Is it normal to hate having neighbour's as much as I do

[Fourpawsblack]

I think I’ve tipped into obsession a little bit over it and I don’t know how to help myself.

My NDN (semi) are annoying and loud. They talk loudly, slam doors, laugh loudly. Just normal family noises but loud. On top of this they have a horrible dog that barks loudly at intervals during the day. It also barks every time I go outside. I’ve spoken to them about the dog and they have made efforts but I hate the sight of the dog now because it’s so badly trained and annoying.

Its got me a nervous wreck. If I see they are out I am stressed because the dog might be barking. I’m also stressed incase they can hear me and are thinking the same. I’m stressed every time I hear them, no matter how quiet. I absolutely hate it!

So for those of us without the luxury of being able to afford a detached house (not an option for me!) do you also hate hearing noises in your home? I feel like it should be a safe place for just me and I hate hearing someone else in it? It’s not private and it makes me teeth itch to hear them. What can I do to make it less consuming and just help
myself get over it- they aren’t going anywhere so I need to learn to live with it.

Can’t afford soundproofing either. These are large 1930s semis and it would cost thousands I just don’t have.

You have my sympathies

My neighbours aren't as bad as yours but the flat has been built with terrible soundproofing so the noise of everyday life is a problem

It isn't worth getting extra soundproofing, apparently. Well, not in flats anyway. If it hasn't been worked into the building, apparently it makes very little difference.

I previously lived in a building with fantastic soundproofing so it's been a bit of a shock. Fortunately the neighbours are nice, so far.

I do sometimes wear noise cancelling headphones. Also, I have noticed which times are worse around here and I try to plan on being out at those times.

When I go for walks on the streets with big detached houses, I do notice that you can hear an awful lot of noise in summer. Unfortunately a large part of this is people being inconsiderate.

I live in a semi. I don't mind dc playing or quarrelling but adults arguing and dogs barking do bug me.

I’m in a terrace. Pretty good sound proofing generally - I only hear my neighbours on one side when we are both in the bathroom which adjoins. The other side is a young family and I occasionally hear them in the afternoon if they are in the front room but never hear them getting up in the morning. I like it to be honest.

Perfectly normal. I live in a flat in an expensive part of a city and hate most of my neighbours. So many anti social arseholes who do things like let their dogs out to bark at 5am.

I agree with the pp who said that you can often hear a lot of noise in gardens from detached houses when it’s summer ( and before / after then if it’s warm as it is more likely to be here in the SE). I live in a semi but it’s not my immediate neighbours who trouble me but the ones next to them, and it’s their amplified music in their garden so I’d hear that even if I lived in a detached house. On the other side, I used to hear my neighbour’s loud, booming work calls from just inside the house when their bifold doors were opened. Thankfully he retired last year and seems to be out a lot.

I know all about the stress and feeling on edge. If you like your neighbours, you don’t mind so much. I do dread summer / warm weather and since I can’t change what the neighbours do, only how I respond to it, I’m looking into counselling to reset my thinking. In the meantime I do have noise- cancelling headphones and earbuds as well as a white noise app.

I don’t think that’s normal but I think most people would choose to live in a detached house if they could

My sister has recently bought some ear plugs that reduce noise, but you can still hear a conversation or the TV. They have a metal ring that sits in the outer ear. Might be worth a look.

I moved to a detached for the exact same reasons as you and now it is honestly bliss, so relaxing. The only internal noise is my own and I have the quietest neighbours now. The odd mowing of a lawn I can bear! I used to live in a 1930s semi with the loudest woman next door - used to call her big gob Bal. Even sex was a theatrical performance!!!

I have 3 Alexa’s and have constant music playing from one or the other - I find if I don’t hear the noise in the first place I’m less alert to it if that makes sense. I crave silence though so it’s not ideal.

My next house will be in the middle of a field, I’m tired of other people and their selfishness.

I live in a detached house but I have a school opposite. Yesterday a parent stopped their car outside my house and had their stereo on so loudly I couldn’t hear the webinar I was watching indoors for work!!

the PE teacher is also the loudest person on the planet (but very nice)

the terrace I used to live in was quieter!

I feel your pain!

You (we!) need to work on managing stress and anxiety and you will be happier!

If you do various stress busting activities- take some time everyday to create a calm space in your head- two things happen… it gets easier to reach that calm place over time so you can calm yourself down more easily (eventually) and you just empty your stress bucket a little so you have more capacity for everyday stresses.

It makes you more resilient. Imagine a stress bucket that’s full to the brim. Every time neighbours bang and bellow, you slosh your stress a bit. Make space in the bucket through regular calming exercises and you’ll have more room in the bucket and be less splashy!

I think you’ve probably become hyper-alert to the slightest noise, which I remember from when we had noisy karaoke-loving upstairs neighbours. Sympathies.

If you’re noise sensitive to start with and then have a bad experience with neighbour noise it can tip you into becoming quite fixated with it. Even when there’s quiet, you’re not able to relax because the noise might start up.

headphones might be worth a try to alleviate things.

I understand though- I’m not particularly noise sensitive but I breathed a sigh of relief when we finally moved to a detached house. It really is the ultimate goal for many people. It’s not just the fact that we don’t hear our neighbours at all, it’s the freedom of knowing they can’t hear us! Not that we’re anti social at all, just that’s it’s refreshing to put some music on, or for the kids to play some noisy game thundering up the stairs, or even to hoover at 10pm at night if the urge takes me, all without being anxious it’ll be annoying someone else

I would feel the same. I’m a quiet no drama person, as is my family so this would be awful for me too. Also I don’t like dogs as I am not comfortable around them.

I feel you, OP.

I live in a terrace, have done for 20+ years. On one side is flats and they’re not too bad.

the other is a house and we’ve variously had:

wind chimes directly below our bedroom

little children playing noisily in the garden at 7am on the weekend so mum and dad can have a lie in

2 major renovations, which have resulted in a house with fewer walls and zero soundproofing (I’ve been inside it)

1 elderly man who’s TV was deafening (he got headphones after his own DD agreed with us)

1 couple whose dogs yapped a lot when they were out (but they themselves weren’t noisy)

1 friend of said couple who is house sitting complete with a baby grand piano and who are AirBnBing the place to people who make lots of noise (this is really stressful as we never know when strangers will be there and how long they’re staying for.)

On MN it’s usually those who make noise and disturb others who are pandered to but frankly if you’re a noisy person go and live in the backside of nowhere were you can’t distrust anyone else.

We're now in a detached house. In our previous terrace and, before that, ground floor flat, it made me physically and mentally ill hearing the neighbours.
It was a total overreaction from me - they weren't doing anything too out of the ordinary - a bit of loud music on a Saturday afternoon, slamming doors, loud phone calls in the garden etc. But it meant I was in a state of fight or flight the entire time. I realise we spent a lot of our time out - going for a walk, going out for lunch, going away for the weekend.
Now we're in a detached house we don't hear a peep from anyone and we don't feel the need to go out for the sake of it, as we're not trying to find peace.
I think you're either just wired this way or you're not.

Loop ear buds might help, we are detached but the bottom of our garden backs on to a neighbours and every time the weather is nice any enjoyment we might have is spoiled by the kids who for some reason can’t talk they have to shout constant shouting all day. Drives me mad.

Hear you OP. I've lived in a new building during covid, where the neighbours on all sides had constant blaring music / bubbling hot tubs / children out at all hours. I ended up so annoyed with them that every little noise they made irritated me, and I nearly had a breakdown...

I now live in a 1920's semi with even thinner walls, but our neighbour is lovely and I genuinely love hearing her.

I'm with you OP.

Years ago I lived in a 1930's semi, it was a lovely house, fully converted loft so it had 4 bedrooms, a big garden with workshop at the end. Lovely greenhouse, beautiful.

The very first night we moved in we heard the TV blaring from next door, and from our bedroom could hear the old boy snoring all night. It slowly drove me mad, I was a wreck. I wanted to sell straight away but was locked into a mortgage deal, I felt trapped which made it a thousand times worse.

I would spend all in the office dreading going home and at weekends stay out of the house seeing friends and family, the house really stretched us too financially, I was living under this dark cloud.

Eventually I looked into sound proofing. I know you said OP its not an option due to cost, but you could start smalll and DIY it. My partner decided to DIY and placed soundboard direct to the walls, remvoed the skirting and it made a massive difference. We could still hear the TV, but reduced. It was the first restbite for nearly a year

We only proofed our bedroom and living room. Even a 50% reduction will do wonders for your mental health and as I said , just proof two rooms so you have somewhere of sanctuary in your home.

In the final instance, I just had to accept I'm very sound sensitive, we moved eventually. You may have to do the same in the end, really taking your time for your new property to ensure its as quiet as possible.

Hear you OP, it's smells with me, my lovely next door neighbours adult son (50's) moved back in with her 2.5 years ago and smokes! They all so but he sits outside right at the boundary wall and smokes constantly. The smell comes in my kitchen, bathroom and back bedroom windows so when he's on a day off or from a Friday afternoon to Monday morning my windows are mostly closed. He's also a loudmouth misogynistic lazy arse! Watches reels loudly when he's there. Parks like a knob with his jeep too. He reversed one night and hit our car, didn't tell us and we found out it was him by checking the door camera. He said oh yeah I hit it and had a look and thought it didn't look damaged, that in itself tells you what type of person he is. He did pay for the damage, just over a grand for repair.
I hope he moves soon, my neighbour is a lovely woman and I wouldn't want to make her feel shit complaining about him.
I sympathise with you, I would always think about how my behaviour impacts others especially neighbours. Xx

Thankyou to every one of you! I feel better knowing it’s not just me.

Moving isn’t an option, I feel a bit trapped. We bought this house as a wreck and have poured so much time and money into it to make it exactly as we wanted. I think we would make a loss on it and would have to downsize to a much smaller detached. It wouldn’t be the end of the world but it would mean kids sharing. I also think my husband would only go for a new build after the trauma of DIY renovating this one. I’ve heard bad things about noise in new build
eststes so im wary. My ideal would be in a field in the middle of nowhere but I can’t afford that. It’s been a rough 5 years to get to this point!

It’s just so annoying that someone else can affect me so badly. All of the houses on the street are semi detached and don’t sell often so everyone else must be managing! Maybe I am just stupidly sensitive compared to other people.

Yes my neighbour is really annoying. He is into classic cars and is constantly revving, spraying noxious chemicals, tapping etc. My whole house vibrates when he moves the cars around or turns the engine on and I have to shut all the windows or else the whole house smells of exhaust fumes.

I feel your pain. We have a family next door - with dogs. Ironically, we never hear the kids (presumably they're zombies permanently plugged into devices with headphones). The parents on the other hand...The wife has to be the worlds loudest person with a voice like Janet from Friends but in Glaswegian and at 100 decibels. She slams the doors so hard it rattles the fixtures and fittings in my house. The husband is a labourer and sorts out the truck at 9 o'clock at night, clunking and clanging tools while repeatedly slamming the door as he goes in and out. He has a motorbike and sometimes just sits and revs it. They bugger off for the day leaving the dog to bark. They run the f'ing dishwasher overnight so they make a racket even when they're sleeping.

Rant over.

Breathe.

@Amberlynnswashcloth

are you me 😫

Have you got a plan or just live with it?

Sometimes I leave a pile of laundry so I can run the washing machine when the noise from next door gets to me. The humming and clunking of the machine helps to disguise the noise from next door and I think because I'm in control of it the sound doesn't bother me as much. I also have a white noise machine and I set it on loud to Thunder and Lightning which again disguises the sound of slamming and DIY from next door. Speaking of DIY, every few months its another project. I see deliveries of building supplies and my heart sinks.

Outside is no better. From the first mild week of Spring, on goes the hot tub for 24 hours a day with its incessant low frequency hum and vibrations that I can feel inside the house. If that wasn't bad enough, last year they set-up the barbecue right beneath my bedroom window so my curtains and bed covers smelled like burnt sausages.

As soon as NASA start looking for volunteers to move to Mars, I think I might apply!