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Original poster

Mothers asking about plans for Mother’s Day - rude?

23 replies

Iamstumblingin · 26/03/2025 07:07

I have read a lot of threads about clash of expectations about being looked after / celebrated on this day between Mums and their DMs and MILs. This is understandable.

But what surprise me is Mothers asking their adult children weeks ahead what has been planned for them? I find this rude and presumptuous. Women in my family all get acknowledged with a card, flowers and a small gift, but there is never pressure felt or imposed to do more.

It would bring out very unpleasant feelings if I felt pressure to thank DM rather than actual express true gratitude.

Would you find it rude too?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 26/03/2025 07:10

I'd just find it odd rather than rude. MD has never involved plans for me. It's cards, a bunch of daffs from church, job done.

DH has suggested we go for lunch with MIL this year (she's local, my mum is hours away) but it won't be anywhere that requires booking so only a vague plan.

pearbottomjeans · 26/03/2025 07:12

I think it is a sign of an insecure relationship probably. Like someone going ‘do you love me, do you love me, do you love me?’ So I wouldn’t find it rude necessarily but I’d think about that.

I just send my mum a card (non-gushing as she’d cringe) and a flower delivery. Personally, I do wish she was more demonstrative (and therefore I would be back) but apparently I’m just meant to ‘know’ she loves me, even though she’s never said it. So I guess I have an insecure attachment too.

if my own mum was asking our Mother’s Day plans together, in our own circumstances, I’d say ‘well, we’re not coming to see you, too far for a weekend, as you know! We’re actually celebrating DD’s bday that day.’

Complex! We all know mother daughter relationships aren’t black and white.

Buttonknot · 26/03/2025 07:13

All families are different. Mine is like yours OP, but I don't think that makes other families rude - it just means they have different traditions or expectations.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Events & celebrations
legsekeven · 26/03/2025 07:14

I agree I think it causes unnecessary stress and upset for lots of people. I know the issues are normally deeper but still. The amount of people who will be posting here on Sunday with, dh didn’t bother, my teens didn’t bother, why do we have to visit mil, why am I cooking on Mother’s Day and so on.

it’s a shame as Mother’s Day is a nice idea and I know it’s an old tradition but it only seems to cause heartache now

GLC789 · 26/03/2025 07:14

pearbottomjeans · 26/03/2025 07:12

I think it is a sign of an insecure relationship probably. Like someone going ‘do you love me, do you love me, do you love me?’ So I wouldn’t find it rude necessarily but I’d think about that.

I just send my mum a card (non-gushing as she’d cringe) and a flower delivery. Personally, I do wish she was more demonstrative (and therefore I would be back) but apparently I’m just meant to ‘know’ she loves me, even though she’s never said it. So I guess I have an insecure attachment too.

if my own mum was asking our Mother’s Day plans together, in our own circumstances, I’d say ‘well, we’re not coming to see you, too far for a weekend, as you know! We’re actually celebrating DD’s bday that day.’

Complex! We all know mother daughter relationships aren’t black and white.

Edited

Same!! Literally identical situation here

ShriekingTrespasser · 26/03/2025 07:15

@pearbottomjeansI think this too. It’s also those who like the way this appears to others, whether on social media or to others they can show off to.

Flyboyblue · 26/03/2025 07:15

I don't think having a conversation with your own children about plans is rude. Especially if you always do something together on Mothers Day.

Straightomyhead · 26/03/2025 07:16

ive asked my partner to book us at one of our favourite pubs again this year but it’s more about spending time with him and my little boy (15 months so only my second Mother’s Day).

I would be more than happy with a nice walk and cuppa but most places you have to book on Mother’s Day as they are super busy

Lovelysummerdays · 26/03/2025 07:21

I don’t think it’s rude especially if you have multiple dc, I’d assume it’s good to know if x is doing their own thing so you can make plans with y or whatever. Or make your own plans for the day. I think the thing that’d cause the most hurt feelings is waiting politely and hoping.

Im a natural pessimist though my assumption is that no one acknowledges my birthday or Mother’s Day that way I’m never disappointed but pleasantly surprised.

RedHelenB · 26/03/2025 07:24

Flyboyblue · 26/03/2025 07:15

I don't think having a conversation with your own children about plans is rude. Especially if you always do something together on Mothers Day.

This. My dc have always made me feel appreciated on mothers day, and when they're parents would expect the same from their dc no doubt.

Crunchymum · 26/03/2025 07:30

When my mum was alive, I'd get her the stuff she liked from Body Shop (she could only wear thier mascara and liked a certain cream), a bunch of flowers and a card. Sometimes I'd even drop it in the day before and not see her on the actual day depending on schedules

No fuss, no stress, no expectation. Although she was easy going, kind hearted and really appreciated the simple things which always made it so much easier. Miss her so much 😢

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/03/2025 09:07

Goodness, no, as the DM of adult dds I’d never ask! One dd has already arranged something, the other is working absolutely flat out at the moment, so has v likely forgotten. And if she doesn’t remember nearer the day (TBH unlikely since there are primary age dcs) she will be mortified, but I still could never bring myself to mention it. And I certainly wouldn’t be upset.

Madre123 · 26/03/2025 09:12

Both our mums have passed....my daughters are both mums themselves.....my husband always books somewhere special for a meal for us both and our son. I have never had any expectations....x

skippy67 · 26/03/2025 09:17

My DC messaged me a couple of weeks ago, asking me to keep MD free. So rude...🙄🙄😅

2chocolateoranges · 26/03/2025 09:19

My mum and mil (when she was alive) used to always tell us to spend the day with the children and there was no need to visit them. We still did. Coffee and cake usually.

we don’t have plans, I’ll pop over and see my mum and give her her card and gift, but other than that it’s a usual Sunday of housework, food shopping and a take away for dinner.

Pancakeflipper · 26/03/2025 09:20

Perhaps some need to be highly organised used and know what's happening (to get apt clothing sorted/know if to buy the chicken to roast if not going out etc.) ?

Perhaps it's a very unsubtle reminder to their family of "Mothers Day - sort it out".

Perhaps they do something every year so it's not seen as rude, it's just their norm?

I'm.not big into Mothers Day. Perhaps a reflection of the relationship with my own mother. And we aren't nearby so pressure off !

Pancakeflipper · 26/03/2025 09:22

skippy67 · 26/03/2025 09:17

My DC messaged me a couple of weeks ago, asking me to keep MD free. So rude...🙄🙄😅

How dare they make demands on your precious time, want to see you, let you know they love you. Pah!

Hope you told them to get stuffed.

RachelLikesTea · 26/03/2025 09:26

I couldn't care less about it but my eldest adult ds mentioned it to me at the weekend in a very excited manner! I told him not to spend his money on me but on his car instead (it needs a minor repair).

Always bought my mums a Mothers Day card or took her out with the family. She never expected anything on that day, either.

RachelLikesTea · 26/03/2025 09:27

Crunchymum · 26/03/2025 07:30

When my mum was alive, I'd get her the stuff she liked from Body Shop (she could only wear thier mascara and liked a certain cream), a bunch of flowers and a card. Sometimes I'd even drop it in the day before and not see her on the actual day depending on schedules

No fuss, no stress, no expectation. Although she was easy going, kind hearted and really appreciated the simple things which always made it so much easier. Miss her so much 😢

Love this. Very much the same here.

Floranan · 26/03/2025 09:27

My mum passed away when my youngest was nearly 2 (he’s now 30 ) before that we would do year about with DM / MIL I only had 1 Mother’s Day with my son before mum died which fell on MIL year so we had her and FIL over for tea that day ( she wasn’t impressed should have been a roast dinner ) my MIL was a very demanding woman who when FIL died became worst. In hind sight I should have stuck up for myself but I was young and just didn’t. Every Mother’s Day until she died was spent with her coming for the weekend, that was 14 years !.

now my children are grown with children of their own. My DD lives here and I should think I will get flowers and a card I normally do, my youngest has children and money is tight, he also lives 2 hours away so I will probably get a ft call which is perfect as far as I’m concerned. My eldest I normally see him and DIL at some point over the weekend with a gift I know they pop in and see her mum too. He dropped in last night for something and mentioned about seeing me on Saturday maybe if weather is nice we could spark the ooni up ! Nothing was said it was Mother’s Day weekend, but I should image they will bring a gift then this year see her mum on Sunday. That’s all fine with me, I’m more than happy.

Pinepeak2434 · 26/03/2025 09:33

My mum has been an alcoholic for about 18 years so it’s like I have a dead alive mother. I feel terrible guilt if I don’t send her anything even though she plays no role in my life anymore. She never expects anything and ever since I was a child has told me not to spend my money on her. However, on my husband’s side everyone gets together on Mother’s Day, demands are made even from my husband’s sister with regards to their mother - although it’s nice that they all get together, I do struggle internally with it all. It’s a day I could do without.

thankyounextplease · 26/03/2025 09:55

Pinepeak2434 · 26/03/2025 09:33

My mum has been an alcoholic for about 18 years so it’s like I have a dead alive mother. I feel terrible guilt if I don’t send her anything even though she plays no role in my life anymore. She never expects anything and ever since I was a child has told me not to spend my money on her. However, on my husband’s side everyone gets together on Mother’s Day, demands are made even from my husband’s sister with regards to their mother - although it’s nice that they all get together, I do struggle internally with it all. It’s a day I could do without.

Edited

I'm in a similar situation and it's really hard, especially with the mother's day advertising everywhere.

On top of that my partner and I split our time between two countries, and since the rest of the world celebrates mother's day in May, I get the whole shitshow twice a year.

QuickPeachPoet · 26/03/2025 09:58

My mum will be working on MD and has never demanded to be ‘thoroughly spoilt and pampered’ I am the same, and so was my late gran. We give a card, a bunch of daffs, and will meet for dinner in the evening (which will be pretty ordinary). Who are these women who demand being princesses for the day?

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