Worried they’re not being genuine at work

[worriedimbeinglaughedat]

I’m ND - dyspraxic, told I would have had Asperger’s but never been diagnosed with anything and obviously Asperger’s isn’t a thing anymore. I’ve got a long history of mental health crap including hospital stays a couple of years ago. I always get called vulnerable and seem to end up with people wanting to ‘look after’ me, and I get a lot of ‘just checking in’ phone calls and that.

I work in a professional job, mostly manage but struggle with some things - mainly social relationships and stuff. The last four weeks have been really difficult, a lot of pressure and conflict … and I ended up emailing my line management with a bit of background about my mental health diagnosis and treatment and where I feel I am at now. I had a bad panic attack at work this week - I ended up in tears and hyperventilating - and wanted to give them a heads up why.

My managers seem to understand. One acknowledged in email; the other two separately got in touch, hugs and lots of positive feedback. Both told me can phone 24/7, if I ever want a coffee or a chat I can get in touch and they’ll support.

My colleagues all tell me they love me, love having me around and one said ‘soft spot for you, I think you’re brilliant.’

I’m not brilliant, I do my best but I’m definitely not brilliant - and I’m so scared I’m being seen as vulnerable at work and either being pitied or being laughed at behind my back. I don’t know why I feel that way. I spent years being bullied at school, similar in my first job I was outright shot down/treated like an idiot …. and always told I’m not normal, and I’m so so worried that work think the same, that I’m obviously a weird one who needs extra support and that behind my back they’re taking the piss. I don’t want to become a liability who should be able to manage everything without support.

I always hated as a child when I was offered ‘learning support’. I’m intelligent, but socially I’m an absolute mess. Things like when I’ve gone out drinking with work or large training/conferences - my manager has had to point out to me that I need to mingle with people and talk to lots of people. I wouldn’t know that automatically and wouldn’t feel comfortable with it. I tend to find a seat and a safe person and stay back!

It’s almost like that book Elenor is Completely Fine! It feels like that if that makes sense.

Is there any evidence you’re being laughed at behind your back at work? I assume from what you say that you are absolutely seen as ‘vulnerable’ at work, given your panic attack, previous issues at conferences and social occasions, and the email you sent your managers, but that’s a different thing.

There isn’t, no - no evidence. My colleague told me some of them have a group chat and I’m often topic of conversation on there, but said it was all really positive. That’s made me feel a bit wobbly, as I’m not keen on the idea of being talked about.

It’s just sometimes when people have said that sort of thing before, they’re actually taking the mick and laughing at me not with me. I’d rather just be normal and fit in with everyone, but I never really seem to.

Past bullying can have a huge effect/impact. It sounds like you have a good workplace but conflict is quite stressful for you.

There is Access to Work which can do an assessment and provide 1.1 coaching (you don't need a diagnosis) around areas you struggle in. Also maybe some training in dealing with conflict at work, networking, I don't know - some kind of soft skills training courses might be helpful. Do you have a training budget at work?

I have adhd and rejection sensitive dysphoria is real!

Also I have found some workplaces just happen to have more extroverts working in them depending on the nature of the company. I work in a more sciencey company now and its a much better fit for me with more introverts. My manager seems to he hovering around wanting to make sure I'm making friends (I'm quite new) - I've taken a bit of control over that in terms of putting coffee meetings in with different people, so doing it 1.1. Also I try and force myself into small talk on the occasions I feel like it, other times I fake it by preparing beforehand, sometimes I don't do it at all.

Also I think CBT is helpful - get a piece of paper and rationally write down all the evidence on one side why you think people aren't genuine. On the other side write down all the possible explanations - you'll see there either isn't any evidence or it could be not about you at all.

It sounds like they are nice people and your vulnerability makes them want to care/help you. Equality isn’t treating everyone the same it’s ensuring everyone can achieve their best outcome. Some people need support/adjustment to do that. Why do you feel you don’t deserve additional support when you have a legitimate reason for needing it? It’s no different to a walking aid or hearing aid or support dog. Slightly more complex as the support you need may be more nuanced but it’s no less deserved.

Read up on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, common alongside autism & adhd. It may well be that's what you're experiencing

I’ve never heard of that before but that makes perfect sense, thank you! I’ll look into access to work too. It’s definitely a very, very extroverted workplace - a lot of big characters and people who’ve been there a very long time. Everyone’s lovely, but it’s a lot to keep up with.

I’ll definitely read up on the dysphoria, I googled quickly and yes, that’s exactly what I’m experiencing.

Thanks!