Boundaries with teens and elderly parents

[Turkeypie]

Teen demands and elderly needs, I’m aware I need to put limits on what I do. In the past I’ve jumped if lifts/shopping/ care is needed, I work from home so it’s expected I’m at home for their convenience.

My work and general well-being suffers. I feel I can’t say no but at what point do I let them take ownership and do things for themselves.

My elderly DP get attendance allowance which would cover a cleaner/cater/taxis, my teens can walk home from school and college. However, I’m the quicker option on speedial. Considering saying I’m going back to the office 2-3 days a week so I won’t get the calls.

Do say no. Tell them in advance that you’ll be really busy with work so no lifts on Monday- Wednesday. And stick to it. Let them get used to that. Then expand to more days.

Did they look after their parents?

My DM didn’t work so had time to check on her parents, however they were in a care home so had care needs met there.

Yes, I definitely need to say no, my DM friend offers to help and take her shopping but she turns it down.

OP, I think you need to hear it bluntly - stop making excuses that you you can’t say no. Why can you not say it?
If you feel you can’t say no, then keep going how you are and you can expect burnout, resentment and possibly issues at work.

Or, step up, be an adult and set some boundaries. Tell these people that you are unavailable starting now on xxx days. You’re being taken for a mug, and are acting like a martyr. You’re the only one who can stop it. Do it! 😊

for shopping could they manage a home delivery? I find it takes very little time to order a delivery, especially if they are asking for the same things week on week.

But no, YANBU to limit your availability for these tasks

Look up FOG- fear, obligation and guilt. And certainly with DM start to manage expectations- this may well be a loooong game. Help her source a cleaner/ regular taxi etc. same with dc. Hold your nerve.

How much help do your parents need? e.g. could do they do an online food shop, take themselves to the shops, or are they reliant on someone taking them?
I'd outsource the easier things like a cleaner and taxis to appointments where possible (unless you feel they someone to be there with them).
You do them an online food shop once a week and tell them they need to provide their shopping list by a certain day & time or it misses the order.
The teens need get themselves to/from school and college because it's during your work hours. Similarly, you need to know their plans e.g. by Thursday evening for the weekend, if they want lifts anywhere and when they'll be in for meals. Any plans made any that and they have to fend for themselves.

And better still, arrange an online shop and the teen has the responsibility to be at their grandparent’s house to put it away. I was shopping (on foot) and cooking for my grandparents regularly from 13!

Your work has to come first otherwise you'll lose your job, or you'll get behind and it will be stressful. I just say no because I am working and then stick to it.

It's only going to get worse if you don't put in boundaries and start saying no now.

They all need to learn a bit more self reliance.

The kids can walk, or wait until you're available.

DM can get shopping delivered - you could help her set it up and show her how to do it but then leave it to her.

They should save asking you for actual emergencies.

I was like you and wondered how I could keep going, then I had a major health crisis and needed surgery and recovery time. Everyone was forced to manage without me and they did.

My children come before parents every time. So will always put them first.

Put boundaries in place with elderly parents. Outsource what you can - we use attendance allowance for companionship and cleaning for FIL. Yes they don't seem to understand that working from home is still unavailable and actually working. Don't answer the phone or state times when you are available.

I’ve started putting in boundaries and saying no. I have siblings that need to step up. Also, my parents never did it for their parents so I feel no guilt. Decide what you are happy to do and say no when you are not happy to do it.

As far as the teenagers are concerned, it will actually do them a lot of good if they learn how to cope when people say no to them, and if they learn that they cannot always come first in your priorities. You also should model treating old people well, if you want the teens to treat you well when you get old.

There’s a lot of us in this sandwich generation op
i feel you

ive spent the last three years putting boundaries in only to go back on what I set and then before I know it I’m back to square one again.

two of my dc can drive and do so that helps and to be fair they are pretty good but at different times need me for different types of help one in particular right now is going through some big adult life changes they’ve not encountered before so need my support and help a lot so that comes first.

I’ve started putting my foot down with my dp again though and this last week got quite arsey with my dm as she’s pushing boundaries again and absolves all responsibility for everything once she’s told me about it.

I had to firmly tell her to sort her own stuff out that she’s more than capable of and remind her my grandparents went into a home when they could no longer cope at home so I don’t feel any guilt at all about not being prepared to do any physical care.

when they get to a stage they can’t go shopping anymore il help them to do an online shop once a week and a top up if needed but I won’t be spending hours physically doing their shopping when I run my own business and work more than full time in it and have a house and family of my own.

I’ve recently made my mum outsource some things she keeps asking us to do that we don’t do of our own as we don’t have time.

you need to be strong again and set the boundaries op

Do the teens visit your parents at all? Mine each spend an evening with ours and help to cook the evening meal. It has been a win win as they have learned to cook under grandparents supervision and everyone gets a decent meal. They would also obviously pick up milk/bread from the local shop if asked but ours arrange home deliveries.
You need to decide what the new rules are and then sit everyone down and lay it out. Maybe you don’t mind shopping on a certain day but won’t just drop everything because they haven’t planned. Maybe if it’s awful weather you will collect the teens but you expect them to walk most days.
It sounds like everyone is expecting too much from you. When the shit hits the fan and someone actually gets ill you need to have plenty in the tank. At the moment you are doing things for them they should be able to manage without.

Lots of good tips and yes I definitely need to be more assertive. I thought of online shop but DM likes to look and see what she fancies in the supermarket. I do wonder how the would manage if I worked in a shop or office, they’d just have to get on with it

Say you have been told to be in the office 2-3 days per week, it’s quite nice to be in the physical presence of grownups whose only demands are work related.It sounds like you have difficulty saying no, so being unavailable will help the teens and oldies to find their own solutions.