How do I disentangle my daughter from this “friend”?

[BinChicken1]

My daughter is 10. She has a friend at school who is very domineering and jealous and is basically very possessive of my daughter. She’s started making really mean remarks about any other girls my daughter plays with, making her feel like she can’t have any other friends. She’s not a bad little girl but she’s clearly very spoiled and a bit of a little madam really.

My daughter really doesn’t want to play with her any more. She’s become very anxious about this. But she’s quiet and shy and can’t seem to find it within her to start to distance herself (I want to work on this with her, I don’t really know how). For example, she doesn’t even have the courage to say she wants to play with someone else (and she says her friend would just follow her anyway). She’s very young for her age and just isn’t in a place where she is able to do this for herself.

I don’t make a habit of involving myself in her friendships. But my daughter is SO unhappy. is this something I speak to the school about because to be honest I’m not sure what her class teacher could realistically do about it.

id really appreciate some advice.

If it were me I’d definitely have a word with her teacher, even if only to ask her perspective and to see if she has any suggestions. I’d probably also try roleplaying with your daughter so that she has a road map for handling how difficult conversations might go, and really dig into what’s holding her back from pulling away from the friend who’s getting her down.

Possibly also looking into clubs for outside of school that might help her broaden her friendship group and build her confidence?

It is such a difficult age though, I remember it so well. I’m sorry she’s dealing with it

I don’t want to be discouraging but don’t be surprised if the teacher claims never to have noticed any dynamic and might even insist she’s seen the exact opposite of what you describe, and don’t be surprised if she takes action that makes the entire situation 10 times worse. There’s a reason kids are refusing to go to school.

As @Happyinarcon says, I’ve also been there, done that. The teacher refused to see the dynamic and treated me like one of “those” parents. It then escalated to my DDs “friend” isolating my DD from everyone and trying to scoop up all of the other friends for herself. My DD ended up completely isolated and bullied and went into her shell. Children like this can change from possessive best friend to bullying in the blink of an eye, but my children’s school weren’t interested. They won’t use the word ‘bully’ and do “restorative justice” to resolve things. How my children’s school implemented that was for the bully to give a sob story about themselves and put the onus on the victim (my child) to forgive them 🙄. The “friend” then went onto bully others in the class.
I hope you have better luck.

Invite as many of the other girls as possible to do things with your daughter after school, like to your house, or to do anything as a group...get to know the parents... help your daughter to find a new social group and that should give her more confidence to stand up to her "friend".

I agree with this. Find a new group for her to join and meet new friends outside of school, and also I’d organise play dates with other girls from school at home. If it continued I would ask for a meeting at school to discuss this bullying behaviour and I would request a meeting with the other girls parent present probably.

I’d try the teacher as agood teacher will help. And yes invite other kids round and try to increase social network outside of school

You need to inform the teacher. They can then possibly work with the other girl to support her in learning this isn't the way to keep friends. Sadly you never know what is going on in that child's home and how the parents set an example of a loving relationship.

Clearly she wants to keep your DD as her friend but is going the wrong way about it. I saw this first hand in a classroom and luckily the school had a great SEMH (social and emotional mental health) team who could work with children to understand threats and nasty behaviour doesn't keep a friendship going.

I also agree with play dates with other children to reinforce her friendships with other classmates. Hopefully you and your DH/DP have a good relationship and you can talk to your DD about how you would never be mean to your DH/DP to get what you want and vice versa. Examples of good relationships can also be found in books or tv shows and you can say ooh that is a lovely friend etc and explain why that person is so she understands healthy friendships.

My DD had a friend like this in Y5 and 6. DD was stuck with an overbearing friend and wendied when she started making new friends. I made it clear to DD I didn't like her friend and that she was being treated badly but she stuck with her. I encouraged other friends and had them over when she was making new friends. I'd never go to the school unless it moved into actually bullying.

They ended up going to different high schools and friend moved on to other girls that were going to the same school before the end of Primary. It was an extremely valuable lesson for DD to learn what so called friends can actually be like. She ended up with another similar one in high school for a spell but she's now an excellent judge of character after those life lessons she experienced.

We had a slightly similar issue is year 1, we encouraged friendships with the boys as well as other girls and invited anyone else she spoke about round for playdates and organised group meet ups in the park. With school I regularly went in to speak to teacher and also kept a log of incidents.
Different at age 10, but I'd do similar, do any go to the park locally? Now its sunny hang out there. Get her in local holiday clubs, guides or clubs.
Agree with the role playing PP mentioned above, DD has learnt some excellent techniques over the years by doing this.

I would speak to the school and call it bullying. Trouble is, they will most likely move your dd to another class and she will feel isolated. Or try to underplay in my experience.

The school could do a life skills on this behaviour. Your dd won't be the only one.

Role playing, agree with her the girl is mean, chat about how to handle it every day, talk about secondary and you can request they are not in the same class.

Don't have the friend round, don't let dd go there. Block her on the mobile if your dd has one. Ask the teacher to change the seating plan.

New hobby in a group like climbing or horse riding. Confidence building and new friends.

Don't talk to the mum or friend. Don't get involved at that level. If mum says anything like have x and x fallen out just say how they seem to like lots of friends at that age. If she invites dd say no busy.

What a nasty post.

Wow I could have written this. My daughter also 10 has the same problem. My daughters very quiet but has spoken to the teacher. But then the friend talks about her to her other friends. Luckily they are really good friends and they tell her what's said.

Will your DD be starting secondary school in September? If so, did they get places at the same one?

Interesting. I’ve had the opposite experience. Teachers who have done all they can. Changing a seating plan, pairing them with others for activities , keeping an eye on things at playtime. Supporting both kids with conversations about healthy friendships and talking to the whole class to avoid blame and highlighting one particular child.
I would advise talking to the teacher and trying to work as a team.

My DD had very similar this time last year. Friend was very possessive; didn’t want DD to be friends with anyone else (because friend found it difficult to make friends and didn’t want to be on her own). She also used DD as an emotional support person. School said they’d encourage other friendships but didn’t really do anything

I made sure they went to different secondary schools. My DD is now doing brilliantly at the new school with only a handful of children from primary. ‘Friend’ went to the more local one with everyone from primary. And I’ve heard from mum that she’s really struggling with friendships and school. I feel sorry for her but feel like if anyone had listened to me she could have been helped before now

My advice would be help her ride it out for now and then a different school!