My daughter and her bully.. school being dismissive.

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I have a 10 year old dd. She used to be pretty close to this girl since they were small. Let’s call her friend Abi,

I noticed that someone’s abi wasn’t a kind friend and a lot would go over my daughters head, it got to the point I had to sit dd down and say look this isn’t what a nice friend does, a couple years ago thankfully they drifted apart but then more and more problems

dd has always been pretty popular amongst her friends but Abi has got jealous before. I am the parent who encourages having a few friends rather than one best friend and I think Abi just wanted Dd to herself.

there has been lots of ongoing bullying issues but it’s not the stereotypical bullying we often think of, it’s often when teachers/adults are out of sight or ear shot, she used to steal stuff off dd and run away with it and chuck dds stuff in the mud, she’d drop her pencil, dd being kind would pick it up but Abi would kick her or stand on her hand, she’s made nasty passive aggressive comments about dds appearance calling her fat and other things, and talking down to dd (dd struggled academically). This is used a snippet, this was mainly in year 4, the teacher and support staff at the school did help somewhat.

at one point dd was coming home every day saying that Abi accidentally stood on her hand again. I am sorry but as one off yes but you don’t accidentally stand on someone’s hand every day, it was deliberate and dd was blind to it at the time.

things got a little better but have gone downhill the last few weeks with a new teacher who wasn’t at the school last year.

here’s my issue, Abi is acts all angelic around adults, so when I bring issues up the school are totally dismissive and thinks Abi is not like the way I say she is.

I have spoken to the teacher who pretty much told me that Abi is not like this, but she really is, it’s not just me saying it either, other parents have raised concerns and other parents have told me their kids have witnessed nasty behaviour particularly towards my dd.

what the hell do I do now?

funnily Abi’s mum was a friend of a friend at school and was a similar age to me, was known to be similar and a nightmare at school!

Ask to speak to the head of year. Don't concentrate on Abi but your DD and her wellbeing.

Rubbish situation, Op. Sorry your DD is going through it.

Sometimes school just won't deal with things. Dd was being bullied. School denied all knowledge... Also standing on her hands, kicking her.. Think dd was about 8.. The lad jabbed her in the eye with a pencil. An accident school claimed.. 10 daily trips to the eye hospital to check for damage...
I mentioned to his df that dd was OK now. He had no idea.. They hadn't even told him. In fact I was scolded for telling him!!
I would be waiting for dd at the gate and practice your best scowl at the bloody bully.
As a dc (about 11) my dm marched into the yard with ddog and told my bully to leave me the hell alone..
And she did.
School def weren't happy but they hadn't dealt with it...

I don’t understand this response at all! Of course the OP encouraged her child to have more than one friend and not to be overly reliant on one person. This is what a good parent does! She explained to her daughter what is unacceptable behaviour in friendships because sometimes a 7 yr old (!) may need a bit of guidance in navigating the world. The little bully is an Angel in front of teachers but other parents are concerned about nasty behaviour to their children .

What exactly do you find strange?

How many opportunities are there for this girl to stand on your dd's hand. Surely she doesn't put her hand on the floor regularly? Or is she regularly picking up pencils?

You need to start a log of incidents and complain in writing. The school dismissing you because they think a child is too good to misbehave is unacceptable.

Find their bullying policy and hold them accountable to every step, escalate through the process if nothing changes. Failing that, I’d be inclined to talk to the girls parent also. Abi needs to be called out.

I’ve been in this position OP. I tried to take it higher up (head of year, headteacher, governors) but the “angel” still managed to fool everyone. Eventually I left the school which was the best move for us/her. Said “angel” moved onto someone else and made their life hell.
It amazes me how naive some teaches can be. I’m a (primary) teacher and there are children who we know behave nice for our benefit but are really sly and nasty with other kids; we come down on them like a ton of bricks!
Keep fighting OP and keep the communication with your DD. Wishing a good outcome for you x

Are the staff who were helpful in year 4 still there? You might be able to approach them. Otherwise, I’d ask for an appointment with the deputy or the head and ask that the strategies that worked before were put in place again and that the current teacher is made aware and follows them too.

Note all interactions you have and if you don’t feel things are improving, you can contact the chair of governors.

If dd is 10, will she be leaving in the summer, or is she in Year 5?

It’s not always the pencil thing. Sometimes it’s if they are out climbing on the play equipment. IMO it happens way too often to be an accident but I’m not certain!

Sadly no, the teacher left, as well as other staff and a new head!

she is in year 5 now!

Thank you, it’s really hard. The mum is also someone who wouldn’t believe their child could anything wrong. We all stand by our kids but if I knew mine had done wrong, I’d admit and take action.

I have considered moving but where we live is rural with tight catchment areas so not sure how easy it will be. I just hope they won’t go to the same secondary school!

Thank you, definitely, dd had some mental health support last year at school and a lot was to do with the same girl.. I’m hoping this is recorded somewhere! At the time the lady (outside body from school) was great and really felt like she understood!

Thanks all! Really appreciate it. Didn’t see the deleted replies but I get the idea it was about what I said about not just relying on one friend - I stand by that. I think best friends are okay if there’s other friends too, if two best friends become too reliant on each other I’ve seen it go bad, this is something my parents always said to me too. Plus I noticed that said girl wasn’t a kind friend before dd did! She preys on dds vulnerabilities. For instance dd has dyspraxia and is often slow on her feet so her ‘friend’ would run off with her belongings or trip her up knowing dd was more unsteady on her feet than others and then would tell dd it was an ‘accident’.

My DS had issues with a boy from nursery all the way through to year 4/5. His teacher didn’t see anything and didn’t think to ask the other kids who witnessed it. The bully was good academically so the teacher didn’t want to deal with it. I had to escalate to the deputy head who was also safeguarding lead and it was only when she got involved that it actually stopped. Bully’s mum lets him get away with so much stuff and fell out with me cos I stood up for my child. Thankfully now they’re in high school they’re in different schools

If they won’t take your concerns seriously I would just be clear this is happening and you want them to support your daughter in keeping distance from the girl in question (not sitting close in the class etc). Then you need to tell your DD it is time to end the friendship and not engage. If the girl is mean she needs to report it every time, straight away. Tell the teacher you have instructed her to tell them and you want every incident noted. I wouldn’t wind up other kids to do the same or it might look like they are ganging up.

Then you have to wait for the girl to move on to her next victim. But she won’t learn unless there are consequences.