Adoption/Biological Family Question Contact

[janeeire244]

I was adopted alongside my siblings at a very young age. My brother was 5, my sister was 4 and I was 18 months old.

I have no memories of my biological parents since I was so young but my older siblings do. Since being adopted we have had no contact them with them and I’ve never really cared much about them.

The reason we were adopted was due to my sister being found with a broken leg while apparently having been neglected by my biological parents so it was assumed they either abused her or didn’t care for her.

For some reason, all these years later, since I’ve turned 18 there’s been a sudden impetus to renew contact with these people I’ve never met or known. My adoptive parents throughout my childhood made it taboo to mention adoption and didn’t even tell me I was adopted until I found out myself but now things have changed.

This is largely due to my sister. For some bizarre reason she is so obsessed with seeking contact with our biological parents, mostly because she wants to figure out why she was neglected and had a broken leg. She constantly banged on about wanting to meet them for a year so she went and visited them; though I didn’t. This produced a gateway for my biological parents (strangers to me) to re-enter my life.

Now, she constantly maintains contact with our biological parents - though it’s not in a particularly good way. I can always hear her venting on phone calls to them about why they neglected her and about how hard it is for her to forgive them and about other things like how she wants to meet our younger siblings (since my biological parents had more children after we left) and she phones and texts our younger siblings.

She also persistently brings up being adopted into conversations with me and my adoptive parents and constantly talks about our biological parents which pisses me off because I feel as though these strangers are being imposed onto me all because of her obsession.

I am not obsessed with them - I’m genuinely indifferent (like a lot of adopted children are contrary to the views of those who think all adopted children have strong views about their real parents). But because she’s so obsessed, I feel unsettled with my adoptive parents.

Also, thanks to her my biological parents are seeking contact with me and won’t take no for an answer. Since they know where we live thanks to her telling them, they’ve made numerous visits and asked her for my phone number to be able to text and call me. And what’s worse is my adoptive parents are now getting into it and urging me to make contact with my biological parents because they want to save face with them due to my sister dragging them into the fray. This has meant that my adoptive parents invited my biological parents to our house after my sister banged on about meeting them and they tried coming to my room, banging on it and begging to meet me while I just locked my door and remained there. I’m sure you can understand how unsettling that must be for me but my adoptive parents and biological parents and sister clearly don’t care.

I just fundamentally don’t understand why my sister is so obsessed with them when I’m not? And if she cares so much about them, why should I be affected?

What should I do?

I had someone contact me who I didn't want to hear from.

I wrote them a letter and told them it was harassment and that if they contacted me again I would go to the police.

Now I'm late 50s and live alone so my situation is different to you as you seem to be living in the family home and I assume your sister is also living there.

Decide how much contact you want, and if that is no contact then that is fine.

Talk to your siblings and parents (the ones who adopted you) and state your 'rules', be open to discussion but draw a a line. Maybe say it is fine for your sister to meet them but not in your home if they are going to knock on your door.

My experience of adoption is limited, I have two cousins who were adopted, one has recently (within the last 2-3 years) traced her birth parents. She has half siblings with both of them, her birth mother passed away without telling anyone she had a baby so it was a shock to those siblings, half embrace her, half don't want anything to do with her. Her birth father did not even know her birth mother was pregnant and his children are delighted to have an older sister.

My other experience is with a friend who's first grand daughter was adopted by strangers. I can say children from loving homes are not just grabbed because of one thing, there is usually a whole picture that social services see. My friend was in the absolutely heart breaking situation of finding the bruising on her grand daughter.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Adoption needs to be talked about more from all angles.

Your sister has every right to want contact with her birth parents and her feelings about them are valid. Your language around this is very disparaging, and you don't seem to understand that her feelings can be different from yours and neither of you are wrong.
However it's not ok that they are harassing you or that she is pressuring you to have contact with them. Are you very young? Is there a chance of you moving out and away from your sister at some point soon?

your sister sounds like she is trying to work things out and work through some trauma. She is angry and she has every right to be however she should not be pressuring you into a relationship with your birth family that you do not want or are not ready for.

your parents are also failing to prioritise your needs in all of this, currently contact doesn’t sound positive and this is why it is advisable for it to be done with an intermediate agency involved so that all involved can get the support they need which includes maintaining your boundaries.

your birth family are also failing you. I am a birth mum and as much as one day I really do hope my eldest will want contact I know this has to be his decision and needs to be handled sensitively - banging on doors and constant calls is not sensitively. It needs to be taken baby step by baby step and at a pace that everyone is comfortable with.

my only advice would be to sit down with your parents and discuss your feelings but also acknowledge that your sister has different feelings (and that’s ok) but that your wishes need to be taken into account- she can meet with them but not
in your home for example.

It’s perfectly normal and okay for your sister to want contact with her biological family. It’s also perfectly okay and normal for you not to.

But it sounds like you are all a bit to enmeshed. You overhearing sister’s conversations. Your parents making decisions on your behalf and trying to save face with your biological family. Unless you are 16, it sounds like this is the push you might need to launch into a bit of independence.

Move out, get a room, keep your address private, write one letter making it very explicitly clear that you do not wish to be contacted in any way and that further attempts at contact will result in a police report. I might even go back to whoever handled your adoption to begin with and make a request that they reach out to your biological parents who have contacted you repeatedly against your wishes. You need to but distance and boundaries in place and be very direct about what the consequences will be for not respecting those boundaries.

You have a very different perspective to your sister because you are a different person and also you were a baby, she was not. She may be struggling with hazy memories and not sure what was real. She may have some sort of unexplained stress reaction to some situations and is trying to understand what type of childhood trauma she went through. You say 'these strangers are being imposed onto me all because of her obsession', I think you are belittling her a bit. They are not strangers from her point of view, they are her biological parents and she spent her early years with them. Perhaps it's an obsession but it's not a totally unreasonable one in the circumstances. I think you need to understand that her way of dealing with her adoption is neither wrong nor right, it is HER way and different from yours.

I would say the same thing to her. She is imposing her approach on you and showing no respect for your views. And unfortunately now your adoptive parents have been sucked in they seem to be viewing you guys as a unit and not understanding that you are two individuals who are entitled to be treated differently. I'm curious as to what approach your brother has and how your parents are handling it. My advice would be stick to your guns, you do not owe your birth parents anything and you need to make your feelings known to all involved. A family counselling session would probably be very good for you all, so you and sister and parents can talk it through. I know that's not easy to organise. As PP says, you need to make this very clear to your family and say that if birth parents approach you again in your home or elsewhere you can go to the police. It's a bit extreme but they need to understand you have that choice and power. Ideally you or your sister would move out of home so you can live your lives a little more separate.

I totally get the indifference, I was adopted too and have met my birth mother but it was very half hearted and driven by curiosity. She recently mentioned my half siblings would like to meet me, they only found out recently and I honestly have no interest and now feel guilty although I know I shouldn't. I just can't be bothered but I have stopped telling anyone because everyone says oh if it was me I'd be dying to know etc..I feel like saying well it's not you so F off. It's my adoption and I can handle it anyway I like, as can you OP.

I just want to add to my post above, I am sorry you are being put into this really stressful situation. It's very unfair

X