Critique this

[YourPoisedFinch]

[Your Name]
[Your Address]
[City, Postcode]
[Email Address]
[Phone Number]
[Date]
Hiring Manager
X Fund
[Company Address]
[City, Postcode]

Dear Hiring Manager,
I am writing to express my strong interest in the Summer Internship Program at X Fund. With a solid foundation in sustainable finance, hands-on experience in ESG analysis, and a dedication to social impact, I am confident in my ability to contribute meaningfully to your team.

As an MSc Economics student at UNI OF X—ranked among the top three globally in Development Economics—I have deepened my understanding of sustainable finance through courses like Green Finance and Environmental Economics. My undergraduate dissertation focused on integrating sustainability data into financial markets, a project that demanded meticulous attention to detail and advanced proficiency in Microsoft Excel and VBA. This work earned me the university's Social Impact Award, underscoring my ability to translate complex data into actionable insights and demonstrating strong written communication skills. I believe these competencies align well with X Fund's commitment to responsible investment.

During my internship with the Responsible Investment team at F Fund, I presented an innovative AI impact mitigation proposal to the Head of Responsible Investment, showcasing my ability to identify emerging risks and develop strategic responses. My analysis influenced risk management strategies for F Fund's portfolio companies, earning recognition for effectively translating complex topics into actionable insights. Additionally, I evaluated the ESG alignment of a real estate firm and conducted research on themes such as Just Transition, contributing to white papers that informed investment strategies. These experiences have equipped me with the skills to assess investment risks and opportunities through an ESG lens, resonating with X Fund's dedication to driving positive social change.
At F Capital, I applied financial modeling skills to support investment decisions in developing markets. I engineered debt drawdown and waterfall models for an African biofuels project, aiding the firm in assessing cash flow risks and refining investment strategies. Utilizing ETS models in R, I identified growth trends in renewable energy and agriculture, pinpointing high-growth investment opportunities that informed decision-making. Furthermore, my economic analysis of the Middle East and Africa evaluated key indicators such as election outcomes and interest rate risks, supporting data-driven investment approaches. Leading a firm-wide session on integrating AI into the investment process highlighted my ability to translate technical insights into practical strategies—a skill I am eager to bring to X Fund's innovative approach to sustainable investing.

Leading a community garden project as a [RANDOM AREA] Community Champion reinforced my ability to create positive environmental and social impact—values that align with X Fund's mission. Demonstrating creativity, I addressed local food inequity by transforming underutilized land into an urban garden supplying fresh produce to food banks. Beyond environmental benefits, the project promoted social inclusion. Collaborating with a diverse group, including individuals with dyslexia, I adapted communication methods to ensure inclusivity, reinforcing my capacity to engage with diverse individuals and foster an inclusive environment. The project's success was recognized when I was named Sustainability Champion of the Year by Clifford Chance. This achievement underscores my initiative, leadership, and commitment to sustainability, illustrating how I can contribute to your mission of delivering responsible investment and social impact.

Practicing karate has been a defining passion, shaping my mindset and strengthening qualities I believe align closely with X Fund's values. Earning my black belt required years of dedication, resilience, and strategic thinking—skills essential in investment management. Karate has taught me the value of discipline and patience, mirroring the mindset required for sustainable investment—understanding that meaningful outcomes are built through steady progress, informed decision-making, and long-term commitment. Additionally, karate has enhanced my ability to remain calm under pressure, assess risks, make calculated decisions, and stay composed in volatile situations—qualities developed through martial arts and pertinent to investment management.

I am excited about the opportunity to contribute to X Fund's mission of delivering positive social and environmental impact through responsible investment. With my background in sustainable finance, practical experience in ESG analysis, and commitment to driving meaningful change, I believe I can add significant value to your team. I welcome the opportunity to discuss how my skills and experiences align with X Fund's goals.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
[Your Name]

Is a CV attached as well? It's quite long and waffly and reads a lot like you've used AI and a business jargon generator.
Ditch the line about your university ranking.
Are Excel skills still that impressive? I don't know anyone who's used VBA for at least a decade!
Too much talk of karate, sounds like you're trying to cover up for a lack of actual work experience.

Good: lots of examples of relevant experience, including impact; well structured letter; in an appropriately formal style

Consider further: it would be better to name the recipient - phone and find out who it is; accordingly, valedictory should be changed to Yours sincerely; it's quite long and not easy to quickly extract the key points - address this by beginning with a bullet-pointed summary (4/5 bullets) in bold after the salutation; break up the body copy with sub-headings and make the paragraphs shorter; insert line space between date and postcode; add line to first paragraph saying you will provide detail below of your relevant experience and impact; reduce by about 50% the paragraphs on karate and the garden project; insert job title at Cygnum Capital.

A question: do you need to say why you are applying for an internship rather than applying for a job? You've already done one and are quite experienced.

I think it's a tad too long. Personally I'd stop with the karate references at "...... resilience, and strategic thinking—skills essential in investment management" and delete the rest. Otherwise I think it's a good strong letter and covers your strengths.

I'd say stop after the second paragraph and attach a CV. At least get rid of the community garden and karate unless they are directly relevant to the job - as in those particular interests, not any skills gained from them.
I wouldn't read beyond the first bit tbh. It's too long and waffly.

Mind you, dh still remembers the CV for a software engineer that mentioned his year playing the recorder when he was at primary school. They didn't get the job, but that was because their software skills weren't up to it; nothing to do with the recorder.

I'm afraid I would throw that in the bin.

It gives an overwhelming impression that you are an insufferable bighead who's doing the organisation a favour by even applying.