Not really sure where else to put this, but would appreciate some advice please.
Yesterday we found out that a close friend of my eldest DD had unexpectedly passed away. Don’t want to put too much here, more out of respect for the friend and their family, but they had a long-term condition which many people live with and have a normal life-span. This is a very rare outcome and otherwise friend is completely healthy. They have gone through high school together in the same friendship group, and they ended up at the same college doing the majority of the same subjects together. They’ve become closer friends since starting college, and DD changed into this friends classes a few weeks ago as she was struggling settling in. DD has found the college transition somewhat difficult and this friend is one of only two friends DD has at the college.
DD is, quite understandably, devastated. At first she didn’t want to believe it, she was told by other people they went to school with and she messaged me saying she was panicking and friend hadn’t messaged her at all through the day. It was then confirmed by an immediate family member. DDs best friend, also friends with friend, has then come over and stayed the night. I did talk to DD and offered comfort and support at the time, plus I’ve checked in with both of them overnight, but DD is such a closed person. She let me give her a hug but that’s about it and she wanted to withdraw as soon as possible.
It’s not her first brush with death unfortunately; she has dealt with the death of both grandfathers through suicide and cancer respectively (who were relatively quite young) as well as the death of other elderly family members. She struggles with her own mental health, has a history of self harm and has had a past abusive/coercive relationship. She knows DH and I are here for her whenever she needs, but I feel a bit useless and want to try support her the best I can. I wondered what the best way may be, as obviously I’ve gone through losses too but never of a close friend/someone so young.
I spent last night googling and researching, but also know I need to take a soft approach, because she can be so difficult to get to engage and open up. I’ve got the Talk Grief website ready for when she may be ready for that. I’d thought about suggesting her to write a letter to her friend at some point later down the line, which TalkGrief also suggests. I thought about putting a little box together for her to be kind to herself over the coming weeks, and trying to find a book. Of course I’ll be on hand to take her to the funeral when that is arranged. I will talk to college, but with friend being in the same subjects I don’t want to contact the lecturers yet, as they will know friend and won’t be aware of this yet. It’s not my place to communicate that, so I will wait on that one, but I don’t know how much DD will feel up to being at college this first week, as they spent lessons and frees together so I know it’s going to hit hard.
Any advice on this would be very much appreciated.