Trying to make friends but struggling — they don’t seem to like me

[QueenTut]

I’ve been living in London for 6 years. I initially had some fairly good friends through work, but they’ve all left London now. I’ve also had some major health problems and have had to stop work, so I haven’t met any new people.

I’ve been feeling very isolated, so I’ve been actively trying to make new friends. On 2 occasions I have met women who I thought I got on really well with, but apparently the feeling was not mutual.

My DD was at a new school and made a friend so the mum asked us over for a play date (me included). We were there for a few hours. I thought we got on well but despite some talk of her inviting us along to a specific event, I never heard from her again, even though our children are still friends. If I see her on the school run (which is rare), she is polite, but not overly friendly.

I met another woman through an app. She literally lives two buildings down from me. We met up for coffee and I had a great time. We had loads of things in common and I thought the conversation flowed well. However, after the fact, I messaged her through the app with my number and it took her a few days to reply and never heard back. I thought she may just be busy so a couple of months later I just reached out to say hi and I got a very polite, though short, response and nothing ever again. I’ve seen her out in passing a few times and she’s just looked right through me. I’ve always been in a hurry so haven’t stopped to say hi, but I don’t know if she’s not recognised me (I did get a haircut) or if she’s just purposely avoiding me.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s hard to put myself out there like this (I am a shy person) but I’ve never had trouble making friends in the past.

While I mentioned in this post that I have medical issues, I didn’t bring this up to either person, so it’s not like I was droning on about that or anything. They probably just assumed I was a SAHM.

Because I am so isolated and don’t talk to people outside my husband and children often, I do find that it’s easy for me to talk too much but I felt like I was really trying my best in both instances to make sure I wasn’t dominating the conversation.

Can anyone give me any hope or pointers? Honestly it’s really hurt my self-confidence.

I felt like that for a long while but things have changed now.

You just have to bump into the right person.

I have a really great friendship with one person who I met in a park

Hope things get better for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

This is a sample size of .two, OP. Making friends is a numbers game. If you’d been on two dates, would you claim you’d exhausted dating, and no one fancied you?

(And either the first woman, if she hosted you and your child for a play date, surely the onus is then on you to reciprocate or suggest an outing?)

In my experience, when making friends at first it's pretty one-sided (unless you meet someone you really really click with) and one person does much of the leg work to begin with.

Do you use MeetUp?

Yeah I thought this, she maybe thought you were rude to not invite her to yours as it would be your turn?

I was going to say the same as pps.

You need to join things and chat with people in a 'friendly' way. Lots of people. It is quite unusual to 'click' straight away with someone. Most friendships evolve over time.

But also, there is a LOT of pressure on any new potential friend, if that is your only friend.

Join some things.
Some through your dc - PTA, or whatever hobbies she does.
Join something you would enjoy doing.
Start volunteering somewhere.
Meet lots of people, and a small number of those acquaintances will become friends in time.

Could be anything. I was friends with a woman I met at meditation class. She was local which was nice and we went out for coffee a few times and talked on the phone.

She said that women were to blame for getting raped and they shouldn't have gone to Trump or Harvey Weinstein's room. I never called her again and she might be very confused wondering what she's done.

This is a bit of an extreme example but we can go off people instantly for anything at any time. Maybe she doesn't think she's got anything in common with you or you have very different political beliefs or she misinterpreted something you said.

You need to keep trying until you find people you click with. Try meetup.com, taking courses, a team sport, parkrun, film or book club, volunteer or campaign for a cause you're passionate about.

Making new friends is hard but I'm sure if you keep trying, you'll meet people.

Why didn’t you reciprocate the play date? That’s a good way to start making friends.

Thanks for the responses!

As for reciprocating the play date, I have actually invited them to come over and/or do things a couple of times but they weren’t available. I could try again!

Keep going at school. There’s a pool of people there that you have access to and some of them will be your friends.
Is there ever a class drinks/night out? Maybe suggest one? Do you drop off at parties, maybe next time find the hosting parent and offer to stay and help (and then actually help and be useful). Try and find out about the PTA, even if you think it’s not for you just volunteer, help out at events and do the stuff like the clearing up when everyone else fucks off and there’s normally a couple who stay and do that and I have always found them to be a laugh. Religion? There’s often a group of people in any given religious space who want to be friends.
But I would be super present at school and do everything there and you will find other women that way. Just be relentlessly at that school helping out with evert single thing.