DD's social issues - very upsetting

[Ongoingschoolissues]

I NC for this one but I posted on here last year about DD's social issues at school. DD (now 7) was severely bullied last year by a girl who used to be her best friend (kicking, name calling, hair pulling, saying mean things about her to other girls etc). DD is suspected of mild ASD but no diagnosis.

We weren't aware of what was going on until she developed school anxiety which was completely out of character. School got involved, little bully left the school and the country. All good.

Back in Sept she made a new friend in her class. They were very close, although I could see this new friend was very domineering and DD just had to follow her around. She'd not allow DD to play with anyone else and would pull her away all the time by her coat/dress/cardigan, which is against the playground rules. Occasionally she'd say something unkind, talk down on her, and DD said one day that she is not her friend anymore and she had to talk to her teacher about it. She felt alone again and with no one to play with at break time.

There was another girl in DDs class who never made any friends at school. Her mum was very worried about that and so I asked her to approach DD in the playground. They played a few times, this girl asked DD if she'd like to be her 'best friend' and she seemed very keen. She came over for a playdate to our house and she was very sweet, although a bit hyper and DD struggled a bit to keep up with her. Going back to school after that playdate, DD didn't seem to play much with this girl and said she couldn't find her/couldn't see her in the playground. I did notice that things have changed a bit. The last few week DD has been very upset again and after a bit of digging I found out this new girl is constantly harassing her, shouting at her that she doesn't want to be her friend, particularly enjoys doing it in front of a group. Yet, she still chases DD in the playground saying silly things and not leaving her alone. That's how the bullying started last year too. She'd chase DD and not leave her alone. I'm DEVASTATED!

I cannot believe we are noticing the same pattern with all these girls and I have no idea what to do. DD is a tall and strikingly beautiful girl, shines academically, but she has zero social confidence!!! The school reports always say that she is a pleasure to teach, her maturity shines through and she sets a good example to her peers, yet she is a constant target for bullying.

She's in an all girls school with 17 girls in the class.

I told DD we must stop this "best friend at school' nonsense and I'm encouraging her to make more friends outside school. She's desperate for social interaction.

I couldn't sleep last night, I feel lost seeing DD constantly suffering and being targeted like that. I know a lot of girls have a rough time at school but I think it knocks DD a bit harder.

Any stories/advice would very welcome.

That’s a really small class and all girls sounds challenging on a socialising level - my daughter struggled socially but luckily goes to a large school with boys and girls so always managed to find a couple people she got along with.

honestly at this point is it worth considering another school? A total reset might help.

New school.

There’s a bad dynamic which isn’t changing for her. I’d move her to a different school, after a natural break (eg Easter) and spend the time in between coaching her on making friends and standing up for herself m.

My dd is older and struggled at times. I would really recommend doing some extra curricular things like martial arts, brownies or scouts, drama, St John's ambulance. It gives them more friends, one or two of whom might be at school, stops them dwelling and gives a sense of belonging. It also increases confidence.

DD's friend had a particularly bad time with friends at school but has done remarkably well thanks to her mum filling her time with activities.

It comes down to confidence to some extent. If they can counter nasty comments, they're less likely to get them again. Things like Judo build confidence.

How awful for you both, I’m so sorry. I’d move her. And get her into some clubs to grow her confidence and broaden her circle for potential friends and acquaintances - performing arts or a team sport, martial arts or something. I really hope things improve 💐💐💐

It sounds tough and we all want the best for our children so it’s difficult seeing them socially isolated etc. Kids can be so unkind at times. I know there isn’t anything you can do about it now if she’s at an all girls school but it might be worth considering a mixed school for secondary for this very reason.

Im my experience as an adult females groups are by nature harder work and can be more bitchy, jealous, always a drama and I’d prefer to work with a bunch of males as opposed to a bunch of females. Having said that I much prefer female company and don’t have male friends and I’m very much a ‘girly girl’ and always have been.

When my own kids were that age it was the girls causing the drama, always. Couldn’t just play nicely, that just seems to be the common theme and the not the exception. As they get older, again the boys are ok, it’s the drama of the girls in teenage years as
well but obviously in different ways. I‘M not speaking specifically about my own DD experience because she wasn’t affected by it directly but she’d tell me about all the bickering going on etc and friends that would share their experiences.

I can’t really offer any advice but iIt’s wanted to say it’s unlikely to be something your DC has done or said. Perhaps there is an element of jealousy. I would speak to the teacher and ask her to keep an eye on it.

My first thought was how is she being taught to play this role in the dynamic - because it’s happening with more than one child. You’ll always get bullying and domineering people but the other half of the dynamic is how the other person responds. Have you thought about play therapy for her to work through assertiveness and boundaries? Moving her will just kick the problem down the line.

I would change school. That doesn't sound at all typical from our DDs experience, one is autistic and has had nothing but kindness from most of the girls at school, and the fews issues of mean comments were quickly dealt with by teachers and those children are now kind to her too.
At 7 it's so abnormal I would wonder if there's an issue with the families the school is attracting, or the teachers supervision and attitude. Definitely wouldn't let her keep missing out on a positive school experience by remaining there.

I would also change schools if its an option. thats a small class and unlikely that the dynamic will change much. New children at primary schools are welcomed with open arms in my experience and she'll likely slot into a group really quickly x

I agree with looking into changing schools but I would also work on increasing your DD's social confidence outside of school. Take her to out-of-school clubs and to playgrounds so she can develop more confidence (including more physical confidence - nothing beats playground time for encouraging children's physical skills) and her own interests without the pressure of school and school friends.

People focus too much on school and the school group imo when the skills to rub along with others and be confident standing your own ground when playing are often best learned in less structured and pressured environments out of school where there is family support.

I would also consider a school move and this isn't something I would say lightly. I would go for a larger school with mixed entry. More than 1 form per year means any issues are easily sorted in terms of moves but also girls can be so mean and your daugher may find she makes friends more with a mixed group or with a group with more boys. Both myseld and my daughter had more boys who were friends and I think for both of us it comes down to boys are less 'drama'.

Being tall isn’t necessarily a social advantage for girls the way it can be for boys.

I think she needs some emotional literacy support, more opportunities to learn to play with other children and as others have said, a new school.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all your advice. We did think about moving schools but have not looked into it yet as DD, aside from the social issues, loves her school.

She has a few friends outside school but they don't live locally and so we only see them once in a while. She also has a few after school clubs in school which she is very keen on so having more clubs outside school would be a bit too much for now. I'm trying to cancel some of them and free up some time for doing something outside school.

She is very able physically and likes climbing, trampolining. She also always play with kids in playgrounds, she's very friendly and social.

At school she is a rule follower and apparently you are not allowed to retaliate. She can be assertive outside school but at school she just doesn't fight back.

I feel for you and your DD .Girls can be cruel and silly sometimes.Boys too but more physical .I dont think its too good to get involved although difficult I know .Maybe see is a new setting maybe mixed may help?Is it a private or Indie School? Our niece moved school to a larger setting and loves it

It's a private school. We thought the small class would be an advantage and in many ways it is, but the socials have been nothing but awful.

Change school and I’d change to a mixed school. I think single sex schools are the worst thing for anyone who struggles socially.

It's not the same situation but I have a painfully shy and introverted DD and speaking to her teacher really helped. I explained that i was worried about DD spending too much time by herself in school and asked if her teacher could help me keep an eye on her for abit. Her teacher was so kind and great! She assigned DD a recess buddy and gave her a leadership role in class that 'forced' her to go around to talk to her classmates (she had to help the teacher collect homework etc). With time DD has found her own tribe. Hope it works out for you and your DD!

I am really sorry but I think you just have to move schools. It’s a tiny class so a huge proportion of kids have already had issues with her - it’s really unlikely to get better. Fine if your daughter was super resilient and didn’t care, but she does - and groups of girls tend to get more and more cliquey as they get older. Doing well ‘besides socially’ isn’t really doing well in school (if it matters to your kid) and also shows she would succeed academically anywhere.

my daughter was bullied terribly in p6 and thankfully the bully ended up moving schools. We were about to request this ourselves but we are in state school so it’s more complicated. As you are in private you have plenty of options.

I agree about moving schools, new friends. A full resit. She might find it easier to be friends with boys

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm happy to hear your DD found her tribe.

I'm speaking to her teacher next week. DD would like to have a break from the playground drama once in a while so she said she'd be happy to stay in class and do some studying at break time. Hope the school will allow her that. Also tasks like collecting homework sounds great, DD loves being involved.

What makes me sad also is that lately she keeps saying she doesn't like herself, I'm sure it's mainly caused by these social issues.

I have a similar DD, older than yours. My DD has been diagnosed with ASD: she also shines academically but struggles socially!

Anyway, she became very anxious about school (a mixed state school) in Year 5. Developmentally, it became increasingly obvious that she was very "young" in comparison with her peers. Not only did she no longer have many interests in common with the other girls (they were all getting into skincare and tiktok videos), but she was really battling with the complexities of girl friendships.

I have other DDs (NT) who go to a girls' secondary school and are very happy there, but I knew this wouldn't be the right environment for my DD with ASD. We found a small, nurturing private school. It is coeducational (it used to be a boys' school and still has a higher proportion of boys) and although it's a mainstream school, it has quite a high proportion of kids with ASD, ADHD, dyslexia etc.

My DD is so much happier there. It's not that she is friends with any of the boys exactly, but having them there just changes the dynamic and makes it all a bit more light-hearted (some of the boys are high-spirited and like to make a fool of themselves for comedic effect, so the whole class laughs together). The environment is much less intense. Also, because it's a school with lots of neurodiverse kids, she doesn't stand out in the way she did in her old school, and that helps too. Would it be worth looking for a coed private school locally that is popular with ND kids, and have a look around? It's a hard decision if your DD loves everything else about her school, but it is common for ASD girls to start to struggle in Year 5 so you may find things get worse in a couple of years.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. So reassuring to hear your DD is doing so well in her new school. I totally agree that boys change the dynamic of the class, DD actually enjoys playing with boys as long as they are not too rough.

After reading all these messages I'm actually looking into a school right now. It's a bit of a longer drive but it's mixed and has a good reputation. Might ask for a visit next week. If we do leave, we need to give her current school a term's notice.

Small privates can be wonderful. But only if the year is good. Some year groups are amazing. Others are poison, full of queen bees and (in mixed) misogynist boys.

Even if the school is lovely, sometimes it’s the luck of the draw - and even the best schools can develop toxic dynamics within a group.

Talk to the school as well - but I would be prepared to move on.

Totally agree with this.