Help me explain to my husband I don’t have PND..

[Armadillo00]

I will start with that I have taken anti depressants in the past, I was taking the tablets throughout my first pregnancy until DD was about a year old, but I have felt ok since.

Anyway, more about my life- I have 2 DDs, 4 years and 4 months. We have just moved house which was very stressful and made DH and I a bit snappy at each other but we are in and pretty much unpacked so that’s positive. DH works Monday-Friday, DD4 is in nursery Monday-Thursday. I sort all dinners, shopping, pack lunches, life admin do all the cleaning etc. DH puts DD4 to bed each night.

Yesterday afternoon, after a nice morning in town all together, DH goes down the pub. He’s there about an hour. Older DD being loud and shouting the house down as kids are, Baby DD being so fussy and a switch went off inside me. I just got so overwhelmed and frustrated with the noise and stress of everything, I left DD4 watching TV downstairs (was quite happy) and went upstairs, tried to feed the baby to sleep and just couldn’t stop crying, breathing was all over the place, I just had a complete melt down. This probably went on about 15 mins before I called DH.

I knew if I’d told DH I felt rubbish once he was home he would have done the whole ‘oh you should have called me and I would have come straight home’, so I did call him away from the pub, I was crying, told him I felt rubbish and couldn’t stop crying. He gets back, gives me a limp cuddle from behind as I’m still feeding baby DD at this point and all he says is ‘I think you need to go back in the meds again’. Not one of the many things I could need in that moment like ‘I’ll run you a bath’, ‘I’ll take the baby’, ‘I’ll make dinner’… just immediately, your upset so you must need the pills again.

I don’t think I need to run back to the doctors, it’s something I will certainly keep an eye on, but I feel like the causes was many things and it was just a volcano that finally erupted with emotion. 4 months of lack of sleep, stress of moving house, the stress that being a mum can be and just a general sense of overwhelm in that moment. I do feel a bit shit this morning, but I think that’s more because it’s all on my mind.

I am happy to hear what other people may think, I did just really need to vent more than anything though I think.

This has been me on a few occasions, husband out at the pub and the absolute carnage that can be caused at dinner time with a 9 month old and almost 3 year old is a lot! Actually I had a meltdown just last week, full on sobbing can’t speak or catch my breath. And yes I feel like the absolute worst mum in that moment because I feel like I can’t cope but it’s because I’m soooo overwhelmed with two screaming and crying children. But that doesn’t mean that I should go back on meds and that’s the same for you too. It really wasn’t helpful for your partner to say that. He should have been helpful in the moment to allow you to go to the bedroom to take a breather. I have also gone out for a drive, to clear my head and get a coffee. Is that something you could do? Or just go out for a walk? I do think communicating helps massively so will text DH to say I’ve had a bad day and I’m going out for a bit when he gets home

Oh there were so many moments I had like this when I had two small ones! Sheer frustration and exhaustion. I have never had any form of depression. Totally normal to get overwhelmed. Hope you are feeling better and Mother’s Day is good for you.

Moving home, a new baby and starting the day with a nice morning and then being overwhelmed in the afternoon by yourself is a lot. You don't need PND to have a cry!

Yep been there. It’s so easy for them to say you’re mentally unwell and need medication rather than them actually stepping up.

This - a stressful time and he just left to go down the pub?

I feel like he came home after being out for an hour to a wife who is so upset and overwhelmed that she’s crying, unable to breathe properly and having a meltdown - suggesting that perhaps she’s feeling depressed and might want to seek the treatment she’s had before isn’t the most ridiculous thing to do, I’d probably be concerned about my husband too and maybe suggest that he might want to look for some external help too.

You’re totally valid to say that you actually feel okay, just want to monitor the situation and will keep an eye on it - but he wasn’t being unreasonable for suggesting it in the first place. If you had zero history then it would have been a rude thing to say, but if you were on meds previously especially in the post natal time then it’s not a crazy suggestion out of no where from him, he might be able to see how much better you were coping in the past when you were on the meds.

I still get enraged about the time I had a meltdown in the early months with DD1 and DH told me in all earnestness and seriousness that we would have to think very seriously about whether we could have another baby because I wasn’t coping and possibly had PND I did not have PND, I was having a perfectly normal reaction to a very difficult day with a baby who had CMPA!

Sorry this happened OP. I think men just don’t get the burden.

We did have another baby btw!

This is such a common male response - to solution-ise in such a way that it creates MORE for YOU to do and puts you off asking for help if this is the response you get.

Try to find a calmish time today to explain to DH that the demands of small children are a joint issue, not one for you to have to deal with alone. Tell him very clearly what would have been helpful ie take the baby, run you a bath, take oldest out for a bit to give you a bit of headspace and say that is what you need if you feel like that again.

Also, if he seriously thinks you might have PND, his role is to step up more not less.