Scotland - Deferred Entry to Primary School

[JustAMum31]

Hoping there may be some of you here with experience of deferred entry for kids with winter birthdays.

I have chosen to defer my child due to social and emotional reasons. He’s very shy, takes quite a while to warm up to the idea of interacting with other kids (he will usually only do this if initiated by the other child) and still very much struggles with separation from me in the mornings when going to nursery.

He is exceeding all milestones in terms of “academics” and would be more than capable of the work. He is also very capable of practical tasks - fully dressing (zips/buttons etc), full toileting, cutlery etc - all the things they want them to be able to do prior to school.

I was very happy with my decision but have spoken to so many parents over the last few months telling me I’m being crazy for “holding him back”. Am I?! I have no other kids and no other kids in the family so I feel like I’m going into the decision a bit blind tbh! I’m just trying to think long term - he’d be super young going into exams etc/when the hormonal teenage years start/potentially moving away for uni at 17.

Any experience you can share would be appreciated!

You know your child best to make that decision.

I know both my boys would have been bored out of their tiny minds with another year in nursery by that stage.
They would also have been really upset to see all their friends doing the nursery-school transitions (they do a lot!) and move on to school without them. It happened to one of ds close friends and it was really difficult for him to be left in nursery while his peers moved onto school. He'd stand at the nursery window and watch all his friends in P1 out in the playground and ask to go with them😔.

I do know another mum who's child has struggled socially and she wishes she had deferred him. He's in P7 and she doesn't know what high school will bring, he's bright but immature, has no focus, easily distracted and messes around a lot in class.

Every winter-born (January/February) child that I've known who was deferred, has thrived when they went to school. Yes, they were ready practically/academically but the extra year in nursery meant they were ready socially. A number of people who questioned the parents about their decision and encouraged them not to defer, eventually admitted that it had been the right decision. Some of those kids are now in their teens and early 20s and doing brilliantly.

The only families I've known who regret their decision, are those who didn't defer. Their children struggled throughout school as they just weren't quite up to their peers, socially and haven't adapted to life after school either.

There are few drawbacks to deferring and many to sending too early. If he was likely to be upset by his peers moving on to P1 then maybe that was be difficult but it doesn’t sound likely.
Also now with the option for deferral for the March- August birthdays too- more and more people will be sending their children to school once they are fully 5 and no longer at age 4 so he won’t even be alone in this.

My older grandson was deferred(February birthday). He was absolutely ready academically but emotionally young. It is true that the last six months of nursery he was a bit bored, even though his key teacher took him into school regularly.
This year in primary one he has been fine. The real benefit will be high school as he will be older and, hopefully, more mature

@DangerFrog @fourelementary @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand @TartanMammy

Thank you all 🙂 I appreciate you taking the time to reply. He does have some children that he calls his “friends” but he still won’t initiate play with them - he waits for them to come to him.

Our nursery is an amazing local authority nursery where they really encourage the extra year for anyone who is eligible. Staff there have deferred their own children and they have a whole load of things in place to be able to challenge the older ones as the extra year progresses.
We have 2 primary schools beside nursery - 1 religious and 1 non-denominational. The kids that he refers to as “friends” will attend the religious school whereas DS will be going to the other so I don’t think the peer separation is as much of an issue as they will be attending different primary schools anyway. He does 3 different sports clubs in a week and these friends attend those and will continue to so he will still see them each week.

He is an early Dec birthday so will likely be one of the older deferred children. And I’m sure he would muddle through at the start but I just worry that he would be left behind socially while other children are forming tighter bonds. And as others have said - it’s the later years and the transition to secondary school as one of the youngest that would scare me.

I’ve spoken to parents that have said they are not deferring (despite quite a lot of communication issues) because their child is tall 😳 and they don’t want them being the tallest and oldest in the class. And others that are deferring seem to be doing so more for academic reasons (eg, their 4yo can’t currently write their name or count past 10). So it seems to be a complete mixed bag but I’ve not met anyone else concerned about social/emotional development.

I think I just need to ignore all other opinion and be fine with my decision to be honest! They’re starting the school transition next month for the kids beginning in August so I just want to be 100% sure in my decision before that starts.

Not deferring because their kids are tall? 🤣 Two of the kids that I know were tall as toddlers and are now 6ft+ as teens/young adults. Their parents deferred them, despite them being taller than the tallest in the year above. The social and emotional benefits of an extra year in nursery are well recognised amidst those knowledgeable in child development.

Your nursery sounds brilliant. The fact that the staff defer their kids is a really good sign.

I think the emotional and social aspects shouldn't be underrated. If a child is bright academically but lacks resilience, they may not cope with homework for example. To be honest, primary one and two are mainly play led, but they still have to sit on the carpet to listen to the teacher, work together in small groups, and learn blending sounds and number work as well as following routines. Dgs1 still struggles with making good choices at times but he's getting there. Good luck whatever option you choose

My DC are four years apart in age but ended up five years apart at school as DC1 was ready at 4.5 but DC2 wasn’t. It was the right choice for each of them for sure, DC2 was ready academically but it was the social aspect that I felt needed more time.

I’m not saying this is the case for your DS or any child struggling socially, but DC2 ended up diagnosed with ASD as a teen so I think that was actually an unknown factor for us at the time. Both my DC ended up leaving school at 16 to go to college, DC1 ended up leaving and is now 21 and working but DC2 is absolutely thriving at college and I don’t know if that would have been the case if we hadn’t deferred.

We've deferred our Feb-born this year for exactly the same reasons. Academically he's more than fine but socially/emotionally I think he'd have struggled enormously last August, and like you I'm thinking he'd potentially have struggled at the other end of school too. In all honesty, he has started to show signs of being a bit bored at nursery in the last month, but I still think on balance that's better than being overwhelmed by transitioning to school too soon. In our area deferral is really common though, so he is sharing this experience with the majority of his peers, which perhaps makes a difference.

DS1 is now 17 and a late December birthday. If we had deferred it would have been for social and emotional reasons. We didn’t and I think it would have been better if we had. Both school and private nursery felt that any issues he had would not have been solved by an extra year and that he was academically ready.
It turns out that he has ADHD and still presents as younger than he is, so it may not have made a difference. As a pp said, very few parents regret the decision to defer.

I deferred my January DS, he’s now transitioning to high school and I can see the difference being that bit older is making. He would have managed primary school aged 4 but certainly would have struggled in high school last year. He’s absolutely ready this year and I think will manage the change really well. Most winter born kids are deferred where I am.

Thank you all - I really appreciate the replies.
I’ve given myself a bit of a talking to and know I need to stop doubting my decision. I know it’s just with the transition to primary starting soon so I feel like it’s the final deadline if you like 😂🫠

@DangerFrog The tall thing did crack me up too 😂 You’re right, they are an incredible nursery. The staff go so above and beyond.

They are delighted with his progress and say that his social skills have come on leaps and bounds, especially over the last 6 months but they believe he’ll be more than ready after another year.

we deferred our early December DS due to emotional/social reasons too. I had no doubt he’d cope academically (thought what harm was an extra year tbh) but more than anything I thought he’d really benefit from being the oldest at nursery. Our nursery made an effort to involve the deferred kids in helping with the younger ones and it really boosted his confidence LOADS. He started primary 1 last year and I’ve no regrets whatsoever. He’s picked up academic school work really quickly but it’s his confidence that I am most impressed with. He’s quite self assured now and he just wasn’t before. Before his nursery pals went to school he was always involved socially but I’d have described as the follower - just going with the flow and playing how everyone else wanted him to play. The extra year gave him a chance to be the leader in certain games and he really came out of his shell.

proud of him :) he’s the best.

Defer. Why wouldn't you? You want to give your kid all the advantages in life you can.

You'll probably doubt yourself around this time next year when you feel he's more than ready for school but in the long run I can't think of any disadvantages tbh.

I know loads of people who deferred and none have regretted it.

I know some who chose not to and all but one regretted not deferring.

You are happy with your decision and know your child best so stick to your guns.

Our DD is Feb baby, so one of the youngest if not the youngest in her class.

She struggled emotionally, was shy, embarrassed easily and quite frankly had very very little resilience.

We chose not to defer as she was bright and able.

Honestly it really was the making of her, she thrived in primary and is now a rather resilient and happy and really quite mature compared to her older classmates.

Her older sister just missed the cut off for starting primary school (early April baby) and her final year in nursery was a struggle, she was bored and needed alot more stimulation, shes now about to go into high school and again this last year shes needed more, more dynamic friends, more subjects, more independence so high school cant come quick enough.

I would never ever defer, unless there was a real issue and was strongly advised by the teachers.

So as a December baby I went to school when I was supposed to and I was ready & did well.
When it did really show for me was in high school. I wasn't ready to choose my subjects and felt really out of my depth, but by then it was too late.

In your position, I would definitely defer him. My son was an early December birthday and we are so relieved that we did this. It was a horrendous struggle with the council and I think we were marked out as being difficult parents. There were lots of benefits when he hit S1 though. For example he had matured in P7 and by S1 was confident and old enough to deal with getting the bus to school, not panicking if it didn’t turn up, not fazed by the boisterous older children in the corridors as they went to and from lessons and indeed having the ability to say ‘No’ to certain undesirable things. Moreover, that extra year in primary allowed him time to develop other skills and areas that have come in handy at secondary. Now in the run up to Sqa exams, there is quite a few children who just are not ready to put the work in to show off their true abilities. Not many regret deferring as said by other posters.

Moreover, he was always very tall. By S2 it was longer that noticeable. Even in primary, there were two other boys in his year of similar height.

We deferred our January born and it was definitely the right decision. She was much more confident in speaking to other kids and teachers after that extra year. And now she's in the exam years I think it's so much better to be that year older as she's much more mature and realises the importance of studying for her exams. I don't think that would've been the case a year ago.

Why wouldnt you?
We could not afford another full year of nursery fees. Council nurseries in our area did not offer the hours we needed as shift workers and the private nurseries didn't take funded hours. No family support. Another year of fees would have absolutely crippled us so financially there was no choice in deferring ds2 even if we wanted to.

I fear deferring is going to widen the attainment gaps and inequalities even further as more affluent, middle class parents are the ones most likely to defer. And we know that those children, with all the support and resources at home are not the ones who need it the most.

Thank you all 😊 I’m definitely feeling better in my decision this afternoon. Just a bit of a wobble I think.

I do feel that the social/emotional side is just as important as the academic side and I know that given an extra year he could be so much more confident.

@HangryHandful You’re so right about them having the chance to be the oldest. Mine is very task focused and will love having the responsibility of helping the younger kids (which our nursery also does).

@TartanMammy Completely understand your feelings on this too. We actually sold our house and downsized to a property half the size but near the good council nursery we wanted him to go to prior to DS starting nursery as we knew the early childcare years would a struggle with our work patterns (DH works at sea for 4 weeks at a time and I worked 5 days per week). This gave us a little flexibility in finances and I found a new job to reduce my work to 3 days per week while he’s in nursery. Our nursery only offers funded hours which is amazing as there’s no top up fees - but, there’s also no flexibility in days etc, it’s set patterns and you can’t add any extra. I work a job at just over minimum wage just to help tide us over just now. We don’t have much left (if any!) at the end of the month but we can manage it for an extra year thankfully.

We deferred our December born son with absolutely no regrets on our part, he is now nearly finished secondary school, mature in his subject choices and confident with his classmates and friends.
He would tell you the only problem was being born in a different calendar year to his friends which puts him in an older age group for club football. So there is that, not something I thought about beforehand and not the biggest problem a kid could face but it’s troubled him at times.

A lot of the benefit of deferring is at the other end of education. Being 17 when you start uni can be a challenge, and if you take a gap year, you are limited in you ability to work and travel. I know many people that have deferred and non that have regretted it. Of those that didn’t defer - some are happy, whereas other regret the decision.