Tell me about your shy child?

[mumquestions7]

And how did they make it through school?

A bit long but: DS is 6, love him to bits of course. He’s always been a bit shy but made friends easily. We moved abroad and he was bullied (last year, at age 5) and he’s just lost himself. He’s regressed massively, acts like a baby, has had behaviour problems in school (snatching and occasionally hitting other children), and is quite afraid of other children. (I recognise he also had the massive move of course which can contribute).

The school have suggested that he be assessed for ASD or ADHD, and that the bullying is his own fault. (I don’t think so and think this is a bizarre aspect of the culture here, an idea that boys should defend themselves and toughen up is mad to me?!) We did have two intakes with psychologists who didn’t want to assess him as they didn’t see any signs of ADJD/ASD.

We removed him from the school and will start elsewhere once we’ve found a suitable placement but I’m worried I’ve lost my little boy. He hasn’t got any friends here, he does have a younger sister (3) he adores, and he’s quite clever, but I’m quite worried about him socially. Anyone else been here? My heart is broken for my wee lad and I don’t know how to help him.

With your love and support he is going to be okay.

Is there one activity a week that he might be up for doing where he is likely to make a friend? It sounds as if he could come into his own without the school pressure.... and that he has temporarily lost his confidence, and has a good base to build on as it re emerges.

And hanging out with you and his sister, will be deeply reassuring given all the change.

Best thing for my nearly 5yo’s confidence has been squirrels (youngest version of scouts) - maybe they have something like that where you are?

The things I was going to say about having a quiet and shy child don’t seem relevant, it is clear your sons issues are much bigger than him just being ‘shy’

the snatching and hitting other children is a problem, and not going to help him make friends and gain confidence. It also isn’t typical behaviour of a ‘shy’ child and probably what the teachers were referring to when they suggested bullying was partly his fault.

my shy dsd was removed from school at the same age as she was struggling with bullying and anxiety. We found her dance lessons which she loved and really helped her gain confidence and social skills to make friends so agree with pp about finding him an activity he enjoys. DSD went back to school at 9 and is doing great now, still shy but has some lovely friends and more confidence.

Bullying is NEVER the victim's fault, so I am glad to see that you pulled him out of that school! Is HE an option, or are there other local schools that he might be able to attend in due course? You might want to try de-schooling first, to give him a break and to give him the security of his family and new home in another country.

School is often hell for the socially awkward children, and boring for some of the brightest ones. Sometimes, boredom can cause behavioural issues in schools.

Are there any social activities, like Scouts, the Boys' Brigade, Woodcraft Folk, etc. in your area? That way, he could socialise and still build his confidence while doing more structured activities.

My now adult foster son is very shy probably because of his shitty early life. I've watched him over the years never push himself forward and always allow other louder DC put him at the back of the queue for things. He never stands up for himself. He bends over backwards to fit in with others but has a very quiet personality. He's a bit more outgoing with friends he's known for years and in smaller groups. He's going to uni in September and I desperately want him to fit in.

Most important is does he speak the language? If not, look for groups geared towards that, there might well be language immersion playgroups for pre-school children.

Find an activity for him to do, sports club etc so he has an out of school group of friends.

@dontyousay thank you, yes I agree that hitting and snatching aren’t alright! However he never did these things before he was bullied. What would you say it might be? Just cheekiness or permissive parenting? He is generally quite sweet and protective of DD but they do have quarrels, he is sometimes cross she’s picked up something of his and he snatches it away from her, or holds her arm and snatches it. Does that seem inappropriate for his age?

When we spoke with two paediatric psychologists, they said they saw no sign of ADHD, ASD, or any other reason to evaluate him, only to get him support for the bullying. (He was often pushed, shoved, hit, kicked by another boy, told he was small and dumb and a baby. He is the youngest in his class and the other boy was the biggest and oldest and had been held back a year. He would tell my DS he was his friend and then do something cruel to him). But if we are missing something I want to know so we can support him and make plans for the next school.

@dontyousay also, do you mean your DD was removed from school from age 6-9? Mind my asking how you managed during those years?

He was unfortunate to be in a new school with a nasty bully the teachers did nothing about

hopefully in a new school it’ll go back to normal

@TheeNotoriousPIG thank you, yes he’s quite clever and add that to the social clumsiness plus being the youngest in his class and it just feels like a recipe for disaster. My heart is really aching for him. He had such a lovely group of friends in the UK before we moved and we never imagined this would happen.

He does speak the language (been speaking since birth with family) so that helps though I do think it’s been a shock having the language switch from being something spoken with family or adults to being the dominant language of his life.

He did a trial of a scouting sort of programme here but he was not keen, he’s become so scared of other children he didn’t want us to leave. He never had this before and was quite brave before this stated.

Is there an activity you can do as a family which is likely to lead to him meeting other kids his own age and potentially joining a children’s section of that activity? Climbing? Watersports? Personally I would take the pressure off for a bit. He’s only young. Lots of fun days out for a while with yourself and his sister, giving him the chance to mix with children in more natural environments with you there as support and guidance when needed.