How would you tell a kid to deal with low-level bullying?

[AlmondMango]

DS is in Year 9 (age 13-14) at a very small rural high school. He's a quiet and generally anxious kid but has made a small group of friends. His group is composed of a few boys like him and they are collectively a bit of a target for the more confident students. He's getting a lot of unkind comments from a group of girls, and it's generally low-level but it makes him feel bad. It's mockery, repeating things he says in a silly voice or pretending to mishear him, just being unpleasant really. His tactic is to ignore it, but it does upset and frustrate him. His self esteem isn't great anyway. He has reported the worst stuff to teachers but been brushed off, and when I've raised it with the headteacher - a specific incident of really foul language - I was also brushed off because no teachers heard it so the head wouldn't act, though did say that staff would be 'vigilant'. In practice though, nothing is changing and it is getting him down. Because it's such a small school, there is no respite from the offenders as they're in all the same lessons.

I don't see a practical solution - I think this sort of insidious stuff is difficult for schools to tackle and it gets ignored. I feel like some of the solution has to be in developing his resilience and finding ways to raise his self esteem out of school. What worries me right now is that his motivation in school has taken a real nosedive and I understand that - it's hard to focus on doing well with that going on and he feels discouraged and demoralised. While he is a very high attainer, he is starting to really switch off and has acknowledged that himself.

I'm trying to find him other things out of school that he can do and enjoy and that make him feel good about himself, getting outdoors and going to interesting places. In school, my advice to him really is to grey rock the bullies - just keep ignoring them, don't give them any reaction. I just feel so sorry for him every day having to sit and listen to a stream of unkind comments that tell him he's weird and making fun of him.

Is there anything more I should be doing, or any better advice I can give him?

This doesn’t sound low level

and the school sounds shite

What I mean by low-level is that it isn't physical and it isn't online (none of them have his number, he's not on social media). When he leaves school, he's got a respite from it. So I guess what I mean is, there are ways in which it could be more of an immediate or consuming threat - but it's grinding him down slowly.

The school is shit at dealing with it and I'm really frustrated. I do think he'd suffer more at a bigger school and he does have friends here so I wouldn't think of moving him - he doesn't want to move because of this. I just don't know how to get the school to be more proactive about this.

If this was happening in the workplace after a few months people would be on antidepressants and taking stress leave. Bullying has a huge impact and it takes ages to undo the damage, I don’t know if I would be trying to get my kid to just put up with it. Having said that I don’t expect the school to take any action either so I don’t know the answer

I think his parent to stop even thinking of it as low level would be a good start
it sounds bloody awful

how small of this school?

are you close to any of the parents of the other boys in his group?m
surely you all know one another is very small rural community

US?

Yes, this is exactly what I've been thinking! It would be detrimental to anyone's mental health to put up with this - but I can't see what I can do except perhaps keep on at the school about it in the hope that they will do something to address the casual cruelty of a few mean kids. These are high-achieving and outwardly well-behaved girls so the school is just not interested in disciplining them or changing their behaviour. So all I can think of from a practical point of view is reinforcing with him that there is nothing wrong with him or how he is and that some people are just unkind but that what they say to him isn't the truth.

UK. Independent school, so kids travel to it from different areas and there isn't a parent community as such. I do know his friends' parents a little. And I don't say to him that it's a low-level thing or not a big deal. Better phrasing would have been if I'd said 'insidious bullying' or 'under the radar bullying' maybe? As in, not the kind of bullying where there's bruises or written threats/written taunting if you see what I mean? I think the school would act if there was violence or if they were sending him these comments on his phone so I had clear-cut evidence. This is muttered stuff in class which is harder to prove and easier for the school to dismiss and that's the distinction I wanted to make. Not implying that I think it doesn't matter - I'm actually very worried.

School need to sort this or he needs to change schools.

I’d move him op

even if the girls stop, the staff have showed themselves to be useless

All bullying is damaging. Get the school to address it, as it will not just be your son that's a target, bullies spread their venom widely.

I think ignoring it is hard because then they target more, but so hard when sone kids that are kind hearted to stick up for themselves

There are definitely a couple of other targets. I'll speak to their parents and see if they will raise it with the school with me and if that's more effective. Right now, I think moving would cause him more distress than staying and also it's so unfair for him to be driven out because of this - but I do have to think of the medium and long term impact on his mental health of staying.

Ironically, this is a school which many students join after being bullied out of previous schools because it has a really good reputation for pastoral care! I think it's declined in recent years.

Are there any teachers he gets on v well with he could perhaps talk to? What does he like- could outdoor/ d of e type stuff help him build confidence? Volunteering?
or if he’s more of a geek coding clubs etc? Music?

Are there governors at independent schools?

He is actually doing all three of those things! I hope it helps with his confidence; I have been trying to build it all his life and he has always been a worrier and very shy. The teacher he got on best with left last year unfortunately and his form tutor who was excellent got moved to a different year group.

Yes, there are. I'll see if the other parents of targeted kids will approach the Head with me and if we aren't happy with the response, I will write to the governors. This thread is making me realise there are more options than I thought.

He could still speak to his former tutor who may be able to give some guidance.

Hi OP, this sounds v similar to what my DS experienced, a few years back. I handled it by basically slating the perpetrators to my DS (ie not shying away from calling out the fact they were all little bastards), reminding my DS he was above all that, encouraging him to feel superior and constant re-assurance they will eventually pick on someone else - all true. I also put emphasis on the future, that he will leave the school, progress, find his people etc. whereas they will be saddo little shits with saddo existences

The school should have a policy on safeguarding and bullying. Look it up and use their words against them. You want everything in writing and start keeping a diary now of any events. Your DS should also take notes of what happens whilst it is fresh in his mind.

Even if school follow up with a phone call you want to follow that up with an email to recap the phone conversation. You can instal an app on your phone to record all phone calls automatically so you are able to transcribe the conversation accurately.

Use their policy wording against them and state that in their policy it states XYZ. Don't let anything drop, keep on at them. If you need to follow their complaints procedures to the letter.

My eldest Ds had what we termed drive by comments, nasty, shitty comments whilst walking past him and he reported it. Had to write a statement as did the other child. So even though it was a he said he said situation they took it very seriously and told the boy they would be keeping an eye on it. Fortunately it stopped it dead because he knew that Ds would report him if he did it again.

I do agree that you need to tell him hurt people hurt people. There must be something rather good about this set of boys that makes these other girls want to take them down. No person feeling chipper about themselves needs to put someone else down. Ds2 had a group of girls target his group of mates and did find that turning to his mate and saying you know they are right about Melanie aren't they with no other information was enough to make her realise it wasn't a one way street and perhaps people really disliked her. She turned bright red and they all stomped off. That stopped that situation.

You can still complain - the school must have a formal complaints process? And a safeguarding lead? Formally complain and ask what they are doing to safeguard him.

I also went to a small rural school where bullying was rife. I actually think it's worse as it seems like everyone is in on it.

I agree with @pancakestastelikecrepe . The best thing to do is to say to him: you will encounter petty bullies all your life. Everyone does. You can't change their behaviour, but you can choose how you respond to them. You can decide not to care because they are not worthy of your care. It takes practice so start now. Use this as practise to build your resilience.

First, think what qualities you admire in people. What behaviour makes you like someone? Respect them? Rate them? Then ask him to rate these bullies out of 10 for their behaviour, kindness, respect etc.

Then tell him next time they try to mock him, start to judge them. Focus on what you think of them not that they think of you. Do you scorn them? Dislike them? Are they beneath your contempt? Are they desperately seeking attention in a pathetic way? Get him to mentally ask himself: does this person deserve to be awarded any of my respect? If I don't like them, why do I care what they think? I care what good, kind people think and they don't make the grade.

Encourage him to discuss this attitude of resilience with other friends the bullies pick on. Get them to game the situation and maybe even have a private rating system of whether the behaviour is worthy of a response. This puts them in control of how they feel and gives them a higher status than the bully. Encourage them to think along the lines: 'You are mistaking me for someone who gives a toss what you think'.

Bullies can tell the difference between him ignoring them because he feels vulnerable and doesn't know what to do, and him ignoring them because they are not worthy of his attention.

It can take decades to learn this, but if he can train himself to decide he is judging the other person on their behaviour towards him, not reacting to their bullying, it will help him throughout life, with manipulative bosses, mates, partners.

To this day, if someone tries to bully me, I stop and think: I'm just trying to decide if I like you... oh yes, I don't, so your opinion is worthless to me. The only opinions that have the power to influence me are those of people whose behaviour I admire and respect.

And I would go to the governors, raise the issue of ineffective management if bullying and ask for clear action statements.

National Bullying Helpline has some good advice and resources for parents of those being bullied at school. Also the Childline website. I found these helpful when DD was being bullied

@WinterFoxesexactly - and articulated so much better than me!

I’d not pay for a school with such limited social opportunities & their small numbers will be a disincentive to dealing with bullying. Would move him somewhere bigger.