Hints for a peaceful retirement?

[ApolloandDaphne]

I have been retired for a while and am used to having the house to myself all week whilst DH works long hours or is away on business. During my period of retirement i have done a degree for fun and graduate in the summer. DH retires next week. I'm looking to find out how people manage their lives so they have fun together but don't drive each other mad, DH plans to garden, golf and run and I have my own hobbies. We already have a few holidays planned. However i like a quiet chilled life and spend a lot of time reading, watching TV and doing jigsaws. DH is all go, go, go. I don't think he knows how to relax. We are very happily married and i want it to stay that way! Those of you who are ready retired have you got any tips for us?

You both sound just like us!!! My husband is an all action man, I'm more chilled out. Been happily retired for about ten years. It's great that you've both got plenty of hobbies - that is definitely the key, I think. We do lots separately - for example my husband does voluntary work a couple of days a week, whereas I go independently to spend time with our daughter and grandchildren. Some stuff we do together - out for breakfast/lunch, day trips out occasionally. When we're home we rub along pretty well.

My husband always says that it's much harder for the man on retirement as their identity is very much bound up in work and I can see that. We as women have a much more flexible lifestyle - work for sure, but also juggling children etc. Somehow it makes it easy to retire doesn't it? Not rushing around, always looking at the clock, having time to just 'be'. Your husband might find the adjustment difficult for the first few years, but with a happy marriage and give and take on both sides, I'm sure you'll both be absolutely fine. Great idea to book plenty of holidays - we actually don't travel much now, but that's our choice and to be honest I don't miss it. I think you definitely do tend to do more of this in the first years of retirement actually, which is great.

Would your husband volunteer, eg, governor or trustee? It sounds like he'll need things to do that involve people and a fairly structured week.

Although I rather think it's his job to think of these things, not yours to think of them for him...

@ApolloandDaphne I’m like you in so much as I have semi-retired (only work maybe two days a month) whilst DH still working FT til March 2026. I can fill my days fine and have a few hobbies, like to read, see friends.

But DH doesn’t have any hobbies and his friends are younger/cant afford to retire so they will all still be working FT. I’m dreading it a bit to be honest as DH is quite “fidgety” (can’t think of a better word) and wants to be always doing something but doesn’t have any real idea of what. He is a potterer but when the weather is bad/garden doesn’t need doing/no DIY needing, he tends to depend on me to do “stuff” which I don’t really want to - like going a drive then doing some shopping. I feel he is morphing into his parents which I’m not ready for.

He also annoys me when he’s at home as he does chores in a non-sensible way such as putting the dishwasher on half empty immediately before dinner (so it’s then got to be emptied at dinner time when it could have waited and then took the dinner dishes), puts a washing on just before we leave the house (so it can’t get hung up then is very creased when it does get hung up) and he also tends to leave the bits of chores he doesn’t like doing - so will for example empty the dishwasher but leave the cutlery in it, hoover but not put the hoover away, iron but leave the “difficult” items, hang up the towels but leave all the socks etc.

I don’t know whether to be grateful he at least does pitch in or resentful that he just leaves the bits he doesn’t like for me.

On holiday we are great and really enjoy the same things but we can’t be on holiday all the time lol.

Think I’m going to have to speak to him about it but he tends to take things as criticism and get defensive - accuses me of saying only my way is right (which is probably true lol) and there are different ways of doing tasks. He’s got a point I suppose so I’ll need to work on being more relaxed about certain things.

It’s a huge adjustment at the end of the day - hopefully my DH can come up with a hobby or something to fill his time a bit and not be under my feet all day!

I'm absolutely not thinking of things for him to do. He could take on non exec positions but really wants to step away from the business world. I'm looking for thoughts on how people negotiate this new situation together. @DaphneduM is correct in that my DHs identity really centered around work whereas I had time off to raise our family and my job was never central to who I am. I stepped away easily.

I have to say my DH is great at housework! He does things properly whereas I just do what's needed to get by. The house will be immaculate!

Would a daily ‘meeting’ at breakfast time, or evening meal time, to Plan what you are doing tomorrow/all week/all month work?

I know a retired couple who have a notebook each and divvy up the chores and Plan in the outings and also the downtime/sorting shed time. It seems very formal to me but they swear it works and he is the laid back one and she is the on the go one . He Plans an afternoon on the sofa while she tidies out a cupboard or six.

they then tick things off, and she has said she needed to put on it things like do all the laundry including hanging out all the clothes and fetching them back in and sorting to each persons pile to be put away

My DH and I both do charity work around our own interests - your DH would be in high demand as a trustee and I’d suggest something like that. Look on volunteer websites for roles.

As for how you negotiate ‘home time’, we have found it really important to have our own physical space. We both have a study (mine is bedroom 4) where we can ‘retire’. I can watch tv on headphones if I wish, I can do my courses, research holidays etc - all without feeling he is watching over me. And vice versa.

We have a shared calendar but make our own lunches when it suits us (always have dinner together). So we live our own lives and intersect around children, grandchildren, mutual friends, walks during the day but also have independent lives. We’d never sit down daily to consult! It’s almost as if we were still working. And it ensures we bring conversation to the table at dinner.

We spent a while this morning putting stuff on to the shared calendar. We both have our own study space as we needed that for days he worked from home and I was studying. We also have two rooms with TVs so we can watch different programmes. We decided not to downsize so our house is quite big just for two but we understood this might be a good thing to give us both space.

Can you each have your own space at home?

What are your interests? Libraries/museums/stately homes are usually crying out for volunteers. The key thing is to establish a wide circle of local friends/interests as some will inevitable move away/die and clubs will close.

I’m off to our posh cinema this week for an oldies screening session -I get tea and cake along with discounted entry. Our theatre also struggles to fill the front rows so will sometimes discount seats heavily.

There’s always local government/politics (seems to attract a lot of middle aged).

Like others we each have our own space at home for laptop/computer, a shared calendar, do some separate voluntary activities but one together as well, and have a shared allotment which he goes to when he doesn't have anything else on.
We have spaces in the week to watch our own TV interests but generally watch together in the evening.
We both do house/garden stuff, him more than me.
I suppose for us it's having a variety of things going on and not being wholly reliable on the other for company/entertainment/activity and a general interest in the world around us so there is always something new to talk/think about.

We live in a small university town so there is plenty of stuff going on. We could do more voluntary stuff if we wanted. I think I am more concerned about being mismatched in terms of being busy. It will probably all work itself out I guess

I had been retired a few years and DH retired last October. All ok until he started a big DIY project and I am ready to bury him under the floorboards, which were up for a week. I was also rushed to A&E the weekend before he retired, ongoing treatment which has been successful, was housebound for a month and then needed a further 2 months to be able to get around.We are renting a Motorhome this week and will be buying one very soon. But we have just had a phone call that his Mother is having investigations for cancer. So with illness x2 and an out of control DIY project it has been hard. Keep your routine, I’m back in my routine and it’s improving. We both love hill walking so have just managed to start that again though not too far as I need to get my strength back. He needs people less than me.

@ViciousCurrentBun one of us falling ill is a big fear we have. DH has had a couple of operations in the past year but thankfully has bounced back. I have an ongoing hip issue. Hopefully we will both remain relatively healthy so we can enjoy our time together.

@ApolloandDaphne And that’s the rub really, life expectancy is so long now but healthy years are far less. My Mother was fine till about 85 and was very fit really but then lived almost another decade with the last 5 years in very poor health.

DH had an accident last year and it freaked him out a bit, ok with no long term issues and just concussion for 3 weeks. But it rattled him.