Cannot seem to cope with virtual work meetings - autism?

[archnie]

I've always been shy, and I have several autistic relatives. I have gone back and forth a lot on whether I think I'm 'just' shy/socially anxious or if I'm autistic who heavily masks. One thing I really struggle with is online work meetings on Microsoft Teams/Zoom. I struggle with real-life meetings but find them easier, but online meetings are something I struggle with.

I've been working remotely for 5 years now so should be used to them, yet I still feel so self-conscious being on camera that I sit frozen in place, nodding and smiling. I can't multi-task during meetings, I hate having to share my screen and demonstrate something as it takes my attention away from being able to monitor myself. I find even a 20 minute 1:1 meeting with my manager completing draining. I also find myself reusing stock phrases like 'sounds good' and 'ok, will do', like I turn into a robot unable to actually access my thoughts. I can't seem to develop relationships with my colleagues, it's all very surface-level. I'm very aware of the hierarchy and 'roles' and can't break away from it and just relax.

It really is quite extreme and I can't seem to relax out of it. I am a lot better on the very rare occasion when I can have my camera off, but that is once in a blue moon as we're a very camera-on company.

Does anyone else struggle like this? Does it sound like it could be more than just shyness?

I have this a bit. I find turning off my view of my camera helps a bit (so I can’t see myself).
I hope some other people have some suggestions though.

I hate Zoom too. As far as I know, I am not autistic.
Lots of people hate Zoom.

It sounds very normal rather than being autistic.

I turn off my camera, so much easier

That’s awful for the other person though.

I find online much easier than in person.

one thing that helps me is that if no one is displaying anything I need to see, I just minimize the screen. Everyone’s pictures including my own get very small.

if I am sharing my screen, I will often just turn off my camera. I turn it back on when I am done. I use two screens and the camera is on the screen I’m not sharing from so they would be looking at the side of my head anyway.

if people ask me to multi-task and do something mid-meeting I often decline if it is not simple. My job is highly technical and complex. It requires focus. I would kick them out of my office if we were in-person so I have no problem telling them they have to wait until after the meeting when we are online. If it’s urgent, I tell them I will drop off and come back when I am done.

basically, I don’t take crap anymore. I hit 40 and that helped. Then my company did a big initiative about respecting the work styles of neurodivergent staff. Since then many of us have been more vocal about standing up for ourselves.

I work in quasi-academia. A large portion of the staff is ND so it’s not really a big deal to be transparent. I can understand it might be harder at a company that doesn’t tend to draw so many ND employees.

Change your settings to hide your display. It means your camera can stay on and others in the meeting can see you but you don't need to look at yourself. It's like a normal conversation.

I work on Zoom for between 4 & 7 hours a day, so I've got used to it. At first, I hated it, but the aversion therapy of it has worked.

I really can't bear an audio phone call though. I actively put off calling for things because I hate it so much. I know it's pathetic, but... I've had this issue for about 20 years.

Turn off self view so you don’t see the distracting image of yourself in the corner. That can induce social anxiety which could cause all the things you describe.

I don’t see why. It’s then no different to a phone call. They aren’t obligated to keep their camera on.

I have my 1 to 1s with my manager as a phone call. This is supposedly so we can both walk while we talk as a way to break the monotony of sitting and staring at a screen, I suspect it's because she's doing something like folding laundry while we chat! Could you suggest something similar for your 1 to meetings?

It’s hard to work that out on the spot though.

I guess it depends on company culture. Ours is very much keep your camera on, otherwise it’s a phone call. So you join the 1/100 call that the person has their camera off, you wait for the image to appear and by the time it’s clear it isn’t coming it’s kind of awkward to say ‘oh I’ll turn mine off’, it seems rude to make a big deal that they have theirs off. So I sit there not knowing where to look.

Very much the norm if you have your camera on. I hate having my camera on. It's not a requirement in my work, so no one does. I have to turn my camera on once a month when in a call with my manager to do a "clean desk audit". My camera is only on for about 1 minute and it feels so intrusive! I think it's because home is our space. We would very rarely invite colleagues to our homes so turning on your camera feels like an invasion of privacy.

I just never have mine on in the first place.

In my company you do whatever suits you - unless you are perhaps being introduced to someone new. Then it would probably by politely asked for.

What fresh hell is this??
I work on a cameras on culture but I have a corporate background, there is no way I'm showing people my house! Even though a few colleagues have been to it!
It looks a bit odd if there are 6 of us in a meet with the same background but it beats having a nosy, I'd have a monologue - ooh, Jane's working from her girlfriend's today, Bob's in the kitchen not the spare room like usual, what is that on Dave's bookshelf, Mein Kamf, really...!
I'm easily distracted but like to see their beautiful faces and not their interesting houses, so the backgrounds work for me!

Yeah we have logo’d backgrounds or blur on.

I agree. I’d suggest we hang up and do a phone call!