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Original poster

6 yo gets physical when nervous

10 replies

mumquestions7 · 04/04/2025 14:52

DS is 6 and when he gets nervous/shy he gets sort of physical, hanging on my arms, pulling straps on a handbag, etc. I want to comfort him but when it happens my reaction (and DH’s) is to pull away. It’s not that he wants to hurt us but it’s like he needs a physical release/support to his stress?

Any suggestions for dealing with this much appreciated.

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 04/04/2025 15:09

I know nothing about small boys being as I am, blessed with daughters, but he’s only six. He’s (presumably) looking for physical reassurance. Put your brain in his headspace and comfort or reassure him however trivial his fear anxiety or fright might be. Talk it through later?

Hopefully in time he’ll grow out if it as he makes sense of the world. You are his parents, his safe place. Try to see what he’s worried about through his eyes.

Is there more to this than you’ve told us?

SnemonyLicket · 04/04/2025 15:46

My ds does this and has done since he was about 4. He’s now 7. If attention is on him, or if something he perceives as negative happens to him or around him, he hangs onto my arm and pulls it, or he tries to bite my hand or arm, or he kind of gets physical and starts hitting or kicking. But all the kicking, hitting and biting is enough for it to be annoying but it’s like he holds back from actually doing it to hurt me. It’s like a display of frustration or embarrassment rather than because he wants to do damage.

Anyway, it was something he did a lot up until 6 months ago but since turning 7 he’s doing it less and less, and learning to express how he’s feeling in words. So I’m hoping over the next few months it will fade out completely. My dd never did anything like this at all but she was also much more articulate than ds so maybe it’s linked to that???

Original poster
mumquestions7 · 04/04/2025 17:23

@PashaMinaMio thanks, yes I do want to support him, it just seems like maybe there’s something else I can be doing? Not sure what you mean about something else going on, noSEN or anything like that…

OP posts:

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Original poster
mumquestions7 · 04/04/2025 17:25

@SnemonyLicket thank you, yes it is quite annoying! I try not to show it but it is irritating if he’s pulling on the sleeve of my jumper or my handbag or my arm. Mine is nearly 6.5 so hopefully he’ll grow out of it soon? Sorry you’re dealt with it too.

OP posts:
SnemonyLicket · 04/04/2025 18:02

I wish I could give you some advice on what to do but I’ve found the more I react to it the more he negatively reacts to my words. So I either ignore it when he does it, or I try to take his mind off it by asking him a question, or pointing something out to him like a bird in the sky. But really I think it’s an age thing and he’ll eventually grow out of it.

itsgettingweird · 04/04/2025 18:05

Acknowledge his feelings but explain a better behaviour.

“I can see you’re worried but stop pulling my arm it hurts. Let’s go over here and talk about how you feel”.

it’s your job to help him manage his emotions effectively but that doesn’t mean letting him hurt you - it’s done to tell him to stop that.

stargazer02 · 04/04/2025 18:11

Is it always on your or your partner? Is he looking verbal feedback?
I'm wondering would a sensory toy help? I'm thinking something that stretches for pressure sensation. Or a stress ball kind of toy?
When I'm stressed I stretch my fingers out really wide and release over and over. or if I have one, stretch out a hair bobble.

Smartiepants79 · 04/04/2025 18:17

What happens if you provide physical contact- hand holding or his arms around your waist but also insist on absolutely no pulling.
Hurting you is not ok whatever is going on. He needs to be shown that there are better ways to get what makes him feel better.
With an NT child I would not be allowing myself to be hurt and I would not be ignoring it. How will he ever learn not to do it?

Original poster
mumquestions7 · 04/04/2025 18:41

Sorry I should clarify that he’s not trying to hurt us, it’s that he pulls on my arm for example and it’s uncomfortable. Like bothersome and annoying, doesn’t feel good but not painful per se? Sorry it’s hard to describe. More like tugging my arm? I do tell him, “that hurts mummy’s arm if you pull on me, are you feeling nervous/scared about (going to the dentist)” or whatever. I try to distract him or offer him a hand to hold (or squeeze, Better than tugging my arm) but it doesn’t work if he’s wound up (for example he’s quite fearful of the dentist).

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 04/04/2025 18:46

I wasn’t meaning he was doing it to deliberately hurt but the fact is that it does hurt. That dragging behaviour is painful and very annoying. He needs to stop. In the dentist for example what if you just sit down and put him on your lap? I was always fairly firm with mine over behaviour that hurt me or others.

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