My whole life I have found that in many social situations, I have felt like I don't fit in and I know some of the time it is my own feelings of awkwardness and self-consciousness making me overthink it. But I came away from an informal work meeting feeling really down today because I really just felt like a lesser member of the group. There were four of us, all women, and we all work remotely and don't meet up in person much.
One of the other women I feel closest to in the group and I have often sought out her support and friendship through the course of work and we felt reasonably close. She also contacts me but probably asks for help less as she is more confident in herself. I noticed that, in the group of four, she was not seeking eye contact with me at all and addressing everything to the other two people there. When I first arrived it was just her and another colleague and I felt they were so much more interested in hearing what the other one had to say and they would make the briefest eye contact with me out of politeness and then go back to talking mainly to each other.
Then the fourth colleague came and she was the only one who was really including me. I know I wasn't just being hyper-sensitive, I was being objective because I was aware that one person was making eye contact and really interested in what I thought about what she was saying and hearing my response. I think I felt most hurt by the one who I considered my "friend" at work, but as soon as other people were there, she just excluded me. Guess I was wondering if she looks down on me because I lack confidence in myself sometimes and I am open about it and maybe I shouldn't be.
And this type of scenario is a pattern tbh in my life, often feeling like I may as well not be there.
It's exhausting and makes me sad, wondering whether anyone has any similar experiences or insights? Thanks!