Why is lying such a trigger for me and why do people feel the need to lie to me?

[Gelatibon]

Fairly recently acquired DP told a small lie. Or at least I'm coming round to the view that it was a small lie. When I discovered it, it was like the world had ended. This man who I thought I could trust had shown me I couldn't. For me it doesn't matter what the lie is about, it's still a lie.

Basically he'd arranged something lovely for us to do and because of an unexpected work thing, he now needs to leave a couple of hours earlier than planned. He's SE and needs to take the work when he gets offered it. I get that.

Rather than telling me about the work he told me the thing was ending earlier than originally thought, and when I checked, which was very easy to do, tried to claim he must have been mistaken, which by this point was such a blatant lie he had to admit the truth.

He lied because he knew I'd be disappointed, which I would, but I'd also understand and get over my disappointment to make the most of it and have a lovely time.

So, I wonder how big a deal a lie like this is, it feels big because how do I know what else he lies about. Also what it is about me that means people feel they need to lie to me about things like this. My sons do it too, small lies to avoid my disappointment, when actually the lying disappoints/upsets me far more.

Probably because you don’t ‘get’ that there’s a difference between malicious / deceitful lies, and trying to protect someone’s happiness.

I also wonder how you react to some situations, and whether that encourages a feeling of needing to mask things from you. If your expected is response is ‘oh, that’s a shame, never mind, let’s really enjoy the rest of it’ vs ‘of it’s a disaster, it’s a shame your work always gets in the way, I’m really disappointed’ then people will try and avoid that situation occurring.

Combine the two and you get a situation where there’s good intent, but you feel it as traitorous deceit.

But if you're overreacting about every single small white lies, I can see why they'd fear your reaction about everything else too.

I definitely show my disappointment, but I'm pretty good at letting things go after initially being upset.

I don't let go of the lying well.

I don't know about your sons, but I would tread very warily with the new DP. In general, you can be pretty sure that what people do they have done before and will do again. I may be cynical, but do you know for sure that he has to leave early for work? And even if he is SE, did the job have to be done at that particular time? What would it be like to be involved with someone who is constantly breaking plans?

If lots of people feel the need to tell you white lies, you need to consider why that is?

He planned something lovely for them to do but can't stay the whole time, you take that as constantly breaking plans? Hard work springs to mind.

Yes, which is what I am doing...?

Not at all. If he is SE, and jobs come up, they will come up again. And again. And there will always be the justification that he needs the work.

You took constantly quite literally, didn't you.

It's a massive red flag. Easily drawn to lying, not good at taking responsibility, when caught lying, tries to lie and obfuscate further. These are narcitraitd. I'd be done. He will just keep doing this and honesty is clearly a really important value for you. If you're not sure, step back for a while and take some time out to think. Maybe tell him you're going on a yoga retreat for a few weeks and see how he likes it when the boot is on the other foot.

Great, and what is your theory?

He doesn't constantly break plans and he did try to move the work later in the day, he's shown me the emails (I didn't ask, in fact didn't want to see them)

He didn't immediately take responsibility in that his initial response was to claim he must have been mistaken, but he has since apologised proffusely and admitted it was a stupid thing to do. He keeps telling me it was a one off and not how he usually behaves, but of course that's what a liar would say.

This would strike me. If multiple, otherwise good/nice people are constantly telling you 'white' lies, I'd be assuming that your reactions to things not going your way are disproportionate.

I don't know, that's the precise purpose of the post.

I'm like this too, not really sure why either. But even if it's a small lie i feel utterly betrayed (which seems very dramatic) but i think it's because i don't lie. Even if it upsets someone i always think the truth is best and also lies get found out so you have the original upset plus the added upset of a lie so it's worse than just telling the truth in the first place!

I got severely punished over a white lie when I was 8yo. I didn't want to play recorder in assembly so I told teacher I'd forgotten it and another child spotted in my bag. Teacher ranted at me in class (I was a very well behaved quiet child, who didn't want to stand up in front of the school) and called my parents in who also punished me for lying.

I haven't been able to tell any kind of lie since and feel devastated when others do it to me.

But we can't possibly know anything about you and your reactions/behaviours? Why don't you ask someone who knows you?

doesnt sound like your new DP lied to you to cover up deceit, it seems like he lied because of the way he knew you were likely to react. do you overeact a lot?

does he tell a lot of little white lies? there are 2 separate issues here don't you think?

i have a massive issue with lying, and people telling lies.. i can smell a lie a mile away, and its because of previous relationship trauma!

but as we all know there are levels of lies. The white lie, is ok.. telling someone you are ill when really you just can't be arsed getting out of you PJ's to go out, that sort of thing. telling someone you went out with X,Y and Z when you did in fact only go out with 'jennifer' is not acceptable.

I don't like lying. And I can't remember any childhood trauma that prompts this. I just hate it. I like to think that any close relationship is able to tell me the truth rather than even need to white lie.

So because of what happened to you when you were 8 years old, your kids haven't been able to enjoy the thought of Santa coming on Christmas Eve or a visit from the tooth fairy?

Bit harsh.

Flip it round.

They may not let go of the impact of the disappointment you express. Even if they know you do.

At which point if it’s a no harm thing, it would seem that can save everyone a whole load of hassle by skipping it in the first place.

There’s no going back from this. In my experience, people who choose to lie will never accept that lying is worse than a complicated truth.

they will always miss the point and assume they were right to lie because now you’re mad at them which is why they lied, rather than accepting that the lying is why you are mad

This is spot on!