Only child dying extreme anxiety

[Surferosa]

I hope this doesn't upset anyone by posting this.

I've been going round in circles about wanting a 2nd child. My dc is nearly 3 and I suffered extreme anxiety/post natal depression after he was born. The first year of his life was a very dark time for me.

However I think my reasons for a 2nd child are based on fear rather than want for one. This sounds awful but I have extreme anxiety about my child dying and think if I had a 2nd one at least I'd still be a mum. I think about constantly, what if they were to die? I don't know how I'd survive the pain and at least people say other kids make something worth living for. I also worry then if I got old and had no family around me.

I know having a 2nd would probably overwhelm me and I'd find it hard to cope with the sleepless nights again and juggling both needs. But then I think about something happening to my dc and feel absolutely bereft.

I almost wish someone could just guarantee they will be OK. I have a counselling appointment this week but not until the weekend and I'm on anti depressants but I don't know where else to turn. I almost can't sleep and being sick with the anxiety. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mum due to this overwhelming fear of loss.

The issue isn’t having an only child, it’s your poor MH. Work on that by any means necessary, and put having another child you don’t actually want out of your head.

I really hope you get the help you need.

This sounds so hard for you. I also have an only child and I don't think that having a second would make up for the pain if he died. Like the PP I think you need to tackle your anxiety and mental health, as having another child will not solve this.

Thank you. I've messaged my counsellor go see if I can get an appointment. I almost don't know how to function with these thoughts.

I am only posting because I suspect that you are going to get a lot of harsh comments telling you that you are selfish, and to get a grip. However, I want you to know you aren’t the only one who has ever felt this, and even though we know it is irrational, I think it speaks to something quite primal, that something is threatening us and our family.

You already know that your anxiety is driving this. Can I gently suggest that you speak to your GP about starting a low dose of something to help get you over this low point, as well as the counselling?

Take care of yourself. Get some sunshine on your face x

(Also kudos to all the PP before me who all have said sensible things.)

You are doing brilliantly by getting g the help you need and I really hope that goes well for you. Engage with everything they offer you
Please don’t have another child. You’re not well enough. In time you will be much stronger.
Good luck

Aww sorry OP. I also had severe anxiety around death after I had my daughter and was in a panic everyday. I didn’t speak to anyone about it or think it was pnd at the time. Please go and speak to your GP, I wish I had xx

I don't think your thoughts are unusual. I've thought the same, and I would imagine it crosses the minds of other mums of only children from time to time. I don't think you're odd or wrong for thinking this

But the intensity of the anxiety around this and distress it's causing you sound disabiling. And you know, rationaly that it's not a reason to have a second child. And also that with your mental health where it is right now, you're not well enough to add another child into the picture.

I hope you're able to get the help you need. Are you on any medication to help alongside the talking therapy?

OP, it’s not unheard of. One of my friends lost their DC (only child). Then, as often happens to marriages when they are put under this strain, they divorced.

Having said that, having a baby for that scenario might not be the best idea—my friend would have still lost her child, which is the ultimate heartbreak, and likely would have still ended her marriage.

There is some great therapy for anxiety. I would look at doing that. Mindfulness can really help too. Good luck. 💐

The thing is, if anything happened to dc1 you would STILL feel bereft. Having a DC2 at that point wouldn't solve or save you from pain.

I think you need to tackle the intrusive thoughts about DC1 before you're able to even think about another baby. It sounds to me like you need some specialist help and that you're still in the throes of some PND. Bless you lass, I hope you can get some help to feel at peace x

Thank you all for your kind words. I really don't want to sound selfish or insensitive. My husband lost a brother as a baby and I know that the grief is unimaginable whether you have other children or not and I'm not trying to say I'd have it worse by losing an only child. It's just something that plays on my mind.

I'm already on a low dose of fluoxetine but will phone my GP today. They have been very supportive in the past.

Don’t worry, we know you aren’t selfish or insensitive. You are in pain, and normal worries are becoming intrusive or overwhelming. Good plan to discuss with your GP.