To hate being put in this position.

[Theblessedchild]

I am a massive people pleaser, always have been and I'm trying to say no to something I don't want to do tonight, I've already said not fancying it sorry, now getting push back. It was hard enough sending the first message as I never say no and put myself first, how do I reply without being rude and ruining a friendship?

Say “, are you coercing me! Anxiety trigger alert, lol, have a nice time without me! See you soon x”

Respond more assertively. 'Like I said, I'm not doing X tonight. Enjoy it! Maybe see you at the weekend?' or whatever.

Just say ‘no, I’m not up for that tonight’. Don’t apologise. Is it something they will do if you’re not going, eg a group of friends meeting? If so I’d add ‘you have a great time though’ or words to that effect.

I think you just have to say it.

"No, I really need to just chill at home tonight. I'll see you soon"

And there's no point complaining on here about the other person's behaviour. If you usually agree and do things whether you want to or not, you're in part responsible for the dynamic where the other person isn't used to you saying no, and thinks you don't mean it. The only behaviour you can change is your own. And you start by deciding whether (A) it's more important for you to be out of sorts because you're dragging yourself out to an occasion when you don't want to, or (B) for the other person to be out of sorts because you aren't going. (Clue: it's (A).)

This is absolutely true OP. There is no magic response Mumsnet can give you that will appease all parties; there is only the establishment of a new dynamic from now on. I once heard it said that when someone gets angry with your refusal to comply with their request, that is an indication that you're setting the boundary correctly. I've never forgotten this.

I wouldn't agree with someone else's anger necessarily indicating that you've set a boundary correctly, but I do think anger or incomprehension is likely if you're a chronic, longterm people pleaser saying no for the first time.

The problem with a lot of Mners is that they then conclude the other person is 100% at fault and a 'CF', and that it was a 'friendship' based on the other person exploiting them and then getting angry when they were no longer useful. They don't take any responsibility for contributing to the dynamic, when it takes two, and if one of those people has worked very hard to appear to avoid giving any indication that they aren't entirely delighted to accompany their friend everywhere all the time, then it's going to be news to the friend. Who doesn't know that the other person has hated it for years but not said so.

Just say “sorry, no can do” it works for me with pushy people who don’t accept an explanation the first time

I understand what you are saying but that really isn't the case here, I'm not moaning about her or calling her a CF and I am normally more than happy to do something she has suggested, just not this time, I still haven't responded to the pushback as I feel bad that she may miss out on something but not bad enough to sit through something I'd hate.

Well, good for you. It's not your issue if she won't do whatever it is without you. If she wants to badly enough she'll go alone, surely? There's no need whatsoever to be 'rude', but you won't be being rude by reiterating that you won't be going. Her response to that reiteration isn't something you need take responsibility for.

I wouldn’t reply and if I did I wouldn’t be saying sorry. I think a lot of people’s default is to apologise then justify. It’s called a boundary you’ve said no and that should be enough.

You don't have to respond. You've said you can't go leave it at that. Just because someone said something afterwards, that doesn't negate what you said originally.

Get your phone out, open it up and type “nope, not tonight.” Put your phone down.

Any more words and you are inviting discussion. Pith is your friend.

My friends suffer me being pithy at times and still talk to me.