Just in utter despair ... over EVERYTHING! House, health, parents ...

[DaughterOfSqualor]

I just need a vent. And I never start threads in Chat! (no idea why, I just don't think I ever have. I've been on MN since 2006... and this thread is revealing as hell and I don't want anyone I know in RL spotting me, so I'm using my disguise. )

I'm 51, in perimenopause. On HRT which never seems to have done all that much - except, just perhaps, thicken my womb lining. That was picked up in a transvag scan a few weeks ago and because of my typical bleed pattern (as in, has been that way for years and years) I'm now on an urgent 2 week wait to have a hysteroscopy (under a GA, hope that doesn't hold things up too long). Yay.

My parents are becoming a real source of concern. My dad lives in Lisbon and my mother has never been able to engage with the tedious bureaucratic process to get her post-Brexit paperwork sorted out so although they've been married forever and he's dual nationality, she doesn't have the magic pieces of Portuguese paperwork to prove that she, as a wife of a citizen, should be able to stay in the country as long as she needs to. Which means she has to count her days in an EU country and can't overstay more than 90 days in 180. So that means ...

... that when my increasingly confused and doddery dad has an 'episode' and falls, she might not be in the country to help him. He lives alone in a biggish house, they are emotionally tied to that house (with all the stairs) because of the colony of feral cats they feed and neuter. Yes. So he never comes back to the UK and she goes back and forth. He's 81/2, she's about to turn 79. Both with mobility issues. I was there in January to help after a fall. Yesterday he had another funny turn that luckily has resolved but yesterday evening was spent in 4 way convos with relatives over there, my brother, my mum, the hospital... incredibly stressful. The GP I saw for anxiety yesterday morning said my BP was 'quite high'...!

I am at my wit's end. They reject most suggestions of how to work this out. He very clearly needs either live-in or very regular help at home, or to live in some sort of supported living. No, I wouldn't want that either, not after a lifetime of being independent. My brother and I just get stone-walled when we try to talk about this situation (oh, and my brother lives in the US...) or a lot of hysterical recriminations. And told it 'makes them ill' to talk about this. Okaaaay.

... and my house seems to be crumbling around my ears. We have a persistent leak between an extension and the original building (bog standard 1920's ex-council semi) which I'm tearing my hair out to get diagnosed. Where is the fecking water getting in?? We have ideas but as with so many leaks, you just have to work your way down a list of Most Likely Offenders until it stops! The money.... The render needs redoing too. And currently have roofers in the shared valley (sub-sub-contracted by the local housing assoc who own the semi next door) who are laying lead in the valley and just told me that OUR roof battens and beams under the tiles (they had to remove in order to lay lead) are rotten and woodwormed! And they are, I got them to take pics on my phone and I've seen the battens they're removing. Very kindly, they are replacing those battens that they need to replace our tiles onto, otherwise they can't get the job done that they were contracted to do.

So. We need a new roof, ours is apparently about to fall in. We need to find the extension leak and fix it. Re-render. Sort out a care plan for my dad in another country and another language (not to mention entirely different culture when it comes to caring for the elderly, I already feel VERY guilty for not having him live with me!) and sort out my mum's paperwork without her cooperation so she's allowed to reside in the same house as her husband. I have to have a general in the next few weeks and a camera and biopsy put up my foof, and I may have endometrial cancer.

I mean. There are other things going on (I'm probably going to have to cancel my participation in a local arts exhibition where I sell things, as I'm running out of time and am stressed out of my head; my older son is going through some shit I think; my younger son is severely autistic and always complicates anything - having to run to Lisbon for an emergency, having repairs or building works done, needing to attend a hospital appointment that I'll have to be picked up from, etc) but these are the big three.

I don't know what I want from this chat. Just wanted to vent. Because honestly, it feels like everything is crumbling around me and I can't stop crying.

🫂 unmumsnetty hugs to you OP 💐

If it helps, we had similar 4-5 years ago. Newborn baby, overseas, parents cancer, own illness, My business crazy busy, dh lost job start covid, house was half finished. Etc. you don’t know where to start

What actually helped was realising I couldn’t do everything. I couldn’t be everywhere. Going outside for walks helps a lot as your away from trying to do everything at once. Then prioritising what you can actually do, what will have to wait, and what someone else can help with

Hugs! It doesn’t rain, it pours, doesn’t it!
Sort out a loan for the roof, seems like the most urgent thing you can actually do something about.
Take a trip to Lisbon with your eldest, you’d have the journey to chat uninterrupted and he can help whilst there. My parents are in the same predicament, and refusing to do something sensible about it all. I nominated my middle brother to deal with all that when we were younger and he was/is the golden child. I just tell him what to do 😂. Got around that by renouncing part of a house that went to all of us, I said he can have it, not interested, but he has to deal with them when it starts going haywire, which now it has.

Ask a friend for a lift from the hospital, recovery closes at 8 pm where I am, if you’re on the afternoon list it would be ok.

And breathe. Let the dice fall where they will, you’ll get through it.

Ie in your senario, is there someone in Lisbon that can be first contact if there’s a problem?
I think you need to talk straight to them and say they have to have a handy man for basics, and someone local to help with medical appointments or home life like a housekeeper or cleaner or combo. So your time if kept for actual visits and not to fix a tap or checking medicine dosage.

Easy for a stranger to say I know but you need to prioritise yourself for the next 6 weeks at least. Tell your parents and brother that you're dealing with a major health issue and you'r not available for anything (including discussions, hearing about problems etc) until 1st May at the earliest.

Unless you have a husband or partner who can deal with it, the roof and the leak can wait until you're fitter.

Try to focus on what YOU need over the coming weeks and put yourself first, middle and last. Everything else can be put on ice and other people will either have to help you or leave you alone. 💐

Huge hugs, OP.

Right, make a list. Work out the top three priorities for your time & attention. Then the first bit of each of those tasks.
E.g: roof rotten.

• Find out how bad it is (e.g. get someone to look at it & quote)
• Find out how to finance it (e.g. insurance, mortgage extension and so on).

Once its down on paper, its out of my head and I feel much calmer. I also divvy up the load with my partner - can you do the same?

Regarding your parents, I'm going through similar with my grandparents. There's a huge element of "head in the sand" about this and as they are independent adults, there's a limit to what you can do for them. Tell you parents clearly (by text or email if necessary, so you can refer back), what they need to do, what you are prepared to do, and what is likely to happen if not.

• They will disagree.
• You will step back.
• It will be fricking hard. However, they are adults with agency. If you keep picking up the pieces, they will continue to ignore the fallout (because you are absorbing it).

Whst you can do is be prepared for the next crisis: presumably your Dad in hospital.

In the meantime, have a cuppa and cake and jump on the cockroach cafe threads. There's a ton of people on there who are going through the same stress as you.

That seems like very sound advice.

I, like your mum, am married to an EU citizen. The 180 day rule does not apply if you are travelling with them. Your mum does not need to leave the country. Look it up. You don’t need to get your passport stamped as long as you go through together. This problem, at least, is easily sorted.

Poor you , that's a lot on your plate.

Re your mum and her residency, they should pay a professional in Lisbon to sort out the issue. There will be paperwork and your parents need to understand it has to happen. You wouldn't be able to do it yourself without a power of attorney, I don't think, but a local professional could. There are a few when I googled but this link sets out what is required: EU Registration & Family Reunification Portugal | Portugal Residency Advisors

If your father is in the health system which I presume he is, then there may well be help available in Portugal like social worker/ healthcare worker visits (there is in Spain). Again, something they need to ask about.

Overall, I think they need to understand that as they chose to live in Portugal, they need to take action now as they age. Could you set this out in an email to them? You need to set boundaries here, you will help but they need to do their bit too.

Good luck, I know how tricky it is to have elderly relatives abroad. But you can't pour from an empty cup!

You need to put your foot down with your mother. Write this all down in a letter and send it to her. She is being a bit selfish in assuming you will pick up all of the pieces. I’ve found that when selfish people realise you are not available to come at their command they can come up with a plan B very quickly.

I was about to suggest this but I'm not convinced that applies if they are resident rather than travelling, even EU citizens need to register after 3 months if they are intending to remain here as residents (rather than long term visitors). Moving to Portugal - gov.pt

From the OP's post, her mother goes back and forth while the father remains, so they don't actually travel together.

I hear you, and also send big hugs 🤗.

As we get older and so do our parents I’ve realised just how bloody selfish they are, and also act like stubborn children.

My mother in law has a place in the UK and also in Northern Cyprus, she is 80 and doesn’t have a will, she also has no deeds for the place in Cyprus. It fell upon my husband and myself to sort out his dads estate when he passed (parents divorced many years ago). He also had no will and it took a year before we could sell his property due to probate (in the UK).

I’ve spoken to her just the other week about the will situation, especially the property abroad. There are 5 siblings but we seem to be the most capable at sorting SHIT out, and the others hold their hands out for their cut after doing fuck all to help 🤨

I have come to the conclusion that the place in Cyprus can go whistle, really don’t care what happens to it to be honest, a fucking nightmare.

I’m 58 and we have a will so our daughter doesn’t have the SHIT fest that we’ve been left with by utterly selfish parents. They don’t even have to pay for a will, just leave a legacy with the charity that offers free will services. We paid a solicitor as we have a business which complicates things.

It’s so unfair that they are causing you so much stress, even being in the same country as them is difficult. I quite often play music from my younger days, the eighties, and reminisce an era where life was so much simpler. I’m doing it now as I type this response.

I wish you all the best, I really do, because I know we are going to be in such a predicament with my selfish mother in law, wishing you all the best, take care, 💐

yes, you've got that right - dad never moves (I very much doubt he'll ever come 'home' to the UK now, Lisbon IS his home really and what small enjoyments he has come from his familiar setting, going out for nice local food, seeing the odd (equally old) friend etc

And we found out about the whole 'EU citizens need to register after 3 months' thing retrospectively - so basically when mum was still an EU cit she was still breaking the law! But I very much doubt anyone is going to come after her for that now.

Sorry, that sounds shit

I'm not going to suggest solutions, because you sound like a very intelligent and capable person who's likely already thought of them

What I will suggest is what my therapist suggests to me when I'm in overwhelm (which it sounds like you are, rightly so): you need to prioritise the urgent/ important stuff and the rest either park for later or do the bare minimum to get by. Now is the time to lower your standards in whatever area in which they are lowerable.

Also, brain dump all the stuff that is overwhelming you. On paper. Just write out all the shit that you need to do/ deal with/ fix. Doesn't need to be coherent. It's not writing a plan. It's just getting it all out of your head. This will help.

You will get through this.

Wow, thank you all so much! Your comments have really helped. I think I'm going to get out of this house, the sunshine is gorgeous today, and have a walk. Might need to put something round my eyes as I look exactly like an overweight 51 year old woman who's been crying a lot!

To respond to a few suggestions:

I'd like to take my older son out there but sort of don't want to expose him to things - the state of the place when my mum's not been there a while, and just the sadness of it. He does get to see my dad over summer. He's very studious and couldn't cope with being taken away from his a-levels (in his 1st year).

There is a lot of family over there, but some of them my dad doesn't seem to be on terms with right now... My two cousins have helped a bit with past emergencies but we think they're putting their feet down now and I can't blame them - they also have their own decrepit father to care for. And I think they can see that if they're my backstop, then I'm less likely to get a move on and sort things out myself. Just as if I'm my mother's backup, she isn't moving to get anything done or put in place ... I know there needs to be some tough love here. Last night, in fact, I reached out to a young cousin on the side of the family we've not been in much contact with, and she was SO lovely and helpful. I'm hoping I can ask her for some pointers and contacts about getting some sort of care plan. I hate making this someone else's problem too, though.

I definitely do need a go-to man in Lisbon. I think there's a sort of handyman they use - someone has come round to fix things, sometimes... I sort of need an occasional PA out there who can sort things out, but I just don't have the money for that.

I do have a lovely friend who has offered to take me from/to the hospital if my DH can't, assuming she's available. And I'm sure I could probably call on at least one other local friend to help with that.

I'm going to gird my loins and start getting roofing quotes (again ... we HAD the roofers here in Jan to re-felt the flat roof and porch! The work was ok but in the process they seem to have done something to the apparent very delicate balance of no leak/leak, and since then the leak has been appalling in very rainy weather. They say it's not their fault, to keep a long story short.). I will continue with the other quotes we're getting for other work. We'll have to extend the mortgage I think - it's sickening as because I had a small house I sold when DH and I combined our forces, our mortgage is on the small side by now. And I don't work (mostly DS2 issues). Think I need a job!

Sounds like a plan! Only one thing leaps out at me from your update, and that's you mentioning that YOU don't have the money for a Lisbon PA. They should be funding any help!

Hmmm. Yes, they need to fund PA help and get a plan in place for the next fall (it's 'when not 'if.')

The right job might function as a mental escape for you; it can be hellish going around in circles at home when you've got two generations partially dependent on you. Forgive me; I know all autistic people are different - how independent is DS2?

Either way, it's an idea but it should not be a pressure.

oh, he's not. Actually, I think he'd do pretty well if he went feral, he's very good at raiding cupboards and breaking into (and out of) places, but no - he's got significant LDs too and is at a great special school. And there is VERY little respite available round here - currently trying to get a social worker allocated which will allow us to apply for respite care...

yes, parents need to fund this - but have no disposable income (not enough anyway) so I feel like me and my brother will have to fund things to get them going. Sorting out property over there would free up funds to employ someone but that's going to be a huge job and is our 'middle-distance' plan.

I think you need to step back from your parents while you sort out your health, your roof and your children. They are not helping themselves so tell them you are struggling and they need to sort these issues with your Dads mobility and your mums residency themselves. It sounds like they are sticking their heads in the sand but you shouldn’t have to deal with it. Let your brother or them sort it out.

@OP is your parents have been married longer than 5 years Portuguese citizenship is very easy to get! Look into it.