s good either. I don’t know what to do or where to go or who to tell in ‘real life.’ Everyone thinks I’m happy because I smile and nod but it’s masking and people pleasing from trauma, it’s not genuine.

@ineveratetwoaanything I'm sorry to hear you're suffering - I am in the same position as you - having been thinking of the possibility of ending it as the only escape from the constant stress, crying, panic attacks, insomnia... you said it, I've had an endless run of crap and I'm not sure how much more of this a human being can stand. There must be a limit? So I empathise.

Can I ask you how the Samaritans helped you? I want to phone them myself but am afraid to, and I know my DH wouldn't like it. I don't know how Smaritans email would work? Like you, I'm starting to write The Letters, but it just makes me think what a shame I can't see a way out of this.

Im so sorry you are struggling OP.

Sounds to me your colleague was totally out of order to say what she said to you. Of course she wasn't right and you only
think she was right because you are feeling so low.
Can you open up to your manager or someone in HR about how bad you are feeling?
Masking is exhausting. And it has the effect of making you feel more isolated and alone.
Please keep talking to the Sanaritans.
You will get through this.

They know I’m struggling but they don’t know I’m suicidal. The day I rang Samaritans I was pacing back and forth and people were starting to look at me but I didn’t do it. It keeps being said over and over in different ways and I just don’t want this anymore. It’s like that programme This is Going to Hurt, it’s the same situation almost. I don’t think even if I told my managers that they would really care.

I struggled at my work because of my mental health. They made the right noises but I knew they werent invested in my welfare at all. They knew what their statutory duties to me were but weren't interested apart from fulfilling those. And their attitude did feed into my mental health issues.

I eventually went off on long term sick and ended up handing my notice in. But whilst not being well off my financial situation allowed me to do this. So I can understand how trapped you must feel if your finances are such you don't feel able to go off sick or quit the job.

@ineveratetwoaanythingwhat area do you live in?

North East.

I’m dithering over calling in sick on Monday and going to the GP and asking again for help. It’s trying to get help out with my workplace, it’s so difficult and I feel like standing up in meetings sometimes and screaming that I can’t do this and I don’t want this but I don’t know what I want.

I worked so bloody hard for this job but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t know if it’s worth it. I don’t have savings behind me that would last longer than one month. And if I leave my job now I owe them money for annual leave hours, training costs, relocation bonus, so I’d never get my last months pay,

and for training and experience they are good, it’s just so stressful and I’m so unhappy and constantly scared. I feel like I’m treading on eggshells, I feel like everyone is talking about me behind my back even if they aren’t.

https://hubofhope.co.uk/

I mostly know north west services but look on the hub of hope and you can find more local support

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

@ineveratetwoaanything How are you doing this afternoon?

Much the same, I’ve just sat on the floor most of the day. I spoke to someone from Crisis team who said I need sleeping tablets, and suggested a day off work but I really do have to go in. I’m irrationally thinking if I don’t go in they’ll all talk about me and get rid of me. I haven’t touched my work laptop because the thought is getting me so stressed out, but I have to do a lot of work this weekend.

I’m sorry there’s so much stress hitting you from different directions, that can be hard enough to deal with when even in a more positive mind space, let alone when you’re already feeling like that. I do understand what you mean about the worry of what will happen if you don’t go in. I think as daunting as they can seem, sometimes sleeping tablets can be a good idea for the short term, lack of sleep absolutely whacks your mh, and then that in turn can really mess up your sleep, therefore making you feel worse again. It’s a vicious circle. It is a positive that you have been in touch with your local crisis team. I hope they’re going to put a plan in place? Do you believe that you would lose your job at other times when you’ve been unwell and had to take time off? Do you think it’s an actual reality that you’d be sacked? You say you’re thinking this irrationally which would suggest you know perhaps that this wouldn’t actually be the case?
Physical illnesses and mental health illnesses are both equally important, and just because you could probably physically go in to work everyday doesn’t mean that you don’t need time to deal with being unwell. I hope that today is a relatively “better” day?

@ineveratetwoaanything

How are you doing today?

Let me be blunt. No job is worth killing yourself for. Leave and start again. Take some time to recover. Sign on for as many benefits as you can. If they don't pay you because you owe them some money, let them.

I'm not being unsympathetic. I know how hard it is when you're in it, you can't see the wood for the trees, can't see any other way out, can't think rationally. So please let us do that rational thinking for you. Don't let them take your future away from you. It may take a little while to happen, but if you get out now, life will be good again.

Work doesn’t matter in the greater scheme of things. Don’t go on tomorrow. Call your GP instead x

I have suffered from frequent bouts of insomnia as well as 3am anxiety attacks for most of the past 18 months since starting a new job, which has also felt impossible for most of that time. I’ve taken on more and more to try to make up for others not coping but it’s madness. I burned out recently and decided it wasn’t worth it any more. I am exhausted but am sleeping better now I’m moving to a different role. But I’ve gone without sleep for 10+ days in the past and remember how close I was to losing my mind.

It’s only a job. No job should make you want to take your own life to get away from the pressure.

I’ve called in sick for tomorrow. Tuesday I will go in, I can’t afford to lose wages. Today hasn’t been hugely better, I’m managing to do the bare minimum to get by. I’m so confused and muddled in my mind and feel frantic about everything.

Please go and see your GP as soon as you can, they will help.

You've done the right thing giving yourself the day to speak to someone who can help. Take it one day at a time. You're not well, so work can wait until you feel stronger and you don't have to stay there forever.

@ineveratetwoaanything You are strong, you are amazing, and you ARE enough.

You are strong because you have almost made it
to Monday, despite not wanting to still be here anymore. That takes so much strength, and this stranger is so proud that you have made it this far when you are feeling how you are feeling.

Please, please get hold of the GP tomorrow and tell them how low you are, and advise them how you desperately need help. If you feel like leaving before then, or cannot get a GP appointment, please go to A&E. They will help you there and help you to stay safe.

Please consider leaving work and get some advice as to how you can get help financially until you are in a better headspace. Life is so precious, and you are worth so much more than allowing your job to make you feel this way and to make you see no other way out.

Keep taking one minute at a time for now. It doesn’t seem like it at the moment, but I promise that there are other options and slowly, you will feel better and life will get better You just need to get through this minute by minute for now… without the added pressure from work.

Sending you lots of love and hugs 💕

Wishing you the best. You're doing the right thing by starting to reach out 🌻

@BatSignal I wanted to also leave you a message.
Please call the Samaritan’s, or someone who can help with how you are feeling.

YOU too are important here, and not your DH. If he doesn’t like you contacting the Samaritans, then tough. Your life is precious, and this world needs you in to be well and in it too ❤️

You too, deserve to get help and to live. Please also seek some help too, and as I said to OP, please take things minute by minute until you can seek some help and until you start to see that you are worth it, you are amazing and you are strong.

I don’t know what is causing your suicidal thoughts, but hopefully with help, you can get stronger slowly too 💕

So sorry you are feeling like this. Could you look for an 'easier' job / bank job without responsibility to tide you through while you work on your mental health? Or do you have family you can stay with and just be for a bit. Sorry not sure what other responsibilities you have. One thing for sure is no job is worth your life. You deserve to be happy and if this job is causing so much stress you must walk away and find another plan for yourself. Life doesn't have to follow the expected path, there are so many other options out there.

OP i could have written this. I am here by a thread too. I am crushingly tired and yet also panicky. I am crawling through trying as hard as I can. I have done nothing today except go for a slow walk and being eat. One better than he other obviously. I am trying. That's all I can do. It's very very hard.