Weekend with SIL

[RoseSoap]

Please wise MNetters, help me survive this family weekend. It's MIL's birthday party and we are visiting for the weekend. SIL has dc the same age as mine and she is SO competitive and negative. I always feel utterly drained after talking to her, she has a dementor like energy.

She’ll inevitably bombard me with a million questions about how mine are doing. Then, she’ll subtly or not so subtly try to put us down, casually bragging about all the petty achievements her kids have brought home. It’s typical teenage stuff, but for her, it’s as if her kids are the most talented, smartest, and most exceptional teens when really, they’re just average and in fact not that pleasant. The level of arrogance and competition and wanting to put us down is exhausting.

What strategies can I use to avoid feeling completely stressed and deflated by this? How can I deflect if she asks probing questions about my dc? I know she only asks to compete. Help, I am not looking forward to this.

If they are teens say “ask them sis they will probably tell you stuff they don’t tell me”

You really need to work on feeling more grounded in yourself so that someone else’s behaviour doesn’t impact on you so strongly! Deflecting questions can be fun. ‘Oh, look over there! Sorry, I thought I saw a Shadow Man in the kitchen! Maybe not. Did I tell you about my new obsession with the paranormal and the ghost-finding gadget I bought on Amazon?’

Or treat her questions diagnostically. ‘SIL, are you ok? You seem very anxious about what the children are doing. I’m sure yours are doing fine. You might want to calm down about their Guide badges and marks.’

Agree with the above. When she tells you about her children, reply with ‘how lovely’, and when she asks you about yours, tell her to ask them herself.

'Dementor like energy' made me laugh as I know what you mean.

A friend of mine who has no dc and really doesn't want to hear about ours always says 'Oh how lovely' on repeat if I say anything about them. That works on me! Pleasant but no comment.

The questions are harder, so you need to go a bit vague I think. How did they do in their mocks? Oh okay I think, can't remember exactly.

You are all right with being more grounded (I'm not) and deflecting comments. Just need the moral support to brace myself for 48 hours of this energy sucking experience. The way she acts feels hostile and combative.

I would bring my knitting, sit down and reply 'hmm/good job/is it so' to her bragging not paying a lot of attention.

I have a friend who asks all these questions. I have started to not engage. 'Haven't thought about it/ah yes, we need to sort that/hmm, must ask husband'.
Really she doesn't care anyway about my answers so it works quite well.