I’m reaching out for some advice regarding my sibling, who is 30 years old and still lives at home with our parents. He is single and likely has autism, in addition to being diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago. He has faced struggles throughout his life.
Currently, he works with our dad in the family business, but they have a complicated, love-hate relationship, with each feeling like they’re doing the other a favor. He has no financial responsibilities.
Some of the ongoing issues are:
He resents our parents for pressuring him to study. While they encouraged him, they also told him to study only if he wanted to, which in hindsight may have been confusing, as he wasn’t capable of studying in the traditional sense. We’ve encouraged him to try therapy, but he refuses and seems stuck in his current state.
He feels like other family members have had an easier life (he often points to them) and this adds to his sense of entitlement.
He struggles with day-to-day tasks, such as taking food into his bedroom and leaving it there for months, not completing laundry (though sometimes obsessively washes just one item of clothing), and being chronically late for work. He often doesn’t eat but then binge-eats, and he only wears 2-3 items of clothing consistently.
One of the more recent incidents involves my dad buying him an expensive car, since he didn’t have any savings for one. Initially, my sibling preferred using public transport and said he didn’t want a cheap car. Feeling sorry for him, my dad bought him a car of his choice. Unfortunately, he crashed it but lied about the incident. When the insurance payout came through, he claimed it hadn’t and spent the money. Eventually, the truth came out, and my dad ended up covering the cost and buying him another car of the same value. Instead of being appreciative or saying nothing at all, he says “so what, there’s people driving around in cars worth x amount”
Most recently, his car was so dirty that maggots were found in it, and dad cleaned it for him. Mum also found months old food in his bedroom, became very upset, but removed it for him.
We all feel for him and want to help, but we are unsure how to approach this. If we continue picking up the pieces for him, how will he ever take responsibility for his own life? My parents are also worried that if they ask him to leave and live alone, he might end up in an even worse situation, given the struggles he’s had while living at home.
Can you please offer some advice on the best approach to take? Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
I appreciate there’s a lot to unpack.
P.s he has been prescribed adhd medication but does not take it consistently as he doesn’t think it helps. We however feel it does help and he seems more settled whilst taking it.