In case people think it was the life of luxury -
My mum stopped working before I was born, 34 years ago, due to severe and enduring mental illness and very adverse circumstances. She went back to work for about a year when I was 13 then had to stop again. She’s never worked since so was solely reliant on benefits.
In the early 90s, that meant £80 a week for the whole family to include all bills. When my dad was about, we never saw it. We lived off Tesco value - you could get value everything in those days…! Clothes were from neighbours. We had heavy social work involvement - on child protection plans - and I vividly remember the social work once tipping clothes out from black bags at the family centre and the mums there being told to get what they could.
Toys came from a toy library set up, or relatives, or the social. Socialwork once did our Christmas for us, I remember them coming with a car load.
We didn’t have a working sewage system at one point so the whole house smelt of shit. Human waste came back up through water outlets. We had dodgy appliances - one once burst into flames, thankfully it was in the garden shed. The walls were black and spongy due to damp and I’ve got papers saying the house was not fit for human habitation.
I remember not having electric at times, and having to go to bed in the dark. Not being allowed to touch the heaters as we couldn’t pay for them. Hiding from the provident lady under the table. Lying on the floor so the milkman couldn’t see us. I remember people selling electric tokens on the sly. Vouchers so I could get new bedding when I was 16.
Abuse was rife in all circles. I remember knowing half my neighbours kids were being sexually abused or physically, myself included. Neglect by today’s standards was entirely normal and expected. Leave the kids on the street when you got bladdered. Shut the kids in their bedroom or the garden. Even the people meant to help - foster carers, etc etc - were abusing. No one was really bothered in those days. I don’t think DBS checks existed. I once went to a foster house that had 10 children placed there. My best friend from school is in jail, so is another classmate. A handful didn’t see twenty five.
I had to deal with my mum’s illnesses from as young as I can remember - I’ve been told the first awareness I showed was 18 months. I was her carer from six years old. I went through things I would never wish on my worst enemy - suicide attempts etc. I didn’t sleep much and was always extremely anxious.
I got bullied to hell and back. Kids know who’s vulnerable!
My sibling and I both ended up with diagnoses (autism, dyspraxia etc) and mental health issues on both sides. I piled on the weight, she had/has behaviours that challenge.
I worked very hard at school. I even got a special payment from a charity to keep going because I showed aptitude. And when I qualified for an EMA I saved every penny. I went to uni still full time caring for mum. I got a degree with support from a lovely few adults/agencies.
I worked full time for three years and went back to uni. My life went very pear shaoed and since I went back, I lost all my remaining grandparents and my mum effectively to a dementia diagnosis. It took me six years to get my mum diagnosed. I went through hell and back and so did she. I ended up very unwell myself and made an attempt. I got help from external agencies and wider family, now in the position of not having parents I could rely on.
I got help, and I got my second degree. I got a full time job - a proper, qualified job where people respect me and listen to my thoughts. I have a decent rented flat, a steady income and I’m very proud of myself. I very much hope my parents would be too.
But I only got this far because of state benefits given to my mum - and help and support. Kind people and money from the government. I’ve used it to better myself and achieve things. I still awe at the fact that I have radiators I can use, and can buy luxuries. I struggle to know how to budget!!, but I get there.
My mum never could use the money to get better. I so so wish I could and it hurts me incredibly that I can’t use what I have now to help her.
Many, many, many people on benefits will have a similar story to me. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, at all, because I’m (mostly) OK now and I think I do alright most of the time.
But it hurts and panics when you see hundreds of strangers arguing on a daily basis over whether people like your mum should have been able to do better in life. I’m not ashamed of my parents. They had a rotten luck in life and they did their very best. I don’t think I should walk around bowing to taxpayers for the fact that I had a warm bed. It seems to me that societies should always respect and support the vulnerable as best they can.
I recognise that there is waste, but so there is in all other sectors of public spending too. It just seems to be flavour of the month to attack those of us who can’t always defend ourselves.
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t tell my colleagues. Even my family don’t know the half.
But I do want people to think before they speak (type!) and consider there are actual human beings reading your words. Our lives are not and should not be your entertainment on a Tuesday night.