Appropriate consequence

[Enderwhere]

DS is 11 and this week I've started letting him go out by himself over to the park/skate park and to a friends house
he has ASD and ADHD and we live basically in a town centre that's why he hasn't been allowed before now.
it was all going well until yesterday he was supposed to be at friends house but turned his phone off and wasn't back by the time he was supposed to be, I couldn't call him or see where he was on life 360 because his phone was off. I had to go and find him and he wasn't at friends house but was on the way back to there they'd been to see a new shop that opened in an area ds knew I would say no to him going.
i might have over reacted because I did really shout at him I was scared he'd got murdered or something.

what would you do? Ban him from going to friends houses for a while? (Don't want to do this ideally as ds goes to a sen school and this boy goes to the same school and I do want to encourage him to be social and see his friends not just be at home on Xbox)
ban him from going anywhere?
one more chance on the basis that if he turns his phone off again whilst he's out then he won't be able to go out by himself for a while?

his friends is older than him (14) and I think ds doesn't grasp that as he is still only 11 he can't go everywhere his friends can yet

I think he's being set up to fail by being allowed to socialize with a child much older than him, especially with additional needs in the mix. I do understand what you're saying about wanting him to be social though.

I'm not sure what the consequences should be. Maybe talk to him about why he lied and explain why you were worried about him.

You have not overreacted and need to nip this in the bud NOW.

Ground him, take away his phone. You're being too soft.

You need to have more trust and honesty. He turned his phone off because he knew you would kick off about the new shop. Try saying to him that it is ok to be places with friends but he has to tell you where he is so you know he is safe. Then he won’t have to sneak around.

This, my child is allowed freedom until they do something wrong and I do track them with technology nor get hysterical at them it won't do anyone any good

And I can't see how coming up with a punishment does any good other than giving you a false sense of ticking a box and feeling 'better' won't help him though

I wouldn't have let him gone to the new shop no, because it's too far for him to go on his own so he turned it off because I would have said no. (Too far away, rough area, there's also a road rail crossing there and ds is impulsive and prone to mess about!) I can't just let him do whatever he wants at 11 surely?

I do get this it's hard because there's not many children at his school so all ages do mix and socialise together at school and most of them aren't from this same town so there's not loads of options for friends locally really.
maybe I will say to him he can have his friend come over here and can see him at the park but not go off to his house just yet

I always said I wouldn't use any tracking apps but tbh balancing age where kids want freedom either special needs can be trickier than I thought and I just don't think it's safe for me not to know where he is just yet.
DS is also a kid that absolutely will push the boundaries which I understand is normal but also it's my job to make sure he's safe

You allowed him to do what you agreed to because you trusted him, he has broken that trust so the consequence is he can no longer be trusted to go to this friends for now or to the park.
SN aside there is usually a LOT of difference between 11 and 14 and its going to be hard for your child to socialise with this boy outside school

Perhaps STOP saying no. Taking a train to another city - perhaps a bit much. But he wants to go to a shop, accompanied by a mate. If you clap him in irons, he is going to rebel, and he is doing so now. Pick your battles.

Oh I'd be fuming at that. Not so much that he went, but that he turned his phone off so you couldn't find him. I'd be grounding him and accompanying him to the park for the next couple of months. Friends over but no visiting.

oh come on - there's one thing them wanting to go into the local newsagents and buying crisps and cola with your mates, then there's going far away to somewhere you're not allowed, turning off your phone and going into a vape shop or off-license.

The shop wasn't close it was far away, I allow him to go into town etc but not to a different area completely when he's only been allowed to be out by himself for one week?
It also would have been different had he been back in time but he wasn't, and his phone was off and it was dark by the time I'd found him. I don't think not letting my 11 year old autistic kid to roam about in the dark is clapping him in irons??

Yeah that's what I'm most annoyed about, turning his phone off because he knew he was doing something he wasn't allowed to do!

So when DS came home from school today he told me his friend was stealing from the shops when they went.
i feel really stupid because I didn't even consider that's what they'd be doing

I wouldn't be giving a child without SEN that much freedom at 11, let alone one with.

It's so hard with the Friend situation with With children with SEN, there really is often few opportunities to make friends. However, I think this 14 year-old is going to cause you know end of problems with your DS and I'm sorry to say but I'd put as much distance between them as possible.

Oh good, someone with sense!