Is it possible he's playing the long game

[Makebettermen]

Another thread, with a situation similar to mine, has made me think.

I had previously considered this, and satisfied myself that it's OK, but then I see all the comments and wonder again.

Widowed several years. Financially secure and about to retire early, on a pension that is mine (irrelevant but it's annoying me the way people assume I can retire early because DH left me well set up).

Anyway I've been seeing a man a bit younger who works quite casually when he needs to. Has enough for holidays and a nice car, but rents a small flat, which suits him fine, but isn't somewhere I'd choose to live. He has a lovely lifestyle for a man with no family, and it's nice that he has time for us to do things together.

Perhaps I spend too long on MN, but I am very wary of men targeting the "wealthy" widow or women with homes for them to move into.

I told him early on I won't ever live with a man again, which I won't, for several reasons, the main ones being I'm not taking on the drudgery again, and to protect my assets for DC. I also find I enjoy living alone. He's said hes fine with all that, it suits him too.

But I do wonder if he's expecting that to change? If so, how long before he gives up? 🤣

Well the only answer is to wait and see? But how is working casually managing to cover his rent and car and holidays? Are you sure he isn't living off the income from investments or an inheritance, because rent is a perpetual expense and working 'as and when', unless it's in an extremely highly paid job, won't make sure that he has a roof over his head all the time.

I don't have any proof of his financial situation, but the kind of (freelance) work he does pays £2/300 for a morning or afternoon and he does as many as he needs to cover his expenses. If he's got a big holiday coming up he'll do a few more.

He's not doing casual work in a coffee shop if that's what you were imagining. Why would it matter if he was living off investment income? So am I.

Obviously it wouldn't matter if he was living off investment earnings - but he might think that it's YOU that's liable to take financial advantage and not want to admit where his money really comes from.

Just be wary of any sudden or urgent needs to move in with you 'temporarily' because his landlord is selling up and evicting him / the place is falling into a sinkhole / bubonic plague has broken out, and he has nowhere else to go.

What would happen if he couldn’t work for whatever reason? He couldn’t afford his rent & needed somewhere to stay?

Isn't that the same for everyone? He has some savings, he's not living hand to mouth and I imagine if they were used before he was able work, he'd be entitled to some benefits,.

In his shoes I'd be uneasy about retirement, as far as I know he hasn't made provision, but that's not my problem.

@Makebettermen if he has the Aristide that he works ‘just enough’ to fund rent & some holidays id worry that he has a lackadaisical attitude to security around money. That’s not you.

Im a cynic, I’ve seen too many savy women burned as they let down their guard as they invested emotionally in a man & who want to help him when things go wrong. Some might think it was the man’s plan all along.

Again I’m a cynic

I’d imagine if he ever thinks about the future (which it appears he doesn’t at the moment), in some vague way he probably (and not in a pre meditative way) does see you as some form of security, after all, you’re so nicely set up with your own home, good pension, etc, everything he doesn’t have.

I’m a cynic.

the long game can be as long as it needs to be (for him). He’s ok for now, it’s retirement when it will hurt or landlord selling etc.

as a pp said, don’t fall for any “short term” moving in etc. or marriage proposal obviously.

Surely you can have the retirement conversation as it’s so relevant to what you’re doing?

Also there is the deadlines for NI backward contributions approaching so you could ask him about that and what he knows about state pension entitlement

Yes I could. I haven't seen it as my business but I'm sure he'd tell me if I asked.

Well, it's fine as long as your boundaries are rigid - and you have told him, so that's fair.

It sounds as though you're having a very nice time. Why spoil your own fun just in case he secretly hopes for a future that doesn't suit you? Bonkers.

Continue to live separately. My now elderly neighbour just has her very long term boyfriend stay over at weekends. They both do their own thing the rest of the time. She has had a long line of female lodgers who live there week long. Best of both worlds.

You seem to have your head screwed on and if you were likely to lose it for love, it would be gone by now. So I’m sure you’ll maintain the boundaries you’ve set out.

Is the possible long game him coming to you for financial support if he has made no provision for his retirement? As you’re retired it wouldn’t be an unusual subject for you to raise, but if he is a long term scammer he would lie.

You seem shrewd enough to spot anything amiss, but being on constant alert will take the shine off what seems to be a good relationship. All sorts of things could change that, not just money, so just enjoy it for what it is for now

Agreed. No need to borrow trouble on absolutely no basis. You’ve been perfectly clear with him that marriage and/or cohabiting aren’t on the cards. It’s not your problem if he doesn’t think you mean it/secretly hopes you’ll change your mind etc.

One question — he has an accident tomorrow and can’t work for the foreseeable future, and rapidly can’t afford his rent etc. What do you do in this scenario?

Personally - I’d not care what his plans for the retirement. You have your life, he has his. The relationship works for now - and it seems that it is the kind of relationship you want at the moment.

If/when it changes - you can reconsider. But, most importantly you have been upfront about what you want.

IF you said that you do want a LT partner to share a life with, in a more involved way - I’d say - don’t waste your time with this one as he is unsuitable. But - you don’t want to live with someone anyway.

So - enjoy 🤗🤗🤗

This is an excellent point. In all things, my life would be better if I lived in the moment and enjoyed it for what it is now.

He is a bit of a wheeler dealer in the way he makes his income but I haven't seen anything that suggests he's less than honest. I've met his parents, his brother, his long term friends, some going back to school days. He's keen for me to get to know these people, I don't think he's hiding anything. I obviously haven't interrogated them, but things they mention in conversation check out with waht he tells me.

It would change things in that he wouldn't have the cash to do nice things with me, but it wouldn't make him dependent on me. He has some savings short term. He might need to turn to benefits, but if he needed support or somewhere to live he'd far more likely go to his parents than to me and they'd be glad to help.

Actually I think he'd find a way to do something to make "enough" unless he was actually comatose.